fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3357 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3357 ⌋

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Let's suppose you friend dump someone who has been dumped because they said too many hurtful things. Let's also assume you don't see them much, if ever, through mutual friends/activities.

1. Do you tell them you're friend dumping them, or just avoid contact?

2. If they ask why you've stopped contacting them/unfriended them/whatever else, what do you say?

Related: Is there any point in explaining to someone why their behavior is hurtful? Or will they almost always just find a rebuttal that excuses their shitty behavior?

classic disclaimer of my experience =/= everyone's, ymmv, yadda yadda

I don't enjoy confrontation, no matter what scenarios my brain likes to envision when I'm awake with insomnia and rage, so I've gone the "avoid contact" route. That includes not engaging when they attempt to start shit. I have no idea what I would say if someone actually asked - the only person I've ever cut off never even noticed.

But explaining? It depends on the type of shitty behavior and the source. In my case, the person is so narcissistic that even if I tried saying something, they would not accept it. They wouldn't believe it, and I would be turned into the devil. It's everyone else's fault but hers, I've already seen it with the 3-4 other friends who have also cut her off. One tried explaining, the narcissist responded with something along the lines of "why do you make me hurt you." So if this shitty person in your life is the type to turn everything into how the whole world is against them, explanations will just fall on deaf ears.

However I don't have any problem with people who need to tell them why their behavior is shitty for their own sake, to get it off their chests. Some people can't cut off contact without that closure and I'm not the person to say whether that's right or wrong.

That's why I hate when people say "tell him/her how you feel." If someone is making you feel that badly, they probably either don't care or won't admit it. It's fine advice some of the time, but a lot of the time it'll make things worse.

I mean, my boss once told me to tell a bully coworker how I felt. It didn't go over well, because she really would not believe me. (In fact, everything you describe sounds just like her.)

This has been my experience too with people who's behavior was bad enough I considered it. They always turn it back on you, and make it out to be your fault, of will constantly pull up "but you weren't innocent either". It's like talking to a child. If they ask I'll tell them before cutting ties. But I don't have time for being told why their shitty treatment of me is really my fault.

...Friend dumping? Seriously?

What's the question?

(not AYRT)

Why are we making up asinine terms for cutting ties with acquaintances, I guess.

It's much easier to cut ties with acquaintances. the term friend is obviously implying they are/were quite emotionally connected. So a new term is used to imply the obvious added complexity.

One, someone you only ever interact with via mutual friends and group activities is an acquaintance.

Two, cutting ties with a friend doesn't need its own cutesy little term, especially if the point is to denote ~added complexity~.

I'm sorry you don't understand the nature of words, meanings and complexities.

idk I guess it's faster to say than "ending a friendship with". and people make up terms for things all the time. I like it and I think it's accurate if it's an established, close friendship.

I don't think you necessarily owe someone a reason as to why you're unfriending them. Generally, most people just don't ask.

As to whether or not they'll take your comments to heart... that's tough to say. Maybe. It doesn't hurt to tell them so and then refuse to reply to anything else they have to say.

Is there any point in explaining to someone why their behavior is hurtful?

In my experience, no. They just turn it into an argument.

I'll let people hurt me over and over again, but when I've finally had enough, I cease all contact without explanation and ignore them if they try to contact me.

I'm of the belief that unless someone is outright abusive it's the right thing to do to tell them why you're ending things. You can say once "I think this is hurtful because reasons", and if they say they'll improve, see if they do; if they don't, say you're ending it and end it. If they try to turn it back on you, well, at least you tried. You don't owe them 2994098 explanations, but it's nice to give them one.

However, I feel a lot more strongly about this wrt romantic relationships than platonic ones, especially because friends often drift apart without it being intentional (by either person).

I did have one friend who I just stopped talking to, but I had already tried to hash it out with him before and by that point I was just exhausted and upset. He rarely contacted me at that point anyway though so I don't think he was that invested anyway. I don't even know if I did it consciously - it was kind of "well he hasn't talked to me in X amount of time, I guess he doesn't want to" and I wasn't really motivated to contact him again so I didn't.

I agree. Sometimes people honestly don't realize how they come across to others - I have one friend who can seem rather harsh at times because she's blunt and outspoken. She's never deliberately mean, but she also doesn't sugarcoat things, and because of that she's had people think she was angry at them when she actually wasn't.

1. Nah, just ghost them. No need to rub it in.

2. "I've been really busy." "We don't really have a lot in common." Vague stuff, but honestly I would keep it vague because you don't want to engage this person.

As for the last... eh. Depends on how involved you want to be. It doesn't sound like this person is very open to changing or hearing what they did wrong, so unless you want to take the trouble and get into a big argument, no. Or keep it very short.

"I don't like the way you treat me/people."
"You say mean things and I don't like it."
"I don't want to hang out with people who put me down."

Shrug at excuses and repeat yourself. "I don't like it." "I think that's mean." But don't engage for long, just state your feelings and leave.

Anon from below, these are good terms!

I'm anon who posts sometimes about the friend I dumped "without warning".

1. I didn't tell them, I avoided contact for a few months (this was easy) and then I blocked them

2. This is why I blocked them, so they wouldn't contact me over my absence. I have loosely prepared phrases of "We have grown apart" if they do contact me in other ways (They are not blocked on facebook or email, both of which they know and are reasonable ways around a phone blockage). Mostly I hope if we are forced to interact in person, that if I act like nothing is up they too will act like nothing is up.

Related: I think it would depend on how you think they will take it. In my case, I think they will just use it to excuse their shitty behaviour or to turn it around and attack me. As attacking me when they are frustrated is one of the reasons I dumped them.

[ SECRET POST #3357 ]

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