[ SECRET POST #2839 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2839 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 060 secrets from Secret Submission Post #406.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

08. http://i.imgur.com/uC4pQug.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know the people involved here but just…don't assume too much about your friend's behavior. Sometimes people who do things like this ARE dealing with enormous problems and they sublimate those feelings into fandom because they have no way of tackling the real problem. And fandom provides a convenient space to let themselves get emotional and freak out.

[(Anonymous)]

This. I'd rather fuss about frivolous fandom stuff than confess to my online friends what real hard problems pile up in my life. I don't know if it's healthy or not but I don't care. The coping mechanism seems to work for me.

[(Anonymous)]

Very much this. Sometimes it's even very deliberate: they can't fucking lose it over the fact that they're fighting the insurance over their kid's medical treatment (again), so they act like a ninny over story-claims specifically so they can handle the other shit with some kind of calm.

[(Anonymous)]

This. I'm always most obsessive about my fandoms when real life is tough and I need an outlet. And I'm a lot more relaxed about fandom 'problems' when my life is generally going well and I don't have anything big to worry about.

[(Anonymous)]

This (again).

In my case I'm going to be much more sensitive and reactionary to even the most minor fandom flare-up when IRL problems are also rearing their heads. Fandom is my outlet from that, so when you're already at a low point trivial fandom issues will seem magnified and it'll feel as though there's nowhere you can go that feels relaxing. And like a DA said above, chances are you can't react the way you'd like towards your IRL problems, so it results in your fandom interactions/responses being exaggerated.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know if this is the case with your friend, because obviously some people do take fandom too seriously, but consider the following:
- maybe your friend is exaggerating, people do that a lot in fandom (including myself, I often say things like "this fic made me cry" even though I wasn't literally crying)
- maybe your friend does have real problems and focusing on fandom problems is their way of dealing. Because it's easier to worry about fic claiming than to worry about your new job or about that paper you have to hand in or about your sick grandmother, and in a way it may be more rewarding to worry about fandom problems because they have easier solutions. That doesn't mean that your fandom friend has no real life troubles.

[elaminator]

IA. There's no way of knowing what the friends story is, but even if they haven't mentioned any IRL problems to OP it doesn't mean they don't have any. Sometimes RL problems are difficult to discuss and you would rather focus on something that isn't so serious.

And who knows, they might be so upset about fandom events because fandom is the place they turn for support or distraction. Even a relatively small negative event can have a huge impact on you if there are lots of other (big or small) things wrong in your life.

(I once sat on the floor and cried for ten minutes after spilling coffee grounds. I was not that upset about spilling coffee, it was caused by built up frustration, stress and depression.)

Not saying this is the case for certain, but...just saying you can't always know. If fandom is the only issue then they should probably take a break, see if they enjoy it more when they come back. However, it's their decision and if you don't want to hear it anymore then all you can really do is try changing the subject, tell them about how you feel, or stop talking to them for the time being.

[(Anonymous)]

You're annoyed that they over-react to negligible problems, while you have real, big ones (or so you think, as other pointed out). You went through the rabbit hole, now you have different perspectives and different stakes. Maybe you wish you had the luxery to freak out like them, or just want them to sober up, "see the truth" to match your outlook.

I think I don't have to tell you that you both have to find a way of communication, or to tolerate the disconnection. If they're trying to relate to your rl problems but failing due to their different experience, then you should cut them some slack. If you stay friends is another thing.

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly,the way you highlight your "real problems" and generally sound all superior I'm not sure you'd be terribly healthy help for your friend if they needed it.

op

[(Anonymous)]

why did I worded this secret that terribly?
I guess so, and I guess I can't do much more than to assure you I'm not feeling all high and might and I don't think that my problems are worse than anyone else's. Everyone has their own problems to deal with, I'm well aware of that.
I agree with things people had already commented my secret with: I'm aware that over worrying about fandom can be a way to cope with bigger things and, in all honestly, I can't be 100% sure that my friend isn't going through something big that I'm not aware of. But we have (had?) a good friendship, and I trust them to tell me things. Of course I'm only human and, while I try my best, I can't always be the perfect friend. But I try to be at least a decent friend.
If they have some other problems and they haven't told me, there's only so much I can do. I'm not a mind reader.
I wrote this secret in a moment of frustration, and for that I apologize. At this point I made clear -or at least, I hope I did?- to them that I don't know how to react about the way they approach fandom, and that I really can't approve of it. For how I see it, it's just watching a person I love going seriously overboard and letting a thing that should be for the most part fun and enjoyment becoming something that's mining their health.

[(Anonymous)]

I completely understand your frustration, OP. I too once had a friend who was entrenched way too deep into fandom. I eventually told her my frustrations with it and why I felt it was so unhealthy of her to be so involved in it. We eventually parted ways as friends, (but not because of that particular argument) but we still occasionally talk, and she now admits that I was right. She was using fandom as a crutch for something that was missing in her life, and it filled that gap of sorts.

So maybe you should tell your friend how you feel.

Op

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks. In part I already started telling them how I feel, but I'm taking things slowly because I don't want to scare them away. with time hopefully we'll tackle this problem!

[diet_poison]

This seemed like a fairly reasonable stance until I got to the part where you actually feel like fighting with them because their personal issues that have nothing to do with you offend you so deeply. You are not them, OP, and you should give them room to be themselves even when you don't like it. It's nice to be there for help when they need it - honestly - but if this is really about controlling how your friend handles certain emotional issues rather than specific sets of behavior that annoy you (i.e. constant crying that's irritating to hear) then I think maybe you should take a step back.

[dinogrrl]

It's fine to be concerned about stuff like that. Like other commenters have pointed out, though, maybe fandom is your friend's way of venting stress so they can approach Real Life Problems with a clearer mind. If you're concerned, you can always mention it to the friend...but don't keep dogging them about it. If they want to do anything with the ball you've just tossed them, they will do it themselves.

[(Anonymous)]

Wow, I hope your friend ditches your controlling, judgmental, sorry ass.

[(Anonymous)]

I dunno, OP, I get anxious when I post a new story for the first time, or when writing concrit for a story I really liked, and I wouldn't appreciate a friend of mine sneering at me for it because how dare I have feelings over trivial things. Unless you left out some worse details, to me your friend seems like she's having nerves over a hobby she has the spare time and energy to indulge, not breakdowns over an obsession. I could totally be wrong about that impression, but "I can't sleep because something silly" is not something that makes me go "good lord what is wrong with you".

If you no longer have the patience to support and console someone who has the privilege of getting caught up in trivial things while you're personally dealing with serious life issues, that's totally cool. But that's on you to tell your friend, without being a judgmental tit. Tell your friend you're going through some shit and you really don't have the energy to be serious about fandom; if they don't respect that, then you have other problems.

[(Anonymous)]

Wow. Some of you, guys, sure are fast calling someone "controlling" and "jdgmental" over a secret and a couple of comments.

[(Anonymous)]

They're telling someone they claim is a friend that their enthusiasm for fandom is wrong, not something they "approve" of and they want them to stop because they have more important issues to deal with than their friend's -- by their "I'm so above silly fandom!" standards, despite the fact that they're posting here and seem pretty damn over-invested themselves in how someone else chooses to behave -- over-reacting, all without ever clarifying whether said friend is actually going through some stuff they haven't talked about.

How do you NOT get controlling and judgmental from their behavior is more to the point. Would you like a friend telling you how to behave just to conform to how they deem you acceptable of acting, because that's pretty much what's going on here.

[(Anonymous)]

So I guess you scoff at and disapprove of your friends in non-judgemental ways, anon? Or do you tell them to stop that behaviour you don't approve of in a non-controlling way?

[(Anonymous)]

Hi OP.

[likeadeuce]

Without knowing the rest of the context, it sounds like your friend may be dealing with anxiety issues and this is the way that they manifest. Just something to think about -- consider this in the larger context of how you would deal with a friend who has anxiety and don't automatically dismiss their concerns because they seem unimportant to you.

[(Anonymous)]

Just... Wow. Wow. I was already side-eyeing you for this secret. But reading some of your comments in this thread. Telling someone you don't ''approve'' of the way they approach fandom? Saying ''hopefully with time we'll tackle this problem?'' You're a shitty friend. You're condescending, you're judgmental, and you're borderline red flag controlling.

I really hope the person you're talking about finds better friends. They don't need someone like you in their life bringing them down or telling them the ''right'' way to act.

[(Anonymous)]

Tread very carefully OP. It's fine not giving what you consider dramatics the time of day but if your friend is hiding behind fandom, there may well be a reason. My friend became obsessed with a very dark TV show and its fandom because she didn't want to focus on what kept repeatedly happening in her life- her fertility issues and losing her babies.

She needed fandom to distract her and had actual friends outside of fandom who helped her through it. Broach the subject but be aware that if you're just fandom friends then maybe that's all she needs you to be-maybe she doesn't want to focus on other issues. If you are an all-round friend then talk to her but listen more. She may have problems but her annoying you if your issue not hers, she doesn't have to change her behaviour for you whether it's healthy or unhealthy.

Anyone who goes on about any subject can be annoying, but it's up to her whether she cares that you think she's that or thinks it's your issue alone.

[(Anonymous)]

So, basically, you're tired of listening to your friend complain about fandom, something that seems to be important to them, but apparently still less important than the things you decree to be, and instead of dealing with that yourself, you think they're the ones that need to change their behavior because you've decided it's "unhealthy" and you do not "approve".

If that's how you generally treat people, I'm surprised you even have THIS friend, tbh. You won't have many more if you keep on trying to dictate how others live their lives, that's for sure.

I think you genuinely think you're being a good friend, that's the worst part. Cutting off something that's important to your friend by basically telling them "Do not speak about this thing to me, unless you can do it in a prescribed way that's acceptable to me" is a really shitty thing to do. Deciding for someone else what's healthy for them based on typical fannish exaggeration is a shitty thing to do. Demanding a friend change to suit you IS A SHITTY THING TO DO. You're really not coming across in any of your comments here as someone who's doing this out of genuine concern. Genuine concern for someone does not post on Fandom Secrets to scoff behind their backs while acting holier than thou.

Your friend sounds as though they'd be happier if you took a step back from this relationship, honestly. And you don't want them as a friend, you want them as some sort of malleable puppet who'll only discuss things in a manner approved by you, so I can't see what either of you are getting out of it.