[ SECRET POST #3518 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3518 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.



__________________________________________________



02.
[Star Trek: Voyager]


__________________________________________________



03.
[Voltron]


__________________________________________________



04.
[Up the Women]


__________________________________________________



05.
[Digimon Adventure 02]


__________________________________________________



06.
[Assassin's Creed: Syndicate]


__________________________________________________



07.
[The Sims]


__________________________________________________



08.
[The X-Files]


__________________________________________________



09.
[Letterkenny, Stewart/Katy]












Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 49 secrets from Secret Submission Post #503.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[diet_poison]

That's the more realistic approach and all, but I completely get anon's frustration. It's immature and cowardly to hurt someone and then run from them because it's ~hard~ to try to make it right.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[(Anonymous)]

nayrt but "make it right" is pretty vague. When someone breaks up with you and says they need space, you don't get to demand they keep interacting with you under the guise of "you need to make it right or you're a coward". It sucks that OP is hurting and they have every right to feel angry and upset. But their hurt feelings don't entitle them to control how the other person spends their time, and if the other person doesn't want to talk to them, that's their right.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[diet_poison]

I'm not even entirely sure what you're trying to say here. You can't control how someone else spends their time; you're talking as though people could if they wanted to which doesn't make sense. But you have every right to be upset at them for treating you like shit.

Needing space is fine. Needing indefinite space is...kind of bullshit. Yeah you can cut and run, but unless you are running from an actually abusive relationship or they were cheating or something - in other words, if you blindsided them and the reason isn't clear to the person you're running from - I reserve the right to call you a coward for doing so. It's a really terrible way to treat people, and incredibly painful to be on the receiving end of.

People who I see doing this to people, or justifying it, are people I will never ever ever ever be able to trust. I wish I could know ahead of time who to avoid getting close to so I don't get burned, but unfortunately life doesn't work that way...

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry, but I don't see it that way. Yes, it's shitty when people cut you out of their lives with no explanation and without giving you closure. But it's their life, and they get to make their own crappy choices, just as you get to make choices about your life.

The problem is that a LOT of people who get dumped are angry and frustrated about closure and not being given a good reason for why the other person doesn't want to be with them anymore. But there doesn't need to be a good reason. Nobody has to justify why they don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Your partner doesn't need your permission or blessing to not be in a relationship with you anymore. There is no "hey you can't leave this relationship without talking to me some more because I feel angry".

Do the circumstances still hurt like hell? Absolutely. Can they be emotionally scarring? Oh, my fucking god yes. But you still can't demand that someone stick around until you feel peachy about breaking up because that's just not something they owe you. It is not a reasonable expectation or demand to make of another person.

And those mitigating circumstances you're talking about? If I had a dollar for every time some abusive jerk got dumped and then acted like they had no idea why, I'd be a millionaire. I'm not saying this is true in your case or OP's case, but it's true often enough that this is why you can't make people "make it right" in a break up.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[diet_poison]

Like, I have never once said I would "demand" that someone talk to me. I even made it really clear already that I understand you cannot do that. It still fucking hurts to be treated like that and people are still allowed to be fucking upset at being treated like that.

The whole topic of this thread is "things you can't say to people but wish you could". In context it seems really clear that OP understand this and wishes they could make the other person talk but understands they can't.

Also, you are technically correct about everything you've said, but I am extremely afraid now to trust people just because of the fact that people can walk away at the drop of a hat and with no explanation, and it's kind of a shitty way to live life. It's REALLY a shitty way to treat someone. Are you free to? Sure. But if you make a commitment to another person then I'm gonna judge you at least a little bit if, with no prior warning, you wake up one day and just decide to leave. If you are unable to AT LEAST drop and explanation to the other person, then I wish you would avoid getting into committed relationships. :/ It feels like you're just leading the person on in a huge way. The fun times aren't worth the heartache.

If I had a dollar for every time some abusive jerk got dumped and then acted like they had no idea why, I'd be a millionaire.

Physical abuse is pretty clear-cut, but for emotional abuse, not everyone realizes they're being abusive. Are they entitled to an explanation when they've hurt someone? Certainly not. BUT I can't help but think the world would be a better place if at least one person would just tell them they're being abusive before they go. No guarantee it'll change anything but we'd never know if it would have helped if nobody does it.

For me, I can't imagine leaving someone with no explanation, even if it WAS abuse. Even if it was just a message saying, "hey, you're abusive to me by doing X and Y so I'm out" and then blocking them after that if necessary. But I would never ever ever ever ghost someone unless I genuinely thought leaving a parting message would result in danger to myself or people close to me.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[(Anonymous)]

nayrt

For some people, the reason others don't want to be in a relationship with them will never be clear, because no matter how many times you tell them that some behavior of theirs bothers you enough to be a deal-breaker, they see nothing wrong with it and keep on doing it.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[diet_poison]

I think that's a really specific case and probably not what happened here (nor what happened to me). Most recently, I had a guy tell me that he'd been really angry a few times but said nothing at the time because he felt guilty for possibly upsetting me. Then he blew up at me in a really hurtful way after he let it build up. I still only know one of the instances in which he was mad and have no idea what I did the other X times. He hasn't told me. He won't tell me. I recently gave up trying to get him to talk to me after he said he would, then changed his mind a few times, and when I called him on it and said it was hurting me and I wished he'd own up and try to fix it, he threw a tantrum at me a few weeks ago in front of some mutual friends. I still have to see him all the time or give up my favorite hobby, and being around him sucks. But at this point I am honestly pretty done with him. :/ Still not sure what, if anything, I'm going to do. I can't really just distance myself from him and I get jumpy around him now so I look forward to my weekends less than before.

It's pretty cruel to hurt someone and then make them be around you all the time (unless they give up something they love doing) without even trying to make it right. Am I entitled to anything from him? Of course not, not one word. Doesn't change how shitty his behavior was and that I have a right to be upset about it. (It's also pretty immature IMO. He's a few years younger than me. Learned my lesson on that one, I hope. And for clarification, he and I used to date but broke up months ago, so this is all happening in the context of a friendship, or so I thought.)

If I can't trust people to be open and honest with me if I'm upsetting them and genuinely do not know it, what can I trust? I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around everyone I love. I feel like I'll never be able to do anything right. Anything I say that is even slightly wrong, that someone acts even a little upset or weirded out by, I start to freak out a little bit that I've ruined everything and they're never going to talk to me again. I'm not always like this but it's been really heightened lately. It fucking sucks.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, but just because someone feels upset and hurt, it doesn't follow that the other person did anything wrong. And tbh, when people say "YOU OWE ME AN EXPLANATION, I NEED CLOSURE!" I always suspect that what they really want is an opportunity to argue or guilt the person who's leaving out of their decision. Or, failing that, a chance to get in some zingers of their own.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[(Anonymous)]

Yep, this. Sometimes I feel like people are arguing in good faith that they need closure and they believe that talking about it some more or having the other person stay will give it to them. But I don't think that's the case. Once someone's decided to break up with you and go no-contact, the time for talking is over. It just is, whether you want it to be or not. And for some people, there is NO explanation that will be good enough for breaking up. You don't want to make the mistake of feeling like you need to come up with a legitimate reason not to be with someone because "I don't want to be with you" is plenty good enough of a reason.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[diet_poison]

You don't want to make the mistake of feeling like you need to come up with a legitimate reason not to be with someone because "I don't want to be with you" is plenty good enough of a reason.

Genuine question. Do people really just wake up in the morning and decide they no longer love someone who they loved the day before, and not for any specific reason? This is so foreign an idea to me as to be really puzzling and a little frightening.

And do people who do that, if so, get into relationships in the future? I really really do not think the kind of person who is prone to that kind of sudden emotional change is cut out for commitment. It is not fair to the other person in the equation.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[diet_poison]

Are you projecting or something? Neither I nor OP claimed that anyone "owes" us an explanation.

Actually I'm pretty sure you're projecting given your last couple of sentences. I'm sorry that (apparently) happened to you. It doesn't make our situations any less legit though.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[(Anonymous)]

Actually, I'm pretty sure you like to throw around words like "projection" to make yourself sound more psychologically aware, when you have no idea what you're talking about. "Projection" is not drawing the conclusion--based on your observations of other people's behavior in the past and your recollections of the motives from which it sprang--that someone's present behavior springs from the same motives. Projection is attributing your own unacceptable emotions to others--like accusing someone you envy of being jealous of you.

And maybe you have never said in so many words that you're "owed" an explanation, but when you evidently want one, and call someone all kinds of names for not providing one, it's pretty clear that you think you're entitled to one.

Re: Things you want to tell people but can't

[diet_poison]

So if "projection" isn't the right word, what is the right word for "you clearly seem to have experiences and are assigning motives to me based on the experiences you've had with other people"? Honest question, because I'm not trained in psychology (nor am I trying to pretend to be...) and I want to make sure I'm being clear. But you are still doing it, even with this comment, drawing conclusions about my motives and actions based on what I can only assume are your past experiences with other people because you have no evidence on which to base your claims about my behavior.

For example, I also never claimed to call people names for not being willing to provide an explanation for sudden changes of heart. You put that in yourself. Why?