fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3297 ]

[ SECRET POST #3297 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3297 ⌋

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Notes:

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On the flipside of Sarillia's comment, asexual just means no sex drive. It doesn't necessarily mean disgusted by sex and will never have sex.

That's not exactly true though, is it? Doesn't asexual mean no sexual attraction to other people? Don't some asexual people really like masturbation? I wouldn't call that no sex drive.

"Sex drive" is the phrase I most frequently see used on the Internet by people who are not asexual. The only asexual person I follow is Yahtzee Croshaw, whose phrasing is that he prefers his hand. I don't know what the proper phrasing is.

"people who are not asexual."

Um...and why are you relying on people who are not asexual to define asexuality for you? Because almost every asexual source takes great pains to point out that asexuality is not defined by one's sex drive in any way.

Like I said, I don't follow many people who are asexual. I'm just parroting what I read on the Internet.

(Actually, hold up. What sources are you going from? I used to post on AVEN, and they were creepily obsessed with a dichotomy between asexuals, who they framed as having no sex drives, and everyone else, who they assumed must have insatiable, never-ending sex drives. It was honestly kind of fucked up, and it was the main reason I stopped posting there.)

Maybe if you don't have a good grasp of the finer points of a minority group's identity, and don't identify as that yourself, you shouldn't go around educating people about them? I mean it doesn't take more than a few minutes to hit google and make sure you're not giving out misinformation.

When did you post on AVEN? Because I've been a member there for a over half a decade now, and for that time they've always had information out about such terms as non-libidinous and such.

Other sources: asexual wikis, pretty much every asexual blogger out there, and erryone on Tumblr. No one except ignorant (and I don't mean that as an insult) non-asexuals defines it as anything other than "doesn't experience sexual attraction".*

*Without getting into the gray stuff anyway

I remember I posted on AVEN at some point during high school, which I left in 2010.

As for the rest of this, I don't even know what to say. All I was trying to say is that asexual doesn't mean sex-repulsed. From what the "friendly neighborhood asexual" poster said below, I didn't think I got it that wrong, but if you want me to apologize, I'll do so.

That makes sense. I guess things must have changed after that.

You don't have to apologize. It's just sexual attraction, sex drive, and sexual repulsion are three distinct issues. Sex repulsion doesn't necessarily correlate with sex drive.

Yeah, the technical definition is that it's just about attraction, but that doesn't always make sense. I think it would make more sense if it just meant that someone didn't like sex.

Makes sense to me. Heterosexual=attraction to different sex, homosexual=attraction to same sex, bisexual=attraction to both same and different sex, asexual=attraction to no sex.

These are the definitions I always go back to because they make the most sense to me. I don't like basing it on behavior because people act out of line with their orientation all the time (whether through experimenting or trying to conform to expectations or whatever). I don't think going by the desire to have sex makes sense either because you can be attracted to someone but not actually want to have sex with them or vice versa and that conscious desire to sleep with someone rather than a simple physical attraction seems a lot more complicated and influenced by outside factors.

you can be attracted to someone but not actually want to have sex with them or vice versa

See, that's what I don't get. The best definition I've been able to find for sexual attraction is that it makes you want to have sex with someone. If being sexually attracted to someone LITERALLY MEANS you want to have sex with them, how can you be sexually attracted to someone without wanting to have sex with them?

I don't know, the whole thing is just confusing to me.

Imagine the difference between 1) seeing a chocolate cake and thinking it looks good to eat and 2) seeing a chocolate cake and thinking it looks good to eat and definitely wanting to eat.

You might be interested in the chocolate cake because it looks like the kind of thing that would taste good to you, but you might not feel hungry at the moment or you're hungry for something else or you know there could be negative consequences to eating the chocolate cake, and so on, so you can think the cake looks good to eat without necessarily actually, truly wanting to eat the cake.

You can find someone physically attractive but hate their personality and want nothing to do with them with or without clothes on. Just for one example.

I'm not asexual, but I feel like there's kinds of attraction. Like, I can be superficially or emotionally attracted to someone but not want to get sexual with them. The feelings aren't platonic, it's definitely a crush, just not a crush that would be satisfied with sex (and the thought of sex with them kind of ruins the appeal). And there's people I'm sexually attracted to who I would never actually want to talk to or hang out with or even...be around for extended periods of time, there's no emotional attraction there.

SA - "different kinds of attraction", ugh

Then I must not be a lesbian since I only want to have sex with SOME women. Or there are people I'm attracted to but repulsed by enough that I wouldn't go to bed with them.

Asexual can mean a variety of things for different people on the spectrum!

For some, they have no sex drive, no interest in masturbation, they don't experience sexual attraction... but they may or may not be perfectly content to have sex with a trusted partner if they are not repulsed!

Some asexuals have a sex drive, in that they experience physical arousal and enjoy orgasms just fine, but they don't feel sexual attraction and may be actively repulsed by the idea of sex with another person, preferring their own hand (or toy).

Some people on the spectrum experience sexual attraction, in that they can look at someone and consider them sexy rather than merely aesthetically attractive (like a painting or a statue or whatever). They may even enjoy a little 'visual stimulation' from time to time, but have no desire to actually have sex with the people they consider attractive, and even find the idea of doing so disgusting/distressing. It's all good when it's all mental, but it's only that.

Some aces enjoy sex with a trusted partner because of the closeness and the chemical brain stuff afterwards, and because they know they're providing said partner with something that's important to them, but they never feel like initiating sex, or think about it when it's not happening-- to them it's no different from engaging in another hobby that their partner cares about in order to strengthen their relationship.

... and some sexual people are insulted by the idea that they can't be happy without sex in the relationship, and enjoy relationships with sex-repulsed partners, either by masturbating to take care of themselves and enjoying other forms of non-sexual physical intimacy, or sometimes by the use of an agreed-upon sexual proxy, though there are couples where sex just isn't part of things for either party.

After all, there are sexual people who, due to physical sexual dysfunction, have to rely upon fantasy and other forms of intimacy anyway. There are also older people who, however much they might appreciate the part sex once played in their life, find that they don't feel the need to pop pills in order to keep on swinging, I mean... for some people, sex is great but not vital, and some people who couldn't imagine going without sex at twenty find they're happy without it at sixty.

It really depends on the two people involved.

(not meant as a personal rebuttal! I just thought this was the most convenient place to reply)

I totally believe that people in these categories exist, absolutely. I just don't see how most of them are actually "asexual". If you feel sexual urges, and can enjoy having sex in a way that satisfies those sexual urges, you are definitely not asexual.

Why? Your libido is not who you're attracted to.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #3297 ]

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Hi, your friendly neighborhood Ace here

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