[ SECRET POST #3144 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3144 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Grace Kelly, Judy Garland]


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[Soragumi, Shizuki Asato]












Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 020 secrets from Secret Submission Post #449.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

I had lunch with my mom and her friend today. Her friend is a few years younger than my mom and was a decade older when she had her kids, so her daughter is 13. She was whining about how she's so hormonal and horrible and when she has PMS she's horrible to deal with, etc. So my mom decides to chime in about how I was the same way at that age and made her life hell and she wanted to kill me and how I'm so awful to be around "even now".

Afterwards when we left her friend I was like "hey, WTF, that wasn't cool" and how it upset me that she said that stuff. There have been so many times I've been around people complaining about how horrible their moms are and I NEVER say "yeah, mine too" because I feel like it's disrespectful. Yet she had no problem saying that stuff, and when I told her how I felt, she said she was "just joking" when she clearly wasn't and accused me of being overly sensitive and ridiculous, which just pissed me off more because she she does that ALL THE DAMN TIME. If she can just write me off as being overly sensitive, then she doesn't have to acknowledge that she said something shitty.

I know it might sound like I'm overreacting to this particular situation, but it was kind of just the last straw because she does this kind of thing CONSTANTLY. She was raised a conservative Christian by insanely bigoted parents and although she's not QUITE as bad as her parents, she's still old-fashioned/sexist, racist and homophobic. (Examples: After the Supreme Court ruling she said that the human race was going to die out because of gay people, and that American-born children of immigrants aren't "real Americans".) Those are just a couple of examples, but she says similar shit all the damn time. And whenever she does, I object, and she says that I must be PMSing. She says something homophobic, I call her on it, and she says "You're being overly sensitive, are you getting ready to start your period? And why do you care anyway when you're straight?" (I'm actually bi, which she doesn't know and most likely never will.) EVERY DAMN TIME I say something disagreeing with her, I'm being overly sensitive because I have PMS.

I'm just so insanely fucking sick of it and don't know what to do anymore other than just not spending time with her. :(

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[dancing_clown]

It's not cool that she went on about how she wanted to kill you, but...most 13-year-old girls are complete shits on the rag. I know, because I was one and knew many. Give your mom a break for commiserating with a friend.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

Why should she give her mother a break for saying "my daughter is so obnoxious I wanted to kill her" right in front of her?

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[dancing_clown]

Did you miss the part where I said that wasn't OK? Giving someone a break doesn't mean ignore everything.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

But her mother also said she's awful to be around to this day. And always tells her she's PMS'ing. Her mom sounds like a complete bitch, to be honest.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

Uh... saying something like "Oh, I know they can be awful at that age, but it's just a phase and it'll pass. Look at [OP], she was exactly the same way and she turned out great." is commiserating with a friend. Saying that your daughter made your life hell and you wanted to kill her and she's STILL awful to be around when your daughter is sitting right there isn't commiserating, it's being mean.

The clue is when OP tells her mother that wasn't cool and the mother immediately shuts her down with the "it was just a joke" excuse. You know what she would've said if she were merely commiserating with a friend? Maybe something like, "I'm sorry, you're right, I was trying to make [the friend] feel better but I went too far. I didn't mean what I said."

That's what decent human beings do. Going by her behavior, OP's mother doesn't sound like a decent human being who made an oopsie that should be overlooked, it's a pattern of negative behaviors that she is NOT sorry for no matter whose feelings get hurt.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

OP

She's since claimed that she's sorry for what she said and she realized she shouldn't have said those things, but I'm not completely sure she actually means it. I think I'm going to just have to spend less time with her.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

You're not wrong, your mother's being a little shit and she's internalized a lot of sexist, misogynist bullshit. You already know her "joke" isn't a joke, it's just a lame excuse to weasel out of being responsible for saying something mean. If you're feeling snarky, you could ask her who the joke was far, because nobody laughed, did they? You certainly don't find it funny, and I bet she wouldn't find it funny if you told her friends what an awful mother she was.

If you're still living with her, then there isn't a whole lot you can do about it at the moment, but if you're financially independent and on your own, you don't have to put up with this crap even if she's your mother. "Training" her out of it will be really hard and it will take a long time, if you want to do it. If you don't, I'd just limit the time you spend with her. If she insists on talking shit, she gets a warning, no arguments. "I'd like to spend time with you, but I'm not going to stay if you're going to talk like that/insult me."

If she keeps it up, say, "Have to go, see you later, Mom." and then LEAVE. Reward good behavior with your company, "punish" bad behavior by refusing to stick around and be her emotional punching bag. Don't do it angrily or vengefully, just keep cool and be matter of fact about it. She wants to act like a douchewaffle, she gets to do it without you, simple as that.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[sarillia]

I'll second the tactic in the last paragraph. It's served me well with certain people before.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

+1 to the above comments.
OP, you do not have to be the recipient of all that crap, even if it's from your mother. Even if you genuinely feel sorry for her because of her upbringing, she is an adult, which should mean she is capable of learning that you don't tolerate lies from ANYONE.
Should she start abusing you verbally again, leave. Failing that, avoid excusing or denying her behavior. If she gets punished by others for her ugly behavior, don't help her out of her troubles. If she can't cope with you or starts getting more seriously abusive, have an escape strategy available. This could mean taking shelter away from your home with her.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

OP

When she claimed it was a joke, I told her I wasn't laughing and she tried to claim I was (I definitely was not). Her friend did laugh, though (she's really similar to my mom as far as the background she was raised with and the sexist bullshit) so I guess she found it funny, but I definitely didn't.

When I told her that I'd never tell anyone how horrible she is she was like "you should!" so I'm going to. The next time someone mentions how awful their mom is, I'm going to say mine is too, especially if she's there, and see how she likes it.

I am on my own, so I do think I'm going to just try to spend less time with her, but I also feel like I need to stand my ground more. As I said in another comment, my dad never wants to start arguments so he just ignores her when she says horrible shit and tells me I should, too, but that's why she does this stuff, because she (usually; I only say something when I get REALLY fed up with her) doesn't have anyone telling her it's not acceptable.

Whenever she says something ignorant about an issue that's really important to me (LGBT rights, women's rights, etc.) she says that it's "ridiculous" and "not important" and she doesn't want to talk about it and changes the subject. So the next time she's bitching about some minor slight my dad did to her 10 years ago and how he's so awful because of it, instead of listening like I normally do I'm going to tell her it's ridiculous and refuse to talk about it.

Maybe if I start treating her the way she treats me it'll get through to her that her behavior isn't acceptable.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

Well, that's certainly one way to handle it.

I'll be honest, though. She probably won't get the message if you flip it around on her, and she probably won't see the irony in her butthurt, either. You can't really change people, and that kind of negative counterattack might give you some satisfaction, but it won't make her a better person. Momentarily stunned, possibly, but not a better person.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

She probably hates herself and resents the lifestyle she's been brainwashed into adopting from an early age, so she takes it out on you.

Screw her.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

^^^

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

She sounds a lot like my mother. I speak to my mother once every six months or so these days, and tbqh I'd be cool with never speaking to her again.

You have my deepest sympathies anon, your mom is the one person on earth who's supposed to love you unconditionally as well as have your back, and it real fucking sucks when that isn't the case.

da

[(Anonymous)]

*hugs you and OP*

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

OP

Thank you. :)

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks. :)

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

OP

Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with it, too.

It just really makes me sad. She's always talking about how she supports her kids 1000% and my brother and I can always count on her, but that isn't the reality, and I hate it. She's told me several times how I'm the only person in the world that she can count on and has always been there for her (my dad has done some minor crappy things to her over the years that she has blown waaaaaaay out of proportion so she claims that she can't count on him but for some reason refuses to leave him; my brother is a TOTAL asshole and though she usually makes excuses for him, when it comes down to it she admits that he's not a reliable person anyone can count on) but unfortunately I can't say the same about her and it really sucks. :(

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

It's not that she's sexist. It's that she's kind of an asshole who just happens to prefer the sexist kinds of comments.

Since she does that kind of shit all the time, then clearly you aren't overreacting.

Some people fail to see themselves for what they really are, never step outside themselves and into the other person's shoes, and have no idea or any concerns about how their actions may affect others.

And you can't change them.

I had a parent that did the exact same shit, didn't care if they aired my "dirty" laundry to their friends right in front of me, had no respect for me, always was like I'M JUST JOKING DON'T BE SO SENSITIVE every time they said something shitty they didn't want to take responsibility for. I don't know what was worse, that or the more recent years when THEY started overreacting to something neutral I would say and make me out to be the devil just for having an opinion. Like, a non-judgy, non-insulting, singling out no one, kind of opinion. I don't talk to them anymore; who needs that kind of drama?

You can't really control the stuff that comes out of her mouth, you can only say "hey, that's not cool" like you've been doing and leave it at that. Asserting yourself just means making your stance known; it's not about forcing someone to change. The non who mentioned "training" your mom also had some good points. If you do spend less time with her, don't feel guilty about it.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

OP

Exactly. Like, I didn't give her permission to be talking about my menstrual cycle with her friend, that's personal, but she has no respect for anyone's boundaries. I'm assuming she also didn't have permission to tell me about how my brother caught an STD from his girlfriend and unknowingly gave it to his next girlfriend, or to tell a friend of hers that another friend (that the first friend barely knew) had an open marriage and how much she (my mom) judged her for it.

And when she'll say something homophobic or racist or whatever else and I'll call her on it she's all "I'm totally entitled to my opinion, you're just pissed because I don't agree with you". I'm sorry, but not all opinions are equally valid, and saying that non-straight people are sick isn't an opinion that I have to respect. It's just not.

Grrrr. I think I need to just avoid her for awhile.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[caerbannog]

Honestly anon, I'd start seeing her less. I think you've mentioned her on here before?

She'll probably say mean remarks but if distance self and when she says something particularly offensive or hurtful - be prepared to stand up and just leave. She might not think anything she said was wrong but she might stop voicing them out loud.

Hope you feel better soon :(

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

OP

I have before, but I've also seen posts from other people talking about their mothers where I thought "man, that sounds familiar," so I'm not sure if the one you're talking about was mine or not. Either way, I guess it's not that uncommon!

I talked to my dad about it this morning, and although he's been understanding in the past, he automatically defended her and said I overreacted, when he wasn't even there and is relying on her side of the story. When he should KNOW, based on past events, what she's like and how she minimizes everyone else's feelings to avoid taking responsibility for her behavior. But for whatever reason he didn't, and said "well, she's way meaner to me than she is to you and it doesn't bother me, so you should just get over it."

At this point I'm about ready to just leave the state and quit speaking to both of them.

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

start asking if her bad attitude is because of menopause

Re: Sexist mother...venting

[(Anonymous)]

OP

Ha! I might have to try that. Nothing else works, anyway, so it might be worth a shot. Thanks.