fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3994 ]

Let it all out

For several weeks now a holiday day trip with my dad has been planned with the invited members being him, stepmom, me, my spouse. A week ago we narrowed it down to sometime this week. Today I text him asking what day would be best and he comes back saying he still needs to ask my sister if there's a day she's free.

She's not invited.

She's not invited for so many, many reasons.

She is a vile, rude, annoying, inconsiderate, sometimes dangerous person. The sometimes dangerous depends on what cocktail of illegal drugs she happens to be on at the time.

I know dad would very much like me to suck it up and pretend like I love her because it fits his idea of a big happy family, but bitch tried to strangle me once when she was strung out on something or other.

Just why do this? Why make me be the bad guy? I'm normally happy to pretend like I don't outright hate her, for his sake, but that encourages him to try and set up more 'family' stuff, or start inviting her along, like this.

Fuck it, I was looking forward to this, but if he's invited her he can spend the day with her instead. I'm out. I'll do something with spouse instead.

Call him on it. Let him know that you get he wants to play happy families, but pretending that she's not physically violent and dangerous won't change reality. Try not to JADE:

http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Because remember, this is not a negotiation. Make it very clear that if he tries to spring her as a surprise, you'll leave and there'll be consequences for him if he betrays your trust like that. Stress that he cannot magically fix your relationship with your sister, he can only damage his relationship with you. If you decide to chance it and go, make sure you have an escape plan that doesn't rely on your dad or other family members who might think that "trapping" you on the trip is a good solution.

Nice update, he's claiming he mistyped, which is his way of saying 'you're right, but I don't want to admit I'm wrong' so... I'll take it.

And he knows damn well if he surprises me with her I'll walk out and always make sure it's an option. Another well-meaning relative years ago decided I was being 'difficult' about things and lied about her being invited to a family get-together so I'd show up. I showed up, saw she was there, went 'so sorry I can't stay' and walked out. It was a huge blow-up. Lots of tearful phone calls about how could I be so rude! I stuck to my guns and refused to apologize. Since then I've been wary, but no one else has pulled any surprises.

Re: Venting

(Anonymous) - 2017-12-11 19:04 (UTC) - Expand

Once again I have failed to get out of the house to go to a meetup group thing, even though it sounded fun. I'm always whining that I have no friends but if I never get out of the house I don't know what I could expect.

would you feel better about having one close friend over to your house?

I would love that if it were possible but I have no face-to-face friends. Not saying that isn't my fault, it is, but it's not that easy to change either.

Re: Venting

greghousesgf - 2017-12-11 17:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Venting

rosehiptea - 2017-12-11 18:02 (UTC) - Expand

Being allergic to penicillin is frustrating. those antibiotics are so much easier on the system. I'm on doxycyclene right now. I was already having stomach issues, but this is exacerbating it. I'm down to a super bland diet. I miss good food. I'm also really craving cheese and ice cream, but I have to be off milk products while on the drug.

Also, my doctor's office is really slow on referrals. It is frustrating because I have appointments I really need to make, but I can't because the other offices don't have the referrals yet.

Ugh, I feel that. I’m allergic to penicillin AND sulfa, so my options are thin, and they keep having to put me on the hard shit when I need antibiotics for anything. I’m ruined for a good week after my doses are up, and that’s even WITH taking probiotics to try and offset it.

Hugs if you want ‘em, shit’s rough.

I'm a fucking failure at everything. I'm sick of my job, but I hate that I'm so fucking failing at it too. I have nothing else and no support system, if I lose this job then this is it, but I can't stay here. I just feel like just asking for help is going to land me into that position of "what? You can't handle your responsibilities? Well fuck you, you aren't a good fit, so get the hell out of here" and that just isn't something I need right now. fml

First off, you're not a failure. You're struggling and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Any position that gives someone that kind of shit for asking for support is somewhere you shouldn't be anyway. I don't know the ins and outs of your circumstances but if you're having trouble managing your job then you shouldn't be afraid to seek help with it; most companies would rather you admit that you need support rather than try and muddle through hoping for the best. No job is worth feeling this miserable. You need to come first. Wishing you the best. x

The trouble is, there's supposed to be some degree of help but it seems like everyone is too busy to actually help. I just hope it's my imagination, but whenever someone asks me if I can keep an eye on something, I actually do and step in when needed. But everyone else just seems to assume someone else is going to step in and do all the work, or that they don't have to do the work of monitoring anything. I try to ask when I need help, but some days that seems like all I'm ever doing, and I fall behind on other stuff until it gets so overwhelming that I need five times the help to get me out than I would need if I had just had help in the first place. If that makes sense. Maybe I'm just dumb and don't know how to manage my time and resources. But I don't want to be that person who can't do shit on their own either.

The worst part is I warned the boss about not dropping more work on my lap. The boss is typically an easygoing person but it sounds like there's a lot of heavy stuff going on at the moment someone else's duties are falling to me. Which is fine if nothing else is going on, but the fires I'm originally supposed to be monitoring on MY end are getting out of control and I can't put those out. And when it gets this bad, I just... freeze. My brain shuts down. And it's probably worse because my primary focus is no longer on my original duties, so I can barely remember/competently handle the process that goes there.

I feel like such an asshole who's greedy and lazy because I've asked for so much time off already for other things, it's like with all that vacation time, shouldn't I have already recharged and be taking care of issues like they're nothing?

I also worry because some folks were recently let go in my department for not being a good fit at their jobs. I interpreted that as some serious writing on the wall, so I stupidly jumped on a position I knew I could barely handle as is, thinking if I had stayed where I was, it wouldn't be long before I was either pressured or chucked outside.

For the record, the company doesn't have a history of doing shady shit, but I've seen some mysterious decision made, and it was usually by the new guy who has the power to make that decision.

I know some of what I'm saying isn't rational, but I feel isolated where I am, and nobody ever fucking checks on me or asks me how I'm doing. I guess I could say how I'm doing regardless but it feels like everyone is too busy to listen or else maybe I'm not making enough of a damn stink. But if I do make enough of a damn stink, I fear the consequences. That's probably due to an abusive upbringing though.

Anyway, teel deer: I had one set of duties. Someone else's duties landed in my lap and I have trouble focusing on both, and now it's getting worse. I fear the consequences of bringing it up and admitting I can't do the work. (Although every day I keep testing the waters more indicating there is a problem but so far no response.)

Thanks for listening to all this rambling.

Re: Venting

viv_vivillon - 2017-12-11 14:08 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Venting

(Anonymous) - 2017-12-12 00:03 (UTC) - Expand

You're not a failure. That's the depression trying to suck everything out of you. It's not true and it's a horrible illness that doesn't deserve to be listened to.

Asking for help is something you should do. There are anti-discrimination laws and layers upon layers of regulations that are meant to help employees deal with this kind of thing. If you work for a bigger company they might have some employee counselling services.

I know it seems hopeless right now but it isn't. xxxxxxx

This is probably not what you want to hear, but if I were you I would start applying for new jobs. Not because I think you're going to get fired. That sounds unlikely, based on what you've said, because they can't afford to lose someone who is willing to pull extra weight. You should start looking at other jobs because the one you have makes you so unhappy.

It is possible that you aren't a good fit for the one you're in, and that's why you're miserable. Even if you would be awesome at this job if you worked for a more hands-on manager or more supportive coworkers, it doesn't seem to be working out for you under your current circumstances. This is not your fault. It is not your fault at all. But waiting for other people to change is frustrating and usually not that effective. There are probably places that you can work that are more suited to you, where you can actually develop professionally and not just get thrown off the deep end and buried in other people's work. I wish you the best of luck.

Re: Venting

(Anonymous) - 2017-12-17 19:35 (UTC) - Expand

I left my old job in September and got a new one in October. I had enough in my finances (despite having paid $2000 for car repairs just before that) that I was able to weather the month with no work, even if I was scraping by.

Then the new job (that I turned two other jobs down for) which promised me 35 hours a week when I took it dropped me down to 20-something hours after the first week and then under 20 hours the last two weeks. I was able to pick up at least a shift each of those weeks to put me over 20 hours, but it's not enough.

And on top of that, my computer died. Thankfully my brother-in-law just got a new one and was willing to lend me his old one a couple of days ago.

And my car started leaking antifreeze. Which could be as simple as a loose hose or something or as awful as a cracked head gasket. But I don't have the money to get it checked out.

And, even better, my indoor only cats picked up fleas (I think from a family I visited that lets their cats go outside? It's the only thing I can think of) and one of the cats is really reacting badly despite the Advantage I've given him the past month. I really need to take him to the vet, but I don't have the money. I think I can borrow the money from my sister, because it isn't his fault that my job (and thus money) situation sucks, but I can barely make it as it is and have no idea how I'll pay her back.

Plus, I need to go to the doctor because I have kidney stones that I think I've been trying to pass since September (with associated constant pain ranging from 3-10 and associated nausea (I've lost 25 pounds) and exhaustion, and I think I had blood in my urine last week, but I have no health insurance (the job only offers insurance if you work over 30 hours a week and have been there for a year) and no money.

I'm going to look for another job this week now that I have the computer, but who knows if I'll find one. I'm just so fucking tired of being poor and anxious and stressed and life, I guess. I feel so overwhelmed.

Can I just say, be really careful if you're a cat owner and your car is leaking antifreeze. It is fatally toxic to cats and they also love the taste of it. I'm sorry your poor kitties are suffering with fleas :(

Every few years, I decide to do some puttering around Neopets again. Relapse on my addiction to some of the flash games, you know, nothing too big a deal. I logged in the other day and went about reading some of the silly news articles. Four days later I try to log in again and my account is frozen. I make a new account and send in a ticket about it, and it gets reinstated extremely quickly (I was expecting to wait months for any reply). But everything on the account, other than the pets, is gone. I can't press that issue because I can't prove anything. I've been away so long that I can't even be sure I didn't just get rid of it all on my last visit for some reason.

I'm a tiny bit sad now. I was thinking about maybe getting a paintbrush. Well, at least my pets are still there. Not their clothes, but meh, they spent 10 years naked before wearables existed, so they can deal with it. And of course my trophies can't be taken away. So nothing that really matters is gone.

Now...time for one of my favorite pastimes: driving myself nuts trying to get a decent score on that fucking bubble game.

That sucks, I'm sorry. :< I go back to Neopets every so often too, it's a weird nostalgia/comfort thing for me. I went back on it last night and couldn't remember what I was saving all my Neopoints for, lol. I think it might have been a Transparent paintbrush.

Feel free to PM me if you want to add me. I've got Neopoints to spare too to get you back on your feet. :>

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHY I DO I SUCK AT TIME MANAGEMENT??

So I had a... a day, at work. A day. The kind where at the end you run out the door thinking “oh thank fuck, I’m free.” We had a customer who wanted help with something, but the problem turned out to be a machine issue that couldn’t be fixed, since it was Sunday. I tell him we’ll report the issue, he gets snide about it, I apologize for the inconvenience, and then spend the next little while hunting for info on how to report it, and find nada.

I ask my coworkers. No one has any idea who to contact, because while most tech stuff is handled in-house, this thing, we lease. I’m looking up tech support for the company we lease from when snide guy stalks by the desk and out the door.

Next thing, a woman by the entrance yells “oh my god, he shoved me!” I look up and realize she’s talking about snide guy. I ask if she’s alright and if she’d like to file a report. “I’d rather file a report about your manager, who was telling him to shit-talk you. I told her that she was being really unprofessional.” And before I can close my mouth, or say “wtf?” she leaves.

Second-in-command who actually runs the place has started a report on this guy, who it turns out is a known troublemaker. I’d actually had run-ins with him before, and so had other coworkers. Manager comes up. I tell her a guy just shoved another customer and bring up that he’s a known problem child.

Manager asks if the person he shoved was a lady “who told me encouraging customers to badmouth—“ ... “employees... is unprofessional. ... She was using vulgar language and he was very polite.”

I could see the second she realized that telling me she’d been called out for throwing me under a bus was a bad idea. Except I’m pretty sure everyone else heard what the woman snide guy shoved said before she left.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had issues with this manager, or even with this manager refusing to back me up when problem customers try to make trouble. Except I’ve actually done pretty well at my job despite her best efforts. So when second in command finishes her write up of this guy, I’m pretty sure the verbatim quote from shoved customer about manager shittalking me’s gonna be in it.

*Crosses fingers that higher-ups will finally do something about weekend manager’s hate-on for me, which is a fine old vintage grudge at this point and blossomed as follows.*

I actually don’t mind weekend manager so much, she’s useless and all of us ignore her and get on with doing our jobs most of the time. But years ago I clashed with her when she asked me to do something I wasn’t supposed to, and skip my break to do it. At the time, I was lowest on the totem pole, but I’d been filling in for coworkers on their breaks for years. Except we’d been slammed all day, and when things finally calmed down, one coworker told me to take my break, she could handle the public solo until other coworker finished her lunch.

Manager was taking her break and flipped her shit when I sat down in the break room. How dare I take my break and leave my poor defenseless coworker by herself? I needed to march back out there immediately!

I explained that coworker said she was fine and if I didn’t take my break now I wouldn’t get one, which was illegal. I was taking my break, and I didn’t mind filling in, but it really wasn’t my job. 90% of people working my job would’ve had no clue how to cover breaks for people up the totem pole; I was doing it to help out but it wasn’t a requirement, but it was illegal to skip breaks. I wasn’t even counted towards staffing minimums, I was a (useful) nonentity, with the pay to match. Manager said she didn’t care, my job was to do what she told me.

At this point she’d wasted ten minutes of my piddling twenty minute break yelling at me. I lost my temper and said if it was okay to skip breaks, then I’m sure she wouldn’t mind filling in up front while I finished mine, since unlike me, she was actually expected to know how to fill in for everyone else. I didn’t add that she was as much use up front as a lead life-preserver, but I should’ve. She’s loathed me ever since.

My friend is mad at me and I don't know why, but I suspect it's because I haven't been spending time with them lately. But I started my first job 5 months ago and it's been eating up the majority of time. What time I don't spend working is sleeping, showering, and eating if I can. What free little time I have is spent mostly just half-heartedly watching tv and dozing. I don't have the energy for social interactions 95% of the time, but I've tried my best to make time for them when I can.

Last night I logged in to chat with them, but I was only able to stay an hour long due to a scheduled power outage at my place. I was working overtime this past week and yesterday was my only day off, and they were really upset about it.

I just feel really haggard. I don't have time for anything other than work most days. I know my friend is depressed and feeling isolated, but I'm so miserable, it's hard not to feel stressed out about this.

I'm sorry, anon. But it kind of sounds like you're in need of more mature friends. It's normal to feel frustrated when a friend doesn't have as much time for you as they once did, but rational people understand that there's such a thing as jobs, family, etc. and they don't sulk about it. This is not your fault at all.

My partner's family spends a ton of time on Facebook posting pics and whatever, so I try to use it to keep them updated with our lives and they don't seem to care. It's not like I post frequently - maybe a few times a month? Tagging them helps a bit, but it's not guaranteed they'll respond. I like/comment regularly on their posts, but I'm not sure they even see mine and they never comment and rarely like. They miss major events in our lives and then act surprised when they find out later. I just... don't know what to say to that anymore but I feel sad that my partner seems so completely disregarded by his own siblings. :(

Penn Station and Manhattan.

Another criminal scene happened, again...

Keep on letting in these crazy radical Muslims, Liberals!