fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3068 ]

[ SECRET POST #3068 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3068 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

[William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy]

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02.

[Wild Kratts]

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03.

[Harry Potter/Fleur Delacour]

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04.

[Jennifer Barkley from Parks&Recreation]

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05.

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06.

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07.

[Handa-kun]

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08. [SPOILERS for Game of Thrones]

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09. [WARNING for child molestation]

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10. [WARNING for mental illness/suicide]

[It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini]

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11. [WARNING for rape]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #438.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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A friend has been diagnosed with a mental disorders. One of the symptoms of said disorder is being overly dependent of others as well having fear of abandonment. So with that in mind, I've tried to be patient with her. But lately it's been harder and harder to be her friend. She's really needy and requires attention at all times, regardless of what time it is, to the point that it's affecting my academic life. I tried to set some boundaries but she always panics and goes on about how I'm going to leave her like everyone else has left her, and sometimes hits at that it's making her have suicidal ideation (I am fairly sure she's not aware of how manipulative and abusive that is). The whole thing is starting to affect my own mental health.

So here's the thing, I want to put some space between us but... well. I'm afraid she'll fucking kill herself, basically. She's going to therapy but it's not helping. What do I do???

You look after yourself first. It's all you can do and all you should be expected to do. You are not responsible for someone else's well being and nor can you actually affect what this person does in terms of recovery simply by giving them your time/resources.

You can give until you have nothing left to give, but that won't ever be enough if it's a symptom of a disorder. It's impossible for you to adequately manage this situation, so it's time to remove yourself from it. Whether or not you are around is not going to determine whether your friend lives or dies.

...Maybe this is weird, but maybe you could ask to go to a therapy session with her? Her therapist could act as a buffer, and try to help her (both of you, really) with the immediate aftermath of bringing these issues up.

Yeah honestly, joint therapy sounds like it could help a lot in this sort of situation. It's difficult because you definitely have to take care of yourself first, but if this is a friend then of course you care about how she feels too. If it's affecting your academics and mental health, then you definitely need your own space. If she's been diagnosed then you can probably talk with her about it more frankly, point out the patterns that are a part of the disorder, show examples of people who care about her (including yourself) and how they haven't left her, idk! This is tough, I'm sorry.

Diet, Bigpaw, I'm sorry I'm late first off (was asleep all last night), and I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is a potentially horrible idea. Let me be clear I'm not trolling, note I'm not calling you two any names or dismissing your feelings here, I want to be 100% that I'm opposed to this and I want people to listen why.

This person is DROWNING already. The responsiblity here is already too much for them. They can't take the amount of need this person has for them, they are already giving too much.

And you are suggesting they take formal responsiblity for their friends care. Because that's what this will become. Now they have to go to this therapy. They will become their friends keeper officially. It shouldn't be that way, but it's probably how they will see it. It's DEFINITELY how their friend will see it. Now every time friend has a problem, it will be even more important to that friend that THEY are the one to talk to. They are the official therapy buddy after all. because remember, the friend isn't going to soak this all in after one therapy session. oh, hopefully they are a good enough person to listen, but it could easily backfire when the next time friend is in a bad place, now this one person is all they could think about. What's worse, if the friendship does fall apart now, there will be more resentment and hurt feelings and BLAME.

You are certainly right about the needing space, but the friend needs to do that by making space, not strengthening ties.

Edit: I will note I know something about DBT (as talked about below) and it is the right kind of therapy for the friend most likely, but I don't specifically know what kind of therapist friend is seeing and some other forms of therapy could end with the more cynical outlook I provided above. Also I think friend just might need a break first.

Edited 2015-05-30 12:40 (UTC)

This might not be a bad idea, OP.

Set those boundaries again, and enforce them this time. Be gentle, but firm and do NOT give in. You cannot help your friend by giving her all your time and attention because you could devote 24 hours a day to her and it won't be enough. If your friend is still a minor/living with her parents, notify her parents that she needs more help. If you can't get in touch with them, a school counselor.

If she hints at suicide or threatens to kill herself, ask her if she needs you to call 911. BUT DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER DEMANDS. Putting some space between you two in the form of setting healthy boundaries is what you both need, and her actions are not your fault in any way.

I don't know what your friend has been diagnosed with but being overly dependent on others and having a fear of abandonment are symptoms of your friend's disorder that shouldn't be enabled by anyone.
Do you mind saying what she was diagnosed with? It may be the case that the therapy she is getting or therapist need to be changed.

Well I think everyone else is right in that you need to take care of yourself too, but if you aren't comfortable cutting her out of your life then you need to be firm about how much time you can spend with her. If you never have any time to yourself and feel like you're on call all the time, you're going to be exhausted and miserable, and she probably isn't going to be able to make much progress.

So maybe tell her that you won't have as much time to spend with her, but you want her to know it doesn't mean you won't be around or that you don't care? Some distance will probably help both of you, even if it'll be unpleasant for her at first.

You can't control or be responsible for her actions though, so don't go there. It won't help, and it isn't fair to yourself.

She's going to kill herself anyway. Might as well distance yourself while you have the chance.

sigh

I can't tell if this is serious and coming from a place of deep cynicism fueled by a loss you've had, in which case I'm terribly sorry, or if you're just trying to be an unhelpful jerk who gets off on saying dickish things.

...BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bipolar Disorder)

If so, I suggest the joint therapy session above, as that's probably the safest way to handle it...but... here's the thing. If I'm correct in that it's BPD, she needs a very specific therapist trained in best how to handle BPD. Because there is a specific form of therapy that helps people with BPD, called DBT, developed by a psych-type-person who has BPD herself. Traditional methods like CBT don't work on people with BPD. At ALL. If she happened to just pick a therapist without looking into what they're trained in, then it's very likely she's got a therapist that has no fucking clue how to deal with someone with BPD. This is actually ridic common.

I have friends with BPD. It's... a struggle, sometimes. You HAVE to set boundaries, for yourself. Yes, she's going to respond thinking that you're going to abandon her; that's part of the disorder. This is hard, but you have to hold them, while showing her that, no, you're not going to leave. It's a tricky dance, and she's going to react very poorly, I can guarantee you. The longer the boundary holds, and you're still there, the easier it will be. She's probably going to react badly every time you set up a new boundary.

It is a lot of work to be close friends or romantically involved with someone who has BPD. Her actions, however, are not your fault or responsibility. It's most likely that she's not going to make a suicide attempt (she may self-harm, though). I would suggest starting with getting more details on her therapist, and if the therapist isn't trained in DBT, then help her to find a new one. There are also BPD support groups that can be helpful. AVOID ABOVE ALL ELSE any support groups that include family/friends of... but, one of those groups may be useful to you. The trick is finding one that isn't full of people who are just complaining about the person in their life with BPD, which is very common.

Ultimately, you need to put yourself first. That means setting boundaries, holding onto them, and not giving in when your friend starts up with the suicidal talk. It is also OK to decide that it is too much work for what you're getting out of the friendship and walk away. You didn't marry her, and even if you had, it would STILL be okay to decide that this is something you can't live with. You are not responsible for her actions, in the slightest.

If it's not BPD, then some of the other stuff is not as relevant (although, if she's not getting help from the therapist, it's time to change therapists, even still), but the last paragraph stands regardless of what disorder it is.

*HUGS*

What's DBT stand for? CBT, I know.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. :)

if it's affecting you negatively, and you've tried to set boundaries and make them clear and have reminded her of them... You need to get out or at the very least get some distance. I just went through the same thing with someone I know, and honestly taking the time and space you need makes such a difference.

in my case I felt like my only option was to cut ties entirely.... which may sound cruel but I have my own mental health problems and I couldn't handle someone else's on top of them.

good luck with whatever you decide, anon. =/ it's rough

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