fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3382 ]

[ SECRET POST #3382 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3382 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 093 secrets from Secret Submission Post #483.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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How can a guy know, really 100% know that when he has sex with a willing seeming woman, that she really wants the sex and not just doing it because they've been in a relationship for so long and she knows he wants it?

How can you be sure that she's not doing it because she feels pressured? The guilt is driving me insane, I want to know that she wants is, and that she's no lying to spare my feelings, because she totally would do that.

There isn't, technically, any way to know 100% barring mind reading.

Gender is irrelevant to this.

This.

If OP cannot trust their partner literally telling them how they feel about things, then the issue is deeper than sex. How do they trust them about anything else?

Also the thing is that YEAH, sometimes in a relationship one person might want sex more than the other, and yeah, have sex for the benefit of their partner - but, that doesn't mean it's non-consensual. There's more than one reason to have sex.

that doesn't mean it's non-consensual

That's kinda exactly what it means. consent isn't just the absence of a No, it has to be an enthusiastic and genuine yes.

oh, good grief.

Saying yes because you know it'll make your partner happy even if you're not 100% in the mood is different than saying yes because you feel there would be an emotional/relational repercussion from saying no.

There are asexual people in relationships who have sex with their partners because it makes their partner happy. That is not non-consensual if they know they can also say no and it will be respected.

Re: Sex question

kallanda_lee - 2016-04-07 23:44 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sex question

(Anonymous) - 2016-04-07 23:46 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sex question

(Anonymous) - 2016-04-07 23:49 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sex question

kallanda_lee - 2016-04-07 23:51 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sex question

kallanda_lee - 2016-04-07 23:52 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sex question

ibbity - 2016-04-08 02:09 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Sex question

(Anonymous) - 2016-04-08 00:45 (UTC) - Expand

OK, putting aside the sexual side of this, how is the communication in the relationship? Can you both talk about things without being afraid of the other person? I know sometimes people lie to spare feelings, but open and caring communication inside a relationship is always something to strive for.

If you can practice communication, and be very open and caring with each other, it will do wonders for every area, including sex. You need to be able to talk about sex and what you want; you need to be able to say no. It can't be unspoken all the time. Couples need ot discuss.

I watched this the other day and I realized, he's so right! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tr8aSXNdb2Y I don't know if his advice is usually good, but talking about sex, learning how to really communicate, is something to strive for. But that goes for lots of areas of a relationship.

I think if you can be open and vulnerable with your partner, open the door for them to talk, you can really learn to understand each other and maybe no, sometimes she doesn't mean it, and can learn to say that--and sometimes, maybe it's OK for her to say yes to make you happy, because she wants to make you happy and it's her choice.

Depending on the history of the two of you, there might be lots to overcome, but love and communication can work wonders.

Not only with sex anon. How can you be sure that your friends enjoy spending time with you and are not hanging out with you because they feel pressured?

The bigger and more important question here I feel, is working out the issue of 'she would totally lie to me to spare my feelings'.

If she does this, and thinks it's the 'right' thing to do, (without trying to sound accusatory here) is there something that you might have done--intentionally or unintentionally--where she would feel this is necessary?

Because if you're seriously thinking she'd go along with sex if she doesn't want to (and not just in a 'hey sure why not, I'm not super in the mood but ILU and want to make you happy' sort of way that some compromises are based on) that's more of an issue to me than trying to figure out IF she's doing that.

I would worry bigger than that.

On the S/O's side: Does she do this for other things? To other people? Do other people or family pressure her to lie to spare their feelings?

On OP's side: Do you trust her about other things, and if so, what makes sex different?

Just stop pressuring her, anon. Let her initiate. Actually refuse sex a few times. If she's being sensitive to your pressure she won't mind you refusing, but if she gets angry or frustrated well... then yeah, you're good to go. Be mindful of her feelings the way you think she's mindful of yours. In short, be a better boyfriend.

This is a very strange comment

How so?

Because it seems weirdly manipulative, with the 'refuse a few times and see if she gets angry or frustrated'. Maybe it's just the way I'm reading it, but I think it would be way better to discuss the situation openly. I know OP's problem is that they're not sure to the nth degree, but sometimes you have to take people at their word. I don't think relationship 'tests' are a good idea.

lmao definitely agree - baiting your girlfriend and turning her down just to see how she reacts sounds like a terrible reaction - especially since presumably it means WANTING to get a negative reaction out of her

Agreed. I feel like actual words would work much better in this situation than 'well just stop asking for sex and see what happens'.

Work on readying body language and nonverbal cues. This is something guys are traditionally really bad at.

Try putting yourself in her shoes, and paying more attention to her, and not just your dick and how your dick makes you sad.

Use your words, and you know, ASK HER.

Talk to her!!!

That's the answer honestly.

You just have to trust her bro.

(And remember that doing something like that for a partner who wants it is also not an inherently bad thing but that's kind of a different discussion.)

Is there something going on that makes you think she might be feeling pressured? Has she been participating less during sex? Does she not seem to get as much enjoyment out of it as she used to? Did she used to initiate and now doesn't?

The thing is that you can't ever be completely sure. As with all things, there's a point at which you've just got to trust your partner. If you respect her boundaries and her "no's," you express intimacy and affection outside of the bedroom, and you communicate openly, then you're probably okay.

Ask her. And if she says she wants sex because she wants it, take her at her word.

How does anyone know if their partner is 100% willing and into them? Barring telepathy, listen and hope they're not lying.

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