[ SECRET POST #3026 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3026 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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03.
[Time Team]


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04.
(Transformers: Windblade)


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07.
[Sesame Street]


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08.
(Transformers: More than Meets the Eye)


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10.
(Transformers: Robots in Disguise 2015)


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16. [ SPOILERS for Aldnoah.Zero ]



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17. [ SPOILERS for Classic Who ]



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18. [ SPOILERS for Inuyasha ]



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19. [ WARNING for abuse, suicide ]



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20. [ WARNING for abuse ]












Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #432.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

05. http://i58.tinypic.com/2z8dm3o.png

Transcript by OP

[fscom]

Collapsed for length.

[fscom]

TL;DR Made friend through fic and mental illness. Don't feel like friends anymore. Am probably shitty friend.

We bonded over a love of dark!fic, but since I started to get my depression under control, I haven't had the slightest interest. I don't need to read a bleak world anymore, now that my world doesn't look so bleak. Now that I can feel happy, I like characters getting to be happy, too. I feel like an entirely different person now.

You haven't been able to find an effective way to control your own problems yet, and still all you read is angst, and you and I have been slowly growing apart.

I don't want to be the friend who abandons a friend just because we are in different places with our mental health, but I feel like sad fic and self-hatred were the only things we had in common. I want to be there for you like we were always there for each other, but our conversations feel like nothing but being there for you these days, none of the underlying sense of friendship. Sometimes I wonder if you ever find the right cocktail of meds and therapy to get you through this, maybe then we'll turn to each other and find we have nothing to talk about at all.

[(Anonymous)]

I kind of find this secret insulting. You seem to be implying that only depressed people read darkfic. Some people just enjoy it.

You do sound like a shitty friend and possibly a shitty person in general.

Just, everything about this secret rubs me the wrong way.

[(Anonymous)]

Eh, I feel like I get where OP's coming from. All other aspects aside, I'm much less into dark stories now than I've been in the past. OP said they feel like a different person - one who wants to read happy stories. Other people like dark stories. I don't read any blanket statement there.

[(Anonymous)]

That's not what OP said at all. They just said they bonded with someone else over darkfic precisely because they were both depressed and self-loathing, but now that OP is feeling better about themselves while the other person remains depressed.

I know that feeling too. I used to hate the world and myself and it was great to find other people to be cynical with, but when you don't feel that way anymore then being around those kinds of people is just draining and makes you feel bad about being happy for yourself.

OP is implying friendship should be mutually beneficial and supportive, not one-sided coddling that apparently nobody is feeling good about.

[(Anonymous)]

What friendship is always mutually beneficial and supportive all the time? Even if you have two people who do not mental illness there are times when it's an imbalanced give and take.

Also this is completely 100% from OP pov, so you can't say ~nobody's feeling good about it~ Who knows what depressed friend thinks.

[(Anonymous)]

I feel like you took one piece of the secret, and then just ran up the ladder of inference with it to get to your own conclusion. OP mentions specifically that they're growing apart and that common interest isn't there any more. So it makes you a shitty friend to grow in different directions? Okaaay.

Just because they didn't add an obligatory YMMV doesn't mean that they think only depressed people read darkfic. They explained why they read it, and they explained why it doesn't appeal to them anymore. It's a leap to turn that into "only depressed people read darkfic".

[(Anonymous)]

And you sound like you take other people's likes and dislikes as a personal insult. You must be a joy to be around.

[kallanda_lee]

Eh, this is a difficult one, OP.

I understand you wanting to support your friend and wanting to be there for them. But yeah, mental illness can have a huge effect on how you experience life and yes, you are, in a way a different person now - while your friend will be definition be more egocentric as their own life is probably already too much too handle.

It' a touch call, because you're probably helping them, but do make sure you're not allowing yourself be drained, either.

Thing is you MIGHT have things in common, but depression generally sucks the joy out of most hobbies or interests, too.

[elaminator]

This. It sounds like OP has been a good friend and wants to continue and that's awesome. However, if OP eventually finds that being there for their friend is draining them of all happiness (or time) then they have a reason to cool things down for a while (or reconsider the relationship in full).

People change and if you can no longer connect then you aren't obligated to stay friends. (It's unfortunate and I totally understand wanting to be there for support, just take care of yourself too.)

[(Anonymous)]

I disagree that OP's been a good friend. The line about "our conversations feel like noting but being there for you now" makes me feel like OP wants out because they have to give more than the receive. I understand it's taxing in a friendship when this happens, but not every friendships going to be 100% give and take especially with two friends with mental illness. IMHO OP wants an out, and goes as far as to rationalize saying they "probably have nothing in common". It's fine to want an out, friends do change and it's ok to end it especially if the friendships dragging you down... I just can't see OP as a "good friend".

[(Anonymous)]

I second this.

[(Anonymous)]

TL;DR

[(Anonymous)]

Are you quoting the secret?

[(Anonymous)]

Was the TL;DR summary also too much for you?

[(Anonymous)]

OP, you shouldn't feel bad about this. You have just made a breakthrough in your own mental health, but you are still vulnerable. If your friend's depression is exhausting you as much as you say, then there us nothing wrong with taking a mental health break from the friendship. If you come back to the friendship and it's still draining, a phase-out might be in order. This isn't a reflection on the worthiness of being friends with your friend, this is about knowing your boundaries and exercising appropriate self-care.

Source: me, after having a huge destructive blow out with a fandom friend because we both had mental issues at the time which we weren't dealing with. Ignoring problems like these when you're not 100% mentally yourself doesn't end well for anyone.

[(Anonymous)]

Danbo! Danbo... Danbo!

[(Anonymous)]

??

[(Anonymous)]

Oh man, I've been there. On the one hand I try to be as supportive as possible, on the other hand it's always emotionally draining when it feels like nothing I say is making them feel better. I also feel like I can't say anything about myself because if I'm having a good day they might think I'm bragging.

I sympathize because I was in a very dark place at one point in my life and I hated myself more than anything else, but I eventually came to a better place.

Even so, I don't know the proper way to deal with someone like that in the long term.

[(Anonymous)]

I've drifted away / lost contact with friends for less reason (moved to a different place, found new interests, fandom-jumped, etc.) -- most friendships have a time limit of sorts. That said, I do know that it's hard to leave someone who's clearly in pain. It sucks!

[(Anonymous)]

This secret made me sad. I'm sorry, OP. :(

[(Anonymous)]

As someone who's been there in your depressed friends position, the best thing you can do is just be truthful with them and break it off immediately (or just not talk to them again, however you want to deal with it). Seems like you really want out if your going as you have with your rationalizations. It's a sucky thing to do to someone who is already depressed, but why drag this friendship out if you are not even sure if you're friends? It's best for both of you to move on, especially seeing the way you feel.

Though honestly, you may want to keep real life depression type stuff separate from fandom friends from now on if this is how you feel and act.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, you are a shitty friend but at least you recognized it instead of remaining clueless.

[(Anonymous)]

your own mental health always needs to come first. it's hard and shitty, but if this friendship is jeopardizing that you need to know when to cut it off. it might make you feel selfish (or even BE selfish), but that's how life is sometimes- things aren't always fair or nice and sometimes there is no right or wrong or ideal answer.

mental health isn't something you want to sacrifice in the name of being a "good friend". I'm sorry you (and your friend) are in this situation, OP, but you need to take care of yourself first. :(

I really, truly hope this works out for you both.