[ SECRET POST #3077 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3077 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.
[Lackadaisy Cats]


__________________________________________________



03.
(Gorillaz)


__________________________________________________



04.
(Tripping over you)


__________________________________________________



05.
[Stitchers]


__________________________________________________



06.
[Dragon Age]


__________________________________________________



07.
[The Mighty Boosh]


__________________________________________________



08.
[LOVE LIVE!]


__________________________________________________



09.
[Brooklyn 99]


__________________________________________________



10.
[Mad Max Fury Road]


__________________________________________________



11.
[Maggie Stiefvater]


__________________________________________________



12.
[Emily Alice Ovenden]


__________________________________________________



13.
[When Marnie Was There/Omoide no Marnie]


__________________________________________________



14.
(Rick and Morty)


__________________________________________________



15.
[Suppression]


__________________________________________________



16.
[Wall-e]


__________________________________________________



17.
[Ancillary Justice & Ancillary Sword]







Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 086 secrets from Secret Submission Post #440.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[diet_poison]

Why is it so fucking hard to understand that there are times when advice is warranted and times when it's not?

Why is it so hard to understand that if someone comes to you seeking help, they want help, and if they don't, then they fucking don't?

I feel like this should be very easy to understand.

And I don't know why it upsets me so damn much.

[(Anonymous)]

I think it's on the person coming to you to inform you whether they want advice or help or not. Often the person leaves it ambiguous, telling you a bunch of their problems and then you're like so... did you want me to help you or give you advice or just listen or what?

A lot of people do not make their desires clear before launching into rants and no it is not easy to tell what they want when all you get is "something has been bothering me" before being flooded with details

[diet_poison]

This specific situation wasn't even one where I went to someone for help, it was literally just "can I give you some advice?" on something that was otherwise completely fine.

Though asking "do you want advice" when someone is talking about something that they're upset about is not at all a bad idea...

[philstar22]

This. Sometimes I just want to rant without being told what to do or having someone try to help. I try to be a good listener to others and let them rant to me, but there isn't anyone in my life who does the same thing for me.

[(Anonymous)]

Dude, if someone is ranting at you about something, it is your natural inclination to offer advice. Because normal people figure, "Oh, this person is describing a problem to me, I should help them solve this problem. Why else would they be ranting about this problem to me???"

[philstar22]

Really? That's not my natural reaction at all. I figure that people aren't looking for advice unless they ask for it. Otherwise, they are just looking for someone to listen.

[(Anonymous)]

DA

Actually AYRT is correct.

It's also been posited that the 'fix-it' mentality is very much a masculine communication style, while the initial reaction to just listen and let someone vent is a feminine communication style -- i.e. problem-solving vs. empathy.

Being a woman whose first instinct when someone complains or speaks to me about a problem is "Okay, so how do we fix this thing that's bothering you?" (and who, likewise, wouldn't discuss a problem with someone else in the first place unless I was looking for help) I'm not sure I hold much weight to that, but the different approaches to communication most definitely exist.

[diet_poison]

My mom is actually way more fixit in general than my dad. My dad just throws out advice to stuff in casual conversation, but when I actually go to him about a problem, he's much more likely to listen, commiserate, share stories of similar experiences, and offer advice (as in ask, "do you want advice?") if he has it without just spouting it off. My mom on the other hand cannot listen to me say "man I just feel rotten because reasons" without going "well why don't you XYZ then" which is a very annoying response.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think that's true for everyone in the world, and to the extent that it is true, it's an incredibly easy instinct to retrain.

Also, it's really pretty easy to tell when someone is just ranting compared to when they want advice.

Also, most of the time, they won't even mind if you do give them advice, as long as the advice is prefaced by you listening to them and offering some commiseration, and don't just, like, immediately roll up your sleeves and dive in to fixing their life

[philstar22]

This so much. Especially that last bit. What annoys me is the people who just want to tell me how to fix things without expressing sympathy. Or who want to give advice even when I specifically say I'm not looking for advice and just want to rant (aka my dad who I have to tell this to because he always gives advice).

[(Anonymous)]

Right?

It's kind of weird to talk about, because it seems so obvious and natural, but I also know there was a time when I didn't really get it at all, and that just seems bizarre to me now (also, i didn't really get it until i was probably already like... 22, which just makes me feel ashamed and dumb).

People are silly, basically.

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes--especially if the remedy seems obvious and the ranter seems oblivious to it--it's hard to express sympathy because one doesn't feel much of it.

[(Anonymous)]

Frankly if the thing you're complaining about is fixable and you seem to prefer the complaining rather than the fixing, good luck getting sympathy for your self pity.

[diet_poison]

this sooooo much. I'm often looking for emotional support, because I guarantee you I have already considered all the options you're giving me as advice. It may be that I'm not ready to try something or it won't work for other reasons, but if I'm talking to you (general you) about why I feel bad it's because I want emotional support, full stop.

[(Anonymous)]

"Also, it's really pretty easy to tell when someone is just ranting compared to when they want advice."

Really?

How?

[diet_poison]

I wouldn't agree that it's always easy, but you can always ask. "Hey, do you want some advice, or just a listening ear? I'm cool either way!"

[diet_poison]

I haaaaaate talking to serial fixits when I'm upset. Sorry if you don't think I'm a "normal person" but it's actually very common to simply want an outlet for something that's upsetting you without wanting advice.

[diet_poison]

This wasn't even a rant situation. It was literally "do you want advice on driving in the rain" which, no, I know perfectly well how to drive in the rain, thanks.

I was also irrationally upset and feel kinda bad now. This is my dad who is someone I respect a great deal, but that just makes it hurt more when it feels like he doesn't think I'm capable of going basic adult things. And he's a serial advice-giver. :/

ETA: I do agree about the rant situation though some people are very inclined to give advice because that's what they'd want. It can create some disparity in both directions.

[philstar22]

Your dad and my dad share that in common. So much unsolicited advice. As well as reminding me to do basic things like brushing my teeth or cleaning just before we hang up on Skype even though I'll be 30 in a month.

[diet_poison]

haha, that sounds obnoxious.

After the fact, I wish I hadn't gotten so annoyed. I trust my dad more than basically anyone, it sucks that these conflicts keep coming up. :/

[(Anonymous)]

People in general tend to be buttinskis.

[(Anonymous)]

If you are bending someone's ear about your troubles, you are already imposing on them and kind of lose the right to whine that they are butting into your business.

[diet_poison]

ha, I didn't even realize what "buttinski" meant until I saw this reply.

in the instance I was talking about though it was advice shoehorned into casual conversation, not a case where I went to someone with a problem. I also assume that's what AYRT was talking about - there are people who hear or overhear basic stuff and proceed to get way more into it than they should.