fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3144 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3144 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Grace Kelly, Judy Garland]

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[Soragumi, Shizuki Asato]

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You're not wrong, your mother's being a little shit and she's internalized a lot of sexist, misogynist bullshit. You already know her "joke" isn't a joke, it's just a lame excuse to weasel out of being responsible for saying something mean. If you're feeling snarky, you could ask her who the joke was far, because nobody laughed, did they? You certainly don't find it funny, and I bet she wouldn't find it funny if you told her friends what an awful mother she was.

If you're still living with her, then there isn't a whole lot you can do about it at the moment, but if you're financially independent and on your own, you don't have to put up with this crap even if she's your mother. "Training" her out of it will be really hard and it will take a long time, if you want to do it. If you don't, I'd just limit the time you spend with her. If she insists on talking shit, she gets a warning, no arguments. "I'd like to spend time with you, but I'm not going to stay if you're going to talk like that/insult me."

If she keeps it up, say, "Have to go, see you later, Mom." and then LEAVE. Reward good behavior with your company, "punish" bad behavior by refusing to stick around and be her emotional punching bag. Don't do it angrily or vengefully, just keep cool and be matter of fact about it. She wants to act like a douchewaffle, she gets to do it without you, simple as that.

I'll second the tactic in the last paragraph. It's served me well with certain people before.

+1 to the above comments.
OP, you do not have to be the recipient of all that crap, even if it's from your mother. Even if you genuinely feel sorry for her because of her upbringing, she is an adult, which should mean she is capable of learning that you don't tolerate lies from ANYONE.
Should she start abusing you verbally again, leave. Failing that, avoid excusing or denying her behavior. If she gets punished by others for her ugly behavior, don't help her out of her troubles. If she can't cope with you or starts getting more seriously abusive, have an escape strategy available. This could mean taking shelter away from your home with her.

SA

...assuming you live with her.

OP

Luckily, I don't live with her. Currently we do spend a lot of time together, though, so I think I'm going to start spending less time with her, and when I AM with her, stand my ground a bit more instead of not challenging what she says (and most of the time I actually don't challenge her, just when she says something particularly egregious). Maybe if she starts to see her behavior having consequences and affecting our relationship, she might reconsider the way she acts.

OP

When she claimed it was a joke, I told her I wasn't laughing and she tried to claim I was (I definitely was not). Her friend did laugh, though (she's really similar to my mom as far as the background she was raised with and the sexist bullshit) so I guess she found it funny, but I definitely didn't.

When I told her that I'd never tell anyone how horrible she is she was like "you should!" so I'm going to. The next time someone mentions how awful their mom is, I'm going to say mine is too, especially if she's there, and see how she likes it.

I am on my own, so I do think I'm going to just try to spend less time with her, but I also feel like I need to stand my ground more. As I said in another comment, my dad never wants to start arguments so he just ignores her when she says horrible shit and tells me I should, too, but that's why she does this stuff, because she (usually; I only say something when I get REALLY fed up with her) doesn't have anyone telling her it's not acceptable.

Whenever she says something ignorant about an issue that's really important to me (LGBT rights, women's rights, etc.) she says that it's "ridiculous" and "not important" and she doesn't want to talk about it and changes the subject. So the next time she's bitching about some minor slight my dad did to her 10 years ago and how he's so awful because of it, instead of listening like I normally do I'm going to tell her it's ridiculous and refuse to talk about it.

Maybe if I start treating her the way she treats me it'll get through to her that her behavior isn't acceptable.

Well, that's certainly one way to handle it.

I'll be honest, though. She probably won't get the message if you flip it around on her, and she probably won't see the irony in her butthurt, either. You can't really change people, and that kind of negative counterattack might give you some satisfaction, but it won't make her a better person. Momentarily stunned, possibly, but not a better person.

OP

I know that you're right, but if nothing's going to make her a better person, why not at least make myself feel a little better?

That probably isn't the right way to handle it, I know, it's just really frustrating.

I can understand that. You're entitled to your frustration. That sheer level of disrespect would drive anybody nuts.

[ SECRET POST #3144 ]

Re: Sexist mother...venting

Re: Sexist mother...venting

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Re: Sexist mother...venting

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Re: Sexist mother...venting

Re: Sexist mother...venting