fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3415 ]

[ SECRET POST #3415 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3415 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 027 secrets from Secret Submission Post #488.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So she worries about you, you don't like that and talk back to her, then you both end fighting?

Honestly, she just seemed to care and although she may overreact, it doesn't sound that bad.

Just tell her you can't call her all the time/don't have time to chat several times a day, but without dismissing her worries.

A 30-year-old's mother freaking out that they're not texting her when they get home at night is way, WAY beyond normal standards of "worrying about someone".

Being 30 years old doesn't mean being 100% safe all the time and we don't really know the whole context (does op live in a safe neighborhood? had they any recent issue that could make someone else worry for them? etc.), so it's just as possible for their mother to have a reason to worry even if she worries too much.

Even if OP lived in a crazy dangerous neighborhood and had a bunch of health issues, multiple check-ins a day is excessive. If everything is so damn fragile that OP physically needs to live in a bubble, she might as well just live with her damn mother in a special facility with rainbows and non-cancer-causing sunshine, don't you think?

It's fine for the mother to have worries, and your kid potentially being dead is always going to be a valid concern no matter what you're going through. But no situation and no amount of worrying is a free pass to overreact and stunt your adult child's independence. Mom needs to get a fucking grip.

It's one thing to worry, another to require that your adult child tell you every time they walk in the house. Frankly that is ridiculous.

I'd also posit that she's probably worrying too much in a way that is unhealthy for her. At some point you have to let your children grow and realize they are their own people and you can't worry about them all the time.

It's true--nobody can be "100% safe all the time." And most people understand and accept that their loved ones aren't 100% safe all the time, and we learn to tolerate the uncertainty. OP's mom refuses to do this, and instead demands to be constantly reassured. That's not caring, TBH. That's wanting other people to carry you emotionally.

OP's frustrated and the situation is negatively impacting their relationship with their mother. Minimizing it by telling them it's not that bad is not very helpful.

I'm not minimizing anything, I just think 1) op was angry when she wrote that 2) we don't know the whole situation and as op said it, it sounds like something exasperating and no a extremely serious situation.

OP probably does need to set boundaries and the sooner the better, before the relationship with their mother gets worse.
But that doesn't mean her mother is awful for worrying or that the stuff they said while arguing equals to being emotionally abusive.

OP

Thank you. Your comment (at least it seems like you're the same commenter from above) was actually the most helpful one here because it was exactly what I needed to hear. You're 100% right that I was angry when I wrote the original post, and that it's exasperating but not extremely serious. I was mostly just venting, so I was a little surprised when all these people were all "OMG she's abusive!"

I absolutely need to have a talk with her once my dad is recovered but right now she's so stressed out from taking care of him (it's been entirely on her; the original plan was for me to help, but I unfortunately got sick the day after his surgery so I haven't been able to help for fear of getting him sick, too, especially with a compromised immune system) that I'm not going to get into it with her for the time being.

I don't like her worrying, but while it's annoying, I know her heart's in the right place and she's by no means abusive. In response to an above comment (that I think might've been from you?) I don't live in an unsafe area and haven't given her any reason to worry, that's just the type of person she is. Honestly, she'd probably ask her friends to call and let her know they're safe, too, if she could get away with it (and I know in the past she and her best friend have called to make sure the other is safe when my dad/her friend's husband were out of town and they were alone).

Anyway, we're definitely going to have a discussion about it in the future once things have calmed down in her life but it's not really THAT big of a deal to deal with it for now, I was just annoyed and needed to rant (I was already having a bad day and that was kind of the last straw). Again, thank you for putting things in perspective for me.

I'm not minimizing anything

You literally said this:

it doesn't sound that bad

I can understand not wanting to jump on the "she's abusive!" bandwagon because these things do have layers and not all dysfunction is abuse. No one said the mother is awful for worrying. It's her right to worry. It's how she reacts to the worry that is potentially abusive.

I have this kind of mother, and tbh, I don't think the problem is just that she cares so much more than other people. (Although that's how she explains it all the time--"I can't help it, I just love you so much!") I think it's her way of controlling things and people because she can't abide uncertainty. Most people learn to live with some uncertainty in their lives, because the world is full of it. It sounds like the OP's mom deals with it (or doesn't deal) by making other people assuage her anxiety multiple times a day. That's not an expression of caring--it's making other people do your emotional work for you, and it's quite selfish.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #3415 ]

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

OP

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?