fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3266 ]

[ SECRET POST #3266 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3266 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

__________________________________________________

10.

__________________________________________________

11.

__________________________________________________

12.

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 064 secrets from Secret Submission Post #467.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I think I'm depressed. Well, I'm definitely having suicidal thoughts anyway.

My wedding is coming up and everyone is expecting me to be happy and excited and I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm just not.

I'm very sorry, anon.

But at this point I do feel this important: Are you unexcited becuse of the depression alone, or are you having second thoughts? I feel like that would be really important to find out, even if it means postponing the wedding.

I don't know. It's like I can't get a read on my emotions at all, I'm just kind of empty, for want of a better description.

I just feel really alone, and the more stuff going on with the planning and preparation the more alone I seem to feel.

Can you talk to your partner about this?

Not really. I know how that sounds as well, but it's because he's very stressed out with work and frankly, just not au fait with emotional stuff anyway.

I feel like it's sort of important to have this conversation, though.

I can get being stressed out with work, but this is the sort of issue you (both) deserve to take time for. Does he know you're depressed at all?

I think he has an idea, yes. He's just not good at talking things over though. In the past (15 years) I sit down and calmly tell him things like this and his response is to nod and say 'okay', sit silently for a while as if he's thinking about it and then to walk off.

I... don't want to tell you your business, but he doesn't sound like good boyfriend OR husband material, anon. Take it from someone who's been happily married for 10+ years, you want a partner who has your back in good times and bad. Any problems or issues you have right now in your relationship will likely get worse with time, not better. Especially when your fiance doesn't seem the type to even recognize that there's a problem. But honestly, I'm guessing you know this already and it might be part of why you're feeling so isolated and depressed right now.

You're not wrong, anon. It's not helping. I just don't think there is anyone out there like that for me. I don't communicate well with people and I've been trying for a long time.

I'm not going to blow smoke up your butt by saying there's somebody for everyone out there. Maybe there is, but a lot of people never meet their "someone". What I will say is: DON'T SETTLE. So many people think that being in a mediocre relationship is better than being alone, but I don't think that's true. All relationships have pros and cons, it's just that the pluses outweigh the minuses if you're in the right relationship. In the wrong relationship, there are more minuses than pluses, and that will wear you down until you don't have the energy to leave a bad situation.

Thank you for the advice, anon. I know you're right and to be honest, there's part of me wondering if I am settling. But I can't get a read on my own emotions at all at the moment it's like a void, as overdramatic as that sounds.

Thanks again.

Not overdramatic at all, it makes sense because depression is like that. In cases like this, take care of yourself first. Forget wedding planning if it's going to be a drain on your precious emotional resources. You want a wedding and a marriage that will be a source of happiness, not anxiety. Be healthy first, and best wishes to you.

Re: Rant thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-12-14 01:05 (UTC) - Expand

I know this might be a confrontational question, but - do you love him?

Yes, very much so. He tries really hard, it's not for want of effort on his part that we have these problems. And in day to day stuff he's definitely the rock of the household, he's the more realistic one, etc. It's just when it comes to emotional minefields, or sorting out problems that we have massive communication issues.

He'd be a good father too, and considering my own father was abusive that is something that is worth its weight in gold to me.

Honestly you sound like you are a good match but the communication might be something to work on? maybe even with a counselor, if that is something you're open to and can afford.

Depression can be a hard thing to understand for those who do not experience it, but I do think he should try to grasp the notion if he's marrying someone who suffers from it.

(Also, OP, please don't have babies when you're in a depression. And when you do, be aware you're at higher risk for post-partum depression, so make sure you already have someone you trust who had your back in case that happens).

Obviously I don't know you, but from your brief replies it sounds like you're pretending everything it okay, and...well, it isn't. And it's alright to admit that. Especially to the man you love.

(P.s. sorry about you dad)

Edited 2015-12-13 23:15 (UTC)

Obviously I don't know you, but from your brief replies it sounds like you're pretending everything it okay, and...well, it isn't. And it's alright to admit that. Especially to the man you love.

Yeah, I think it's time to get my head out of the sand and at the very least talk to him about it (or try) and look into antidepressants.

Thank you for all your advice. Especially about kids. I very much want kids, and it hadn't really occurred to me how much my mindset might screw that up. It's definitely the impetus I need to go to my GP.

Lots to think about. Thanks again.

With all due respect, the fact that you can't talk to him reads like a potential red flag to me. Yes, he's stressed with work, but if you marry, you have to trust that you can talk to him about your problems. If you really don't think you can, you may very well want to step back.

That might be what's causing so much of your stress, honestly. :/

nayrt

THIS. If you can't talk to your soon-to-be-husband about your mental health and suicidal thoughts, then I'm sorry but this isn't the person who can be there for you in the long haul.

I'm sorry, anon. Wedding planning isn't nearly as fun as most people seem to think it is, and the added pressure of expectations makes it even more of a drag. Try to tune out or gently shut down conversation when people demand to know why you aren't ecstatic over choosing color coordinated napkins or something and spend some time with your fiance to remind yourself what's important.

And... I don't mean to sound all doom and gloom here, but if there's any doubt in your mind about whether or not you want to get married, don't get married. Lots of people go through it because they think it'll be humiliating to call it off, but it's not nearly as bad as being trapped in a marriage you don't want.

Wedding planning is certainly not the rainbow colored dreamworld I was led to believe it would be!

I have doubts but don't know whether it's the depression twisting my mind.

Planning any huge event never is, sadly.

It might be the depression, but... reading your description of your fiance above and the fact that you can't even talk to him about this suggests that it's not JUST depression talking here. I can't imagine marrying a guy I couldn't talk to about my problems, especially something as serious as depression and a wedding that affects both of you. Not being good with "emotional stuff" is not a minor flaw, it's a major one, because LIFE is all "emotional stuff". Being in a relationship where you have to bear burdens like this without any help is often lonelier than not being in a relationship at all.

You might want to take a look at this thread about emotional labor. It really is mind blowing in how it changes the way you see things:

http://www.metafilter.com/151267/Wheres-My-Cut-On-Unpaid-Emotional-Labor

It may be that you're right. All I know is that he's the only person who has ever stood by me and I love him, and I want it to be the right match. I really do. I guess I need to think more.

Oh my god that article. Suddenly put a situation with a male ex-friend into perspective. Blood boiling. Thanks for sharing.

I get that. But it sounds like the relationship could still use a lot of work, especially in communications and supporting one another through difficult times, and those are both things that should probably be resolved before getting married. You'll both be better off or it.

The thread is a big eye opener, that's for sure.

Are you male or female? It does make a difference, before anyone accuses me of radfeming. Depending on your gender there are absurd pressures on you during the lead up to a wedding.

Perhaps the stress is getting to you. *hugs*

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only