fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3003 ]

[ SECRET POST #3003 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3003 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 043 secrets from Secret Submission Post #429.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

F!S, how would you feel if someone said this to you? Because I'm really unsure how I should be feeling right now... Except I feel somewhat fearful and suddenly really pressured, but I'm not sure that's...the correct response to this statement.

Sounds like this person who said it has depression of some sort. Tread carefully, but suggest they seek outside help to get over that barrier.

They do indeed have depression and I've been treading carefully. Or at least I thought I was, but I maybe I'm wrong... I've suggested they get outside help before, but they haven't yet. It's been a while since I've suggested it, but I'm wary that me saying that comes across as me telling them they can't come to me anymore and that I don't want to emotionally support them anymore.

It'd depend on how they said it and what they meant or implied by it.

Is it true? Is that a bad thing? Why is it an issue? What do they need you for?

That's the thing. I don't know what they meant or were trying to imply. Well, I'm not sure if my interpretation of what they were trying to tell me is correct actually, because I got the sense that they were trying to tell me I'm not trying hard enough in the relationship or that I'm not being as good as a support as I should be.

Whether or not it's true is what's worrying me because I keep wondering if I actually care about this person or if I'm just a huge liar. Admittedly, that might be what's scaring me — this idea that I'm somehow fake in everything I've done for this relationship.

I'll be frank: honestly this is how I feel about my bf right now. I wouldn't say it, because I've been doing the dance with depression for years now and I've learned a thing or two, but it just fucks up your brain.

On one hand it's, in a harsh sort of way, factually true. While most friendships or romantic relationships are (hopefully) two way streets, people who are vulnerable do have more to lose. They might have less relationships to begin with, and might bounce back less easily & get more isolated when one ends. Don't mean the other party can't get hurt, just that the stakes seem higher for the depressed person.

Secondly it's also just that mental illness can make you more dependent or childlike (if you're the kind that tends to regress). this again can have a practical side (needing someone to remind you to feed yourself) but it can also just be this sort of undefined emotional neediness, just wanting someone to BE here even if they're not actively helping or even talking, just knowing someone's on your side.

I can understand it scared you, but unless the're violent,I don't think there's necessarily reason to. You can probably help by just being a friend. However, if you do not feel like helping, do be honest. In the end it's up to you, though, and how you feel about that person, as well.

Edited 2015-03-26 09:37 (UTC)

I feel this way about my friends because they all have more friends than me.

But if you're distressed over it, I'm guessing it's a more serious thing. Ask them why? Like anon above said, maybe there's some depression involved.

There is depression involved yes. They do indeed have very few friends. As to why they feel this way, I'm very unsure...

I'd feel about the same way, I think--it sounds really manipulative and guilt-trippy to me, on a par with "you don't love me as much as I love you."

DA

I admit it must be true if they say so when people say that to me. The "not as planned" looks on their faces are great.

I think I'll file your reply away for future use.

Lol

Oh gosh. I was wondering if they were trying to make me feel guilty or not, or that this guilt I'm feeling is a sign of something. But that's what I can't tell — if the guilt I'm feeling is because they were trying to MAKE me feel guilty or if I'm just feeling guilty on my own because I'm not being as good enough in this relationship as I should be. I have gotten the "you don't love me as much as I love you" sense before... But I've been questioning myself for a while because what if they're right? I've always had a hard time discerning my feelings for people or just discerning my feelings in general, if I really care for someone or if I'm just lying to everyone I supposedly care about and I'm secretly this...really evil, selfish, heartless person. Which sounds really melodramatic.. But that's what's been in my head for a while.

Well, kallanda has a good point too--that if they're depressed, their thinking may be fucked up, and they say guilt-inducing things without really meaning to manipulate you.

I don't think there's a correct response to that statement. The person saying this to you is very clearly depressed (someone might have beaten me to this one) and that's just a bad situation for any relationship.

You can try to reassure them that you value them, but if they already have this idea in their head it's fairly unlikely that that will make them drop it.

Unfortunately, when people are depressed the amount of attention and investment you give to them is just never enough. You could be spending all your time trying to take care of their needs and it wouldn't stop them from being depressed or thinking that you aren't invested.

It's probably time for them to seek some counselling.

They are indeed depressed and I have suggested professional help before, but it hasn't happened yet.

I guess I'm just really stuck in this cycle of wondering if I'm just not being a good enough support or if I really don't love them as much as they love me. I've told myself before it's their depression talking, but I have this annoying little voice in my head constantly telling me those other things and I continue to feel indecisive. I think what's not helping is the fact that I can't discern my feelings (my emotions or how I feel about people in general, including them) at all most days.

Don't blame yourself. Don't blame them either. If it's indeed depression they're, quite literally, not thinking the way they normally would.

It's a shit situation that is nobody's fault.

Encourage professional help, but if they won't, do listen to their reasons (is it money, past bad experiences, stigma etc stopping them).

There's different kinds of therapy (CBT isn't psychoanalysis, for example), and there might be self-help groups that are free (or feel less daunting than one-on-one therapy).

It's so easy to get "stuck" wit depression, sometimes people giving ou options you haven't thought of is important.

Just be the best friend you can be, while still setting clear boundaries so you do not get sucked into the abyss with them.

Edited 2015-03-26 09:49 (UTC)

It's totally normal to feel this. It's completely normal to feel burnout and like maybe you're starting to, indeed, not love them as much as they profess because it's taxing to anyone to be in a relationship with someone who is ill or depressed.

You are likely putting aside your own self-care and pouring resources into caring for someone else, and that takes a toll on you no matter how strong your feelings for someone are.

It's time to lean a little harder on that help train. Offer to go with them as moral support if need be, but if you do continue to try to manage this yourself it stands a good chance of putting a rift in your relationship.

While I agree that the amount of investment or attention might never seem enough for the person, that doesn't mean you can't give them any.

Even just a call once a week to say: "hey, I'm thinking of you, I hope you're well" can do wonders in the grand scheme of things (even if they might not even see it that way).

I must say I sort of resent the "friends" who disappeared altogether.

I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't keep contact with someone who is depressed. In fact, you absolutely should, because depressed people deserve support.

I just meant that you shouldn't feel pressured to be the only means of support or to give more attention than you can afford, because the reality of depression is that that won't be enough no matter what you do.

Sounds like the right response to me. Even if it were true, I have trouble believing that someone would say this unless they were angling for a specific response, preferably one along the lines of, "Oh no, I need you so much!" It feels like someone is fishing for reassurance that your relationship is equal give and take rather than what they fear: that they're doing most of the taking while you're doing most of the giving.

I think a good response is a calm, politely inquisitive, "Why do you think that?" that does NOT give them the hand-wringing assurances they want.

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[ SECRET POST #3003 ]

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