fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3207 ]

[ SECRET POST #3207 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3207 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 020 secrets from Secret Submission Post #458.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm the poster who made a secret a couple of days ago about having a breakdown and alienating in her social group.

I took a break from my group of internet friends, because I thought it was the only way to avoid pissing everyone off. Today I was feeling a bit more stable, so I messaged someone to ask about coming back to the private chat where we talk. But first I asked if anyone was angry at me first, to test the waters. Aaaand apparently now I'm known in that group as 'dramatic' and 'passive aggressive' for leaving.

I'm so embarrassed. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing removing myself from the situation, but now I'm afraid everyone is going to think of me as the crazy attention seeking chick. I don't want to come back to my group of friends if I'm coming back to that. At the same time, part of me feels that if they're so callous about judging someone they know has a mental disorder, then why the fuck would I want anything to do with them?

either way: i'm losing yet another group of friends. yay.

idk help me out.

How did you take your leave of the group? It sounds like maybe you didn't do it in a very low key way, which probably would've been best. No elaborate explanation or excuses, just a "Hey guys, real life is getting a little rough at the moment so I might be quiet for a while. You can still reach me at [e-mail address maybe?] and hopefully I'll talk to you later when things settle down!"

But yes, if you make a big fuss over leaving and then slowly sneak back AND ask if everyone is mad at you* then people are going to wonder WTF is going on and why your behavior is so erratic. It's not always that people are being dicks about your mental health issues, it's just that even with mental health issues taken into consideration, they still have to deal with your behavior.

An extreme example, but I used to have a friend who was bipolar. She was great most of the time, but when she hit a bad down cycle, she got naaaaaasty. Like verbally lashing out at people nasty. People knew about her condition and they cut her a lot of slack but you know, nobody likes being yelled at or insulted and at the end of the day they just didn't want to stick around for that. Especially because she wasn't very good at managing her social interactions when she was in a down cycle, and she never apologized for the things she said even when she was more stable because she felt like it wasn't her fault. Unfortunately, she failed to grasp that even when you hurt someone by accident, you're still responsible for your actions. It upset her greatly, of course. She felt like she was being judged for her mental illness. But she wasn't seeing the whole picture...

But back to you. One of the real secrets in how to adult is that most of the time in social interactions, if you can pretend like everything is cool, everything will be cool. People will take their cues from you and how you behave. Don't want a reputation as a drama queen? Then do your best to act like there is no drama. Don't make definitive "I'm leaving now!" announcements. Slow fade when possible, keep in touch with friends individually and privately even if you're not up for a chat. Be honest and open as you can, and resist the urge to do a massive emo-dump on people unless you're really, really good friends.

In the end, there's no avoiding this cycle until you figure out why you do it. It doesn't sound like you want to and when something is negatively impacting your quality of life, it's time to get some help. Good luck, anon.

* Seriously, don't ask that. There's virtually no way that doesn't sound like everyone's in junior high. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if that is REALLY a logical possibility, or if it's just your fears and insecurities talking. Even if it's really a possibility, the more casual you can be about it, the better it'll come off. I'm a big fan of the pre-emptive apology. "Hey, sorry about disappearing so suddenly, I had some personal stuff come up. How are you? [normal conversation follows]".

No shit they think you're dramatic. You sound like a attention whore. Make your 'friends' a favor and disappear from their lives forever. Better yet, don't talk with anyone ever again. The world will thank you.

this is about the most unhelpful thing possible. really?

Don't listen to this bitter hateful anon, OP. They know nothing.

Having a rough day eh.

Do you think we have more than one troll, or is it just the same ugly creature spewing bile on multiple threads?

Same angry anon trolling, I think. It's all the same type of comments with the same types of comment tropes.

I used to be part of a small-ish fandom group (about 20 people or so) and after a big drama fallout, I left the group for about a year or so. I mostly did so because I don't handle conflict well, I was having a lot of anxiety issues, and one of the group members really had it out for me (I can't remember what set them off, but I do remember being outright happy when they were temp-banned, since that meant I wouldn't get harassment from them, and that probably fueled more of their rage towards me). When I finally came back, I did so very casually (ie. "Hey, what's up guys, how's everyone doing?") and I'd occasionally chime in with whatever project I was working on at the time. Everyone seemed fine aside from that one person, and they still had a grudge against me after all that time, so I decided to just cut my losses and leave for good. I'd rather not have to do through the whole drama shit again when I finally felt better. Left some good friends, but I could already tell history would repeat itself and I'd end up getting into trouble again.

Maybe it's for the best you just find someone else, OP. If they're going to get upset over something like that, just leave. It's not worth it in the end. You'll find a better group someday.

It is important to know how you left, as others have said.

But if what you said was just "hey I need to take a break ttyl" (which honestly is sort of what I assumed) and they reacted like that, then you should cut your losses. I'm sorry this is happening, especially since you've apparently gone through it before, and losing friends sucks ass, but there ARE better friends out there.

In the meantime maybe you should examine your patterns. Do you lose friends because of the way you flounce or other things about your behavior? Do you lose them because you tend to gravitate towards negative groups of people? A bit of both? Something else? Try to not fall back into the same patterns as before. Seek groups that are accepting and stable, and work on your behavior if you have to (it's ok, we all have to do it, and yes, I have mental health issues, so I've especially had to deal with it).

But if what you said was just "hey I need to take a break ttyl" (which honestly is sort of what I assumed)

That's what I assumed OP meant, too. I don't get why all the other anons seem to think it was some dramatic outburst.

And honestly, even if it were something dramatic... I've done it too in bad times. Friendship's about apologizing and forgiving. People fight. You know?

OP, it's entirely possible that your friends are callous, judgy people. But. And this is a big BUT. You have a history of melodramatic, burn-the-bridges exits from your relationships. YOU. Not your friends. You do this. Now let's look at that secret:

http://i.imgur.com/9k3DNqw.png

"antagonize all my fandom friends"
"burn all my bridges"
"delete my account, create a new one and start over"

You seem to feel that you're being unfairly labeled as "dramatic" and "passive aggressive". Reread the above quotes a couple times. Those are your words describing your actions. It seems to me that"dramatic" and "passive aggressive" accurately describe your modus operandi in situations like this. Your friends are judging you, but they're not necessarily wrong. You know that this is destructive, unhealthy behavior, but now you're trying to deflect responsibility for your actions onto your friends. Could this be why the cycle repeats itself with regularity and you don't know how to stop it?

Take responsibility for your actions, OP. You have a mental illness. I hope you're getting help for it in the form of therapy and/or meds. If you aren't, then that's something you can do for yourself. What you can't do is blame other people for the decisions you've made. I say this with love, OP: get help. There is no reason why this needs to happen, but it will keep happening if you don't take some steps to figure out what's going on with you that motivates you to behave this way.

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[ SECRET POST #3207 ]

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