fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3167 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3167 ⌋

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My sister's not talking to anyone in the family anymore.

It's really hurting my mother's feelings -- she doesn't say anything but I can tell and so can my grandma.

I want my sister to be happy but it hurts to see my mother so sad.

My sister started seeing a therapist--I think it was good for her because it helped after our dad was so verbally abusive growing up. But her therapist basically said our mother failed to protect her and that she should cut ties with the people who hurt her.

I don't know what to do.

Well... is it true that your mother failed to protect her or enabled your father? Is it traumatic for your sister to see your mother?

I'm sorry, but if your sister feels so strongly about her relationship with your mother that she doesn't feel like talking to her, there is nothing you can do. It's your sister's decision, and it sounds - to me, at least - like this decision is not unfounded.

It is really hard rebuilding a relationship with someone who was there every moment you were hurt and suffered, and did not offer any protection or consolation, especially if you were a child at the time.

That's a difficult one.

I think it's something that's worth talking to your sister about. But if you do talk to your sister, you have to listen to her and you have to respect that she has the feelings she has and she has the right to those feelings. Your priority has to be, above all else, trying to understand where your sister is coming from and how she feels.

It would be better not to talk about it at all than to try and lay a heavy guilt trip on your sister to force her to talk to your mother again. That would do no one any good.

Tough talk time anon. Your mother's and your sister's feelings/reactions are not your responsibility unless A) you are the cause of them and/or B) you are your mother's or your sister's primary caregiver. Which it sounds like you are neither.

If the shrink has misjudged the situation (this is also possible) your sister will/may eventually come around and start speaking to your mother. If the shrink is any good, he/she/they may be coming up with options to facilitate this, or get your sister to a place where she can think about it.

Trust me, as someone who at one point cut all ties with both sides of my very large extended families IRL, for very good reasons (different than your sister's), this may be something your sister needs to do in order to prevent an even messier situation from exploding in everyone's faces. I speak from experience, anon. Messy experience. Don't be me.

That's a pretty complex situation.

As to what you should do, I don't know. I mean, I can understand why you'd want to comfort your mother, but it kind of sounds like if you tried to talk your sister into seeing her again, your sister would probably feel like she didn't have anyone left on "her side" if she views you as equally victimised? She might be feeling pretty isolated at the moment, even if she does have professional help.

There's not really a right thing to do except for you to offer support as it's needed to each of them, if you want to.

Maybe your mother might benefit from talking to someone herself? If she is looking to still have contact with your sister, she might offer to attend family therapy sessions with her. It would be on your sister's terms, and she may say no, but it would still let her know she's willing to try.

This must be really tough on you. I hope you're doing okay, anon. Take care of yourself.

Anon, you don't do anything. I know it's hard, but getting involved will make it worse. And playing peacemaker is stressful as fuck.

Either way, one of them is going to be hurt. Either your mum, cause she's not currently being spoken to, or your sister because she's currently dealing with all these emotions and you're forcing her to talk to one of the people she's currently in therapy about. Not a good mix!

Keep in mind the therapist can only go off what your sister tells them. And right now it is probably best she doesn't speak to your folks while she works through the feelings.

You can offer your support to both of them, but try to avoid suggestions or getting them to interact.

And when you get too tired and stressed out about it you're allowed to say so! My sister is doing something similar with my dad (compounded by abuse from her previous home) but I've had to flat out shut down her treating me as a therapist. I'm not qualified and it's my family too, so neither of us deserved to be dragged into a fight).

Good luck anon

If your sister doesn't want to talk to your mother for those reasons, that's her right. Don't guilt her into doing that. It doesn't mean you have to cut ties with your mother or you can't also support her. But if your sister wants to contact your mother again, she'll do it when she feels ready.

Well, don't try to drag your sister back into the family or guilt trip her about connecting with your mother, that's for sure. Assuming your sister is an adult, there isn't a whole lot you can do. Cutting herself off from people who have hurt her might be what she needs, and frankly, that doesn't sound like a bad idea to me.

I'm sorry your mother's sad, but... has she ever apologized to your sister for failing to protect you as kids? Has she ever acknowledged her role in what sounds like a really unhappy, toxic environment and admitted that she may have let your sister down? If she hasn't, then I can understand why your sister wants her space.

[ SECRET POST #3167 ]

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