[ SECRET POST #3297 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3297 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 030 secrets from Secret Submission Post #471.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

NS, NF, etc.

[sarillia]

Even among people who feel sexual attraction there are people who don't care about sex and would be fine in a relationship without it. I'm getting a little tired of the false dichotomy where you're either asexual or sex is incredibly important to you. It's more complex and variable than that.

I agree that the opposite, denying that sex is important to anyone, is annoying too. But I'm not fond of swapping one broad generalization for another.

[(Anonymous)]

To add to the variable and complex-- two people who are invested in making a relationship work will find a way. There are options between 'ace partner has to have a lot of sex to make non-ace partner happy' or 'sexless relationship.'

Mutual masturbation, frottage, a whole ton of 'intimate' activities that don't necessarily require nudity or penetration. Or the oft ignored 'open relationship' option that allows the sexual partner to have non-romantic physical relationships with other people.

+1

[(Anonymous)]

I really loathe all the "SEX IS SUPER IMPORTANT, NON-ASEXUAL PEOPLE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT OUT" rhetoric that's come up in backlash to the perceived faults in the asexual community.

[a_potato]

Yeah.

I think OP is conflating orientation with drive a little bit. As an example, it's typical for women who have just given birth to have no desire for sex (for a whole host of completely understandable reasons). It can take months, even years, for their libidos to recover. But that doesn't mean that, for that time period, they've become asexual; it means they're a sexual person with a low or non-existent sex drive.

Sex and sexuality really aren't as simple as they're often made out to be.

[feotakahari]

On the flipside of Sarillia's comment, asexual just means no sex drive. It doesn't necessarily mean disgusted by sex and will never have sex.

Um

[(Anonymous)]

That's not exactly true though, is it? Doesn't asexual mean no sexual attraction to other people? Don't some asexual people really like masturbation? I wouldn't call that no sex drive.

Re: Um

[feotakahari]

"Sex drive" is the phrase I most frequently see used on the Internet by people who are not asexual. The only asexual person I follow is Yahtzee Croshaw, whose phrasing is that he prefers his hand. I don't know what the proper phrasing is.

Re: Um

[blitzwing]

"people who are not asexual."

Um...and why are you relying on people who are not asexual to define asexuality for you? Because almost every asexual source takes great pains to point out that asexuality is not defined by one's sex drive in any way.

Re: Um

[feotakahari]

Like I said, I don't follow many people who are asexual. I'm just parroting what I read on the Internet.

(Actually, hold up. What sources are you going from? I used to post on AVEN, and they were creepily obsessed with a dichotomy between asexuals, who they framed as having no sex drives, and everyone else, who they assumed must have insatiable, never-ending sex drives. It was honestly kind of fucked up, and it was the main reason I stopped posting there.)

Re: Um

[blitzwing]

Maybe if you don't have a good grasp of the finer points of a minority group's identity, and don't identify as that yourself, you shouldn't go around educating people about them? I mean it doesn't take more than a few minutes to hit google and make sure you're not giving out misinformation.

When did you post on AVEN? Because I've been a member there for a over half a decade now, and for that time they've always had information out about such terms as non-libidinous and such.

Other sources: asexual wikis, pretty much every asexual blogger out there, and erryone on Tumblr. No one except ignorant (and I don't mean that as an insult) non-asexuals defines it as anything other than "doesn't experience sexual attraction".*

*Without getting into the gray stuff anyway

Re: Um

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, the technical definition is that it's just about attraction, but that doesn't always make sense. I think it would make more sense if it just meant that someone didn't like sex.

Re: Um

[sarillia]

Makes sense to me. Heterosexual=attraction to different sex, homosexual=attraction to same sex, bisexual=attraction to both same and different sex, asexual=attraction to no sex.

These are the definitions I always go back to because they make the most sense to me. I don't like basing it on behavior because people act out of line with their orientation all the time (whether through experimenting or trying to conform to expectations or whatever). I don't think going by the desire to have sex makes sense either because you can be attracted to someone but not actually want to have sex with them or vice versa and that conscious desire to sleep with someone rather than a simple physical attraction seems a lot more complicated and influenced by outside factors.

Re: Um

[(Anonymous)]

you can be attracted to someone but not actually want to have sex with them or vice versa

See, that's what I don't get. The best definition I've been able to find for sexual attraction is that it makes you want to have sex with someone. If being sexually attracted to someone LITERALLY MEANS you want to have sex with them, how can you be sexually attracted to someone without wanting to have sex with them?

I don't know, the whole thing is just confusing to me.

Hi, your friendly neighborhood Ace here

[(Anonymous)]

Asexual can mean a variety of things for different people on the spectrum!

For some, they have no sex drive, no interest in masturbation, they don't experience sexual attraction... but they may or may not be perfectly content to have sex with a trusted partner if they are not repulsed!

Some asexuals have a sex drive, in that they experience physical arousal and enjoy orgasms just fine, but they don't feel sexual attraction and may be actively repulsed by the idea of sex with another person, preferring their own hand (or toy).

Some people on the spectrum experience sexual attraction, in that they can look at someone and consider them sexy rather than merely aesthetically attractive (like a painting or a statue or whatever). They may even enjoy a little 'visual stimulation' from time to time, but have no desire to actually have sex with the people they consider attractive, and even find the idea of doing so disgusting/distressing. It's all good when it's all mental, but it's only that.

Some aces enjoy sex with a trusted partner because of the closeness and the chemical brain stuff afterwards, and because they know they're providing said partner with something that's important to them, but they never feel like initiating sex, or think about it when it's not happening-- to them it's no different from engaging in another hobby that their partner cares about in order to strengthen their relationship.


... and some sexual people are insulted by the idea that they can't be happy without sex in the relationship, and enjoy relationships with sex-repulsed partners, either by masturbating to take care of themselves and enjoying other forms of non-sexual physical intimacy, or sometimes by the use of an agreed-upon sexual proxy, though there are couples where sex just isn't part of things for either party.

After all, there are sexual people who, due to physical sexual dysfunction, have to rely upon fantasy and other forms of intimacy anyway. There are also older people who, however much they might appreciate the part sex once played in their life, find that they don't feel the need to pop pills in order to keep on swinging, I mean... for some people, sex is great but not vital, and some people who couldn't imagine going without sex at twenty find they're happy without it at sixty.

It really depends on the two people involved.

(not meant as a personal rebuttal! I just thought this was the most convenient place to reply)

Re: Hi, your friendly neighborhood Ace here

[(Anonymous)]

I totally believe that people in these categories exist, absolutely. I just don't see how most of them are actually "asexual". If you feel sexual urges, and can enjoy having sex in a way that satisfies those sexual urges, you are definitely not asexual.

Re: Hi, your friendly neighborhood Ace here

[(Anonymous)]

Why? Your libido is not who you're attracted to.

[(Anonymous)]

I just wanted to say that for a text-only secret, there is no excuse for it to be too big. None.

[(Anonymous)]

The reminder that sex is often one of the most important parts of any romantic relationship to most people, makes me feel shitty, so thanks for that?

<---Dateless loveless ace who knows already, thanks.

[(Anonymous)]

Same.

I don't like ace/non-ace pairings either, but from the other perspective. I just want something with a pairing of two asexuals. I don't think that exists anywhere in anything (at least not that I've seen) and I think it should.

[lentils]

Totally butting in to promote myself, but I cowrite an elaborate MCU AU in which (among other pairings) there is an ace/ace f/f pair. They pop up in the main fic fairly frequently, but there is a oneshot we wrote that's just about them. (It's a total crack pairing though, if that's going to put you off.)

[(Anonymous)]

It's not. Quit buying into this.

[blitzwing]

It's not a big deal for all non-aces. Just like it IS a big deal for some aces. Generalizations? Generally a bad idea.

I have no idea why you're connecting that with ace/non-ace ship fic anyway. Sex is a big deal for a character? Okay. And why does that make it inappropriate to put that character in a relationship with an asexual?

[(Anonymous)]

As a not ace person dating an ace person, I hate seeing shit like this tbh. The discussion that always follows is usually terrible as well.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm a lesbian who likes sex. I'm married to a sex-repulsed ace.

In my opinion, sex isn't so important that I can't use my own goddamn hand if I need it.