fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3307 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3307 ⌋

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So myself and a friend have gotten into a heated argument about something. She argue that it was a harmful myth that bullies will always have some deeper reason they're bullying people I personally do not see why.

I know it's not true in all cases of course. But I feel like thinking there might be a reason like abuse at home or being bullies by someone else or anything might give people a reason to talk to the bully and find out why. If they're just a brat they'll get punished for it properly.

But if there's a deeper reason and someone works that out, they'll prevent more bullying in the future right?

Her point was that it would be an excuse for their behavior. But, not really? I mean sure it could be. But a proper counselor or professional helping them should know not to excuse negative behaviors, which bullying is (Displacement I believe).

So it really 'harmful' to lean toward assuming bullies have some sort of bullshit in their lives more often than "they're just a jerk"?

I dunno. As someone who was bullied pretty heavily as a preteen, I think everyone has the potential to be a bully. If you're going through some nasty shit or don't have good coping methods, you're probably not gonna be fun to be around and might take that out on others. Excusing it with trama reason aren't gonna get you anywhere.

But imo a lot of bullying comes from there's this sort of kinship on having someone to rail on about. And if you got some socially awkward kid who doesn't bathe much and isn't fun to be around, it's a pretty easy target. Like occasionally there's a kid who obviously starting shit, but most of the time it's just people who feel peer pressured into. It's not a calculated effort, just something to pass the time.

Like I mean, if you look in pretty much any group there's a sort of scapegoat. It might be a more vague group of people, but if you got an easy go to, it's easy to find things unrelated to pin on it.

I have a question. If one of those bullies came up to you now and apologised unreservedly and explained that they'd been a messed up kid and why - how do you think you'd feel? Would it be unwelcome to you? Or do you think it would be cathartic, even just a tiny bit?

I owe someone an apology of this type and I'm trying to work out whether I should speak to them or not. The last thing I want to do is cause them more pain.

I actually had someone who felt pretty bad about being mean to me apologize, but I didn't think that they were all that bad about it in the first place. It was more like, "Oh, didn't realize you thought you were all that mean to me in the first place. No hard feelings, I guess." But they more went along with other people being mean than starting stuff on their own, dunno what your case is like.

I mean, it varies person to person, but I personally don't hold on grudges much, so I don't really think about that I was bullied pretty bad until it's brought up and even then it's more like "oh yeah that happened" than feeling sad or upset about it. I appreciated the effort and it's nice to know that they felt bad about it, but you get the feeling it's more about them resolving their own guilt than it ever was about you, especially if it's been awhile.

Might be best just to write a letter about how you feel and don't send it.

Your belief isn't harmful. Your friend's belief, that thinking someone might have a reason for being a bully is the same thing as excusing them, is harmful.

I've seen people talk about this. I hope I don't seem dismissive about it but...I think it's more that, for people who dealt with awful bullying and were still hurt by it, it's tempting to think of your bully as only a bad person.

When someone hurt you that much and it got to you that much you really don't want to think of them as anything but a monster.

You don't want to humanize them, you want to think of them as horrible people who need to get what they deserve.

It's not a right way of thinking and can sometimes lend itself to bad things. But I can understand why people might feel that way when they're hurt.

Her point was that it would be an excuse for their behavior.

I feel like the background can be more of an 'explanation' than it is an 'excuse'. If the bully has all sorts of terrible things going on in the background of their life, I can understand a little more why they might lash out at others or exercise power in one area that they can, even if it's negative. It doesn't mean that it's not a shitty thing to do, and it doesn't excuse them doing it - but I do understand the root causes.

A lot of times, people do try to use explanations as excuses, but I see them as separate things.

And I wouldn't ever want to say that we shouldn't be looking at the root causes of these things.

an explanation is not the same thing as an excuse.

[ SECRET POST #3307 ]

'Harmful' Beliefs

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