fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3141 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3141 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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"maybe my life would be better if X were dead".

X could be various people close to me, like my parents, boyfriend, but also just people at work (or school when I was still in it).

As for other things: looking at m wrist and thinking of how *easy* it would be to slash the veins.

+1 to the first, thankfully no to the second. :-( Hope that's not the case for you right now.

Eh, I get it now and then still, but far less than I used to. And it's different now, like a memory of a memory that still replays sometimes.

I've looked into it and it's apparently not easy at all

It's not (and don't ask me how I know that).

I tried to do it the way most people don't, which is up the forearm, it was so ridiculously difficult that I had to stop in the middle

I literally had a too-blunt dagger. But I kept diligently trying. Liken horizontally, vertically, something's bound to work! At some point I realized it wasn't doing to work, and I think somewhere at that point the sheer absurdity of the situation hit me, and it would have been funny if it wasn't so messed-up.

Did you feel the pain? Weirdly, it felt like I was totally numb. The only reason I stopped was because, like I said, it was difficult, like cutting through tough, tough meat.

I did feel pain, but it wasn't like, excruciating? But There was a LOT of adrenaline going through me. Also I had self-harmed by this point, and frankly I think my pain perception is screwed because of that to this day. Last winter I woke up with 3rd degrees burns I'm still not sure where I got, so yeah.

I think I stopped with because of the pointlessness of it, but also as it took longer, I recalled the previous attempt (which was rater scary and unpleasant) and maybe that sort of made my resolve waver. It's sort of hard to really recall those emotions correctly, because it's so long ago and I was such a mess back then.

btw, hope you're better now.

I hope you're better too. /hug

/me huggles.

I realize this may be the wrong question to ask, but... apparently some people don't sharpen their knives? What do you do if you actually need to cut something? Food, for example?

Well, the dagger wasn't for meat, but...

Honestly I'm just not that often in need to cut huge chunks of meat? A lot comes pre-cut, and I know my mom has an electrical knife for the odd times it's really needed.

Also even with kitchen knives...is easier to cut, say, chicken breast than a wist, because you don't need to go through skin and you can sort of handle it in the position you want.

Fuck, my ex tried to kill himself multiple times (before we got together) and liked to talk it. As in, tell me how to do it properly, what not to do, "common mistakes" and so on. Slashing his wrists/arms was his preferred method, so he talked about it a lot. That really fucked me up a lot back then.

I get the urge to throw myself off high buildings. As in, I stand by the wall/fence/glass and wonder what it would be like. And then I really really want to experience that sensation of flying and get the urge to do it, like when you do something that makes you nervous or afraid but you know you'll like it once you've done it and all you need to do is force you past this one point of resistance? A friend once commented on a sight-seeing tour that I looked like I was contemplating suicide and I was, but that's not something you admit to.

It's funny because I only got scared of heights at around 19,and honestly I think it might be because I don't trust myself not to jump.

I hope you're ok, btw, as well as your ex.

[ SECRET POST #3141 ]

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