fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3415 ]

[ SECRET POST #3415 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3415 ⌋

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I'm 30 freaking years old. Yet my mom always wants me to call her whenever I get home after being out somewhere so she knows I "got home safe". And just in general she's always wanting me to call her...I end up talking to her multiple times a day. Normally I just go along with it but today I got pretty annoyed with her and said how I'm fed up with being treated like a child and that most mothers don't expect their grown ass kids to constantly call them and most people my age are not constantly calling their mothers. And her response? "How do you know, you don't even know anyone else your age". Thanks for reminding me that I'm a loser with no friends, it's not like I'm already constantly feeling bad about myself for what a weirdo I am or anything.

She ended up getting pissed off at me and was like "okay, fine, then don't ever call me again!". So fine, I'm not going to call her, but I know that it won't last more than a couple days (if that) and she'll eventually call me.

My brother's a total asshole and basically has no use for her whatsoever, so I don't know if she's overcompensating (not exactly the right word, but whatever) with me since I'm her only kid that speaks to her but I'm so sick of it.

I feel sort of guilty for getting as mad at her as I did because my dad is recovering from surgery and she's really stressed, but I couldn't help it...I'm just so damn tired of being treated like a little kid. She made some comment about how my dad "almost died" last week (he didn't, he had surgery, but it went well and there were no complications, so she's just being dramatic as usual) and that's why she's so worried about me, but she's always been like this, so that's not really an excuse. She's always been afraid there are serial killers and stuff everywhere and that I'm going to be murdered or whatever...it's just exhausting.

Does anyone else's mom expect them to call her multiple times a day? I'm just not sure how to deal with her anymore.

I very deeply feel your pain, OP. My mom had me late after doctors told her she'd never have a child, and she's very religious, so she views me as her little miracle and uses me as an emotional crutch. She once got screamingly furious at me when I was in my twenties because I went out in a thunderstorm to clear a storm drain before it ended up flooding our house. She literally thought I was going to get swept up by a tornado or something. She's always been overprotective and smothering, on top of being a religious weirdo who was offended by things like the Simpsons. I learned to lie just to have a life of my own.

By drawing firmer boundaries and enforcing them, which is a lot harder than it sounds. My guess is that your mother is lonely and insecure about your relationship, which makes her cling to you tenaciously... which is putting strain on the relationship and will blow up in her face, but she doesn't see that. A few suggestions:

* establish a weekly or bi-weekly time in which you'll call her and catch up on what you're doing. Not for hours, mind you. 15-20 minutes, tops. When the time's up, say "Well, I have to go, love you, talk to you later Mom!" and hang up.

* But the rest of the time, you're going to be busy with work/personal life/that new hobby you've conveniently started and you cannot take her calls every day whenever she feels like it. Mark what times are off-limits, in which you tell her explicitly that you won't be taking calls. Not just her calls, ANY calls. (That part can be a white lie.) Unless it's an emergency, she needs to save up her conversation for your weekly/bi-weekly call.

* If you're okay with this tell her that you'll text her when you get back from nights out or whatever. No phone calls. Text. Along these lines, maybe figure out if you're comfortable updating her on the trivialities of your life via text/photos so she'll have the benefit of hearing a one-way communication from you, but without the burden of a long conversation.

* strongly encourage her to pursue a life outside of her home and you. If your mom had friends of her own and fulfilling hobbies, she wouldn't be constantly calling you.

This this this this this

I had a mother like that, OP (she passed way a few years ago) and our relationship was unhealthy as fuck and I'm still dealing with the fallout and struggling to assert my boundaries with everyone in my life even to this day.

You are not responsible for her emotinal equilibrium and frankly, she is fucking up as a mother by doing this to you. You don't have to stand for it!

that's great advice. you're doing her a favor if you establish boundaries, OP. you'll like her more for it and that will improve your relationship.

OP

Thanks for the tips! We're definitely going to be having a talk once my dad is recovered and things in her life are a bit more calm.

About texting, she's actually fine with a text or call, it's more me that would rather call. She texts as much as most teenagers, so one text can easily turn into 50 with her. It's actually easier to call because I can get her off the phone quicker than I can get her to stop texting.

As for her having friends/hobbies, she has a ton of a friends and a really demanding/stressful job so it's not like she's a bored housewife with nothing to do but bug me. Most of the time we talk on the phone she's complaining how she's soooo busy and can't seem to get such and such project done and I want to say "then get off the phone and go work on it!"

She can definitely annoying but it's not as big a deal as I realize now that I made it seem in the original post...I'd already had a difficult day and that was kind of just the final thing to make me lose it. I guess I really was just looking to vent my frustrations, which I realize now in hindsight.

Anyway, thanks for your advice, and I will definitely be using it in the future!

WARNING WARNING WARNING

your mom is emotionally dependent on you and is being emotionally manipulative. Set boundaries now! I can tell you love her and value your relationship with her which is good, but a healthy relationship between adults - even adult children and their parents - does not at all resemble the one you have with her. Say you will call her a few times a week, and unless there's an emergency, stick to your guns.

Also please make the effort to connect to people within your age group - even your general age group, they don't have to be 30. People who are not your mother, basically, and with whom you can have a relationship between peers. I'm not saying you're a loser, I'm saying you can benefit from having strong platonic relationships that are separate from your familial relationships and it's also good to have multiple people you can depend on.

Your mom wants you to depend only on her. It kinda sounds like an abusive situation and I'm 95% certain she's not doing that intentionally and wouldn't even think of it as abuse, but that does not mean it's ok to treat you like that.

This is good advice.

As someone who was once in this situation, I agree you would benefit from other relationships that don't involve harassment from a family member.

OP

Apparently I worded some things wrong because a few other people have said the same things you did, but mostly I was just angry and needed to vent. She worries about me, but as I said in another comment, she's that way with pretty much everyone, it's just who she is. She's definitely not abusive, and doesn't try to isolate me or anything which is how I interpreted your "she wants you to depend only on her" comment (I'm sorry if I interpreted that wrong).

Aside from the other family members I'm close to, I have friends from work, my neighborhood, etc. (they're just not necessarily my age; most friends my age are busy with spouses/kids so I don't really see or talk to them much anymore, which is understandable). She did clarify later that she meant she didn't know how I knew that other people my age didn't call their moms as much because you don't usually say out of nowhere how often you talk to your parents, and I probably wouldn't have had reason to ask them.

We definitely will be having a talk once my dad is recovered, but until then I'm going to just try to deal with it because she's already really stressed and doesn't need more drama.

Anyway, I was angry at the time of the original comment, and I'm sorry for making it seem like a much bigger, worse situation than it really is. Thanks for your concern, though. :)

Fair enough, but abuse isn't just about isolating a person, you know. It's also about controlling how they spend their time, and making them feel guilty for wanting to do something that goes against what the abuser wants. When someone has a legitimate grievance, it's a very common tactic for abusers to turn it around and make it the other person's fault... which is pretty much what your mother did. You might've been frustrated, but bringing up the fact that you feel her demands are unreasonable resulted in backlash, yes? Backlash in which she strongly implies that it's not her fault, it's YOU who's the weirdo.

Then instead of acknowledging that maybe you could both come to a compromise over how much daily contact you have, she storms off with a parting emotional manipulation-- she's treating you as if your request was horrible, when it wasn't. In the moment, she thought it was better to threaten you with estrangement rather than moderating communication. That's just childish. And incidentally? The fact that you have to rationalize and minimize her behavior to other people is very telling.

I'm not saying your mom is a monster, but she does have some emotionally unhealthy approaches in how she deals with people, namely you. If there's drama, it's mostly of her own making. Your worry of perpetuating that "drama" is what will result in you putting up with her behavior. You won't be able to draw appropriate boundaries unless you're able to take a step back and realize where those boundaries ought to be.

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

diet_poison - 2016-05-11 14:34 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

(Anonymous) - 2016-05-12 01:05 (UTC) - Expand

She did clarify later that she meant she didn't know how I knew that other people my age didn't call their moms as much because you don't usually say out of nowhere how often you talk to your parents, and I probably wouldn't have had reason to ask them

Oh how nice of her to clarify. Did she apologize for the cheap shot? (An actual apology, not one involving "if" or "but" or a deflection of her actions or a redirection of the blame towards you)

I text my mom once or twice a week. She never "expects" me to call her.

I do make time to hang out with her and do stuff at least a few times every month when possible, but ... your mom needs to chill the hell out.

You need to wean her off. Don't get mad at her, just don't call. Make up your mind to call her, say, twice a week, and stick to it. Have a pleasant conversation and then hold off until your next planned call.

She sounds really emotionally abusive.

That's definitely overkill. You are entitled to a life where she is not the center of your universe.

I agree with others suggesting to set boundaries and wean her off the multiple calls. Don't give in to her hissy fits. Keep some contact with her if she's tolerable. You can't expect to change her, but you can modify your reaction to her.

Well, no. That's not very normal. I mean, if you have a really good relationship with a family member and you text each other funny stuff all the time I can see maybe you'd talk nearly every day, but that doesn't sound like your situation.

If anyone called me that often I'd get a new number and not give it to them. I don't care how entitled they feel to do that. You're an adult and you have your own life. You're allowed to set reasonable boundaries.

I have family members that get hysterical over stranger danger and every other thing. It's not about me, and it's not about you either. They have their own issues and you don't need to let their fear and isolation be part of your own life.

Also, how rude of your mum to poke fun at your social life. That's petty and it's the opposite of supportive. Don't let her belittle you. If she doesn't treat you with respect, you don't have to talk to her.

Maybe get some professional advice on how to set boundaries with her?
Best of luck with everything.

Hell, some family members do talk every day and they're both ok with that. My mom talks to her sister nearly every day. They are best friends and they like that level of interaction.

It's where it turns into a clingy, controlly one-way street that it is not okay. And both parties have to be comfortable with the level of communication and not feel smothered. Most people don't talk on the phone every day to people they're close to, and that's okay. Many people text or message people they're close to every day, but not all. The key is mutual respect of boundaries.

So she worries about you, you don't like that and talk back to her, then you both end fighting?

Honestly, she just seemed to care and although she may overreact, it doesn't sound that bad.

Just tell her you can't call her all the time/don't have time to chat several times a day, but without dismissing her worries.

A 30-year-old's mother freaking out that they're not texting her when they get home at night is way, WAY beyond normal standards of "worrying about someone".

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

(Anonymous) - 2016-05-11 04:53 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

(Anonymous) - 2016-05-11 11:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

diet_poison - 2016-05-11 14:35 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

(Anonymous) - 2016-05-12 05:30 (UTC) - Expand

OP's frustrated and the situation is negatively impacting their relationship with their mother. Minimizing it by telling them it's not that bad is not very helpful.

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

(Anonymous) - 2016-05-11 04:50 (UTC) - Expand

OP

(Anonymous) - 2016-05-11 06:35 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Does anyone else have a mother this overprotective/crazy?

(Anonymous) - 2016-05-11 11:35 (UTC) - Expand

I have this kind of mother, and tbh, I don't think the problem is just that she cares so much more than other people. (Although that's how she explains it all the time--"I can't help it, I just love you so much!") I think it's her way of controlling things and people because she can't abide uncertainty. Most people learn to live with some uncertainty in their lives, because the world is full of it. It sounds like the OP's mom deals with it (or doesn't deal) by making other people assuage her anxiety multiple times a day. That's not an expression of caring--it's making other people do your emotional work for you, and it's quite selfish.

I do this, but then, my mom and I are a codependent mess, so no, it's not normal, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Does she text? Maybe offer to compromise by texting "still not dead" or something once every couple of days. She sounds anxious and paranoid and like she needs therapy and to be on anti-anxiety meds.

OP

She'd be fine with a text, she actually texts way more than I do. I actually am the one who'd rather call because it's easier to get her off the phone than to end a text conversation with her.

Right now she's really stressed because of my dad's health, and even in general she's usually stressed because she has a demanding job, and I would say she's worse at handling it than most people. I'm sure she could definitely use therapy (I know she's been in the past, but stopped because she was "too busy") but I wish she'd at least do yoga or meditate or something. She definitely needs some way to relax.

I suppose I have a different view because my mother and I share this personality trait.

After a certain time frame when we know each other are going to be out and about, our brains immediately go to "she's in a ditch/dead/etc".

Now we don't call each other multiple times a day, but we at least do a two-minute daily "wellness check" on each other. I also have several chronic health conditions, and Mom's approaching 70 years old.

I'm 38.

My grandma's the exact same way, always has been. So calling to reassure everyone "got home safe" is just standard procedure in my family.

OP

Thanks for your perspective, it sounds like you're coming from the same place she is. I don't know why she worries as much as she does but she's made comments about being worried that I'm in a ditch somewhere multiple times. It's annoying, but I guess it's good she cares.

Like I said in another comment, I know in the past her and her best friend have called to let the other know they were okay when they had husbands out of town just so someone would know that they got home safe.

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