fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4101 ]

[ SECRET POST #4101 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4101 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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So, my cousin and I are fairly close. We like a lot of the same things, and we talk online a lot. I haven't come out to her yet, though (or anyone else in my family who isn't my sister or brother-in-law). And I love my aunt and wouldn't mind coming out to her either. But she and my mom talk about everything. And I'm scared my aunt would tell my mom even if I asked her not to, even though my aunt is super liberal and nothing like my mother. But my mom finding out would not be okay. I don't know what she'd do, but since I'm still living at home, I don't want to find out.

Is it safe to come out to my cousin, who is really close to her mom and I think talks to her about most things? Can I come out to my aunt and get assurances from her and trust her?

I'm just so new to this coming out thing. Honestly, but I want to have more people know because I have no one here who knows. Everyone I know is either my parents or attends their homophobic church. Or is people I do work with, so it wouldn't be appropriate. My sister is the only one in my life, really, who knows. But she's so busy, and our relationship has other issues, so we never talk. I just want someone to talk to, you know?

Sorry for the length. I'm just frustrated and lonely.

Sorry if we've asked this question before: How long have your parents been going to this homophobic church? Is it part of their upbringing, something relatively recent, or somewhere in between?

I don't know your family. This could work out all right, or blow up incredibly badly. You are asking other people to keep a secret. Some of us are actually totally fine with that; some folks aren't.

I think if you do have someone you can talk to about it, be grateful. That means there is hope.

They've been going to this church for about 10 years (when they are in the US). But they've been homophobic my whole life. And I was too until I learned better. And then gradually realized I was bi. They are both conservative, though not as much as they used to be, and homophobic. I don't think they'd kick me out, maybe. But they would in no way be okay with it, and I don't know what would happen.

I just don't know. I come from a background with my large extended family of very churchy people, and a few gay people, and we kind of learned to bite our tongues reflexively? But my super-churchy grandparents were actually really quiet, nice people, too, which I learned later is not the norm for everyone.

Going by your previous comments on the gc, it sounds like you're still very financially dependent upon your parents and would be in trouble if they kicked you out. Personally, I'd wait until you're sure you can support yourself and get a place of your own, without having to rely on the good will of people who... I'm sorry...don't sound very supportive or understanding at all.

This is what I'm afraid of. It is just getting hard to hide it. It keeps coming up in random conversations with strangers or with people like my hairdresser. It feels like I can't be me? And especially now since I've got a serious crush on a girl.

Totally understandable. You're ready to come out, but your parents aren't ready to deal with it and my impression is you're not sure they will ever be. My suggestion is to find people to talk about this online, anonymously. Lots of people are in the same boat and having a good support network makes a difference.

Unfortunately, the price of being open and being yourself is risking your parents' anger and if you have to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can afford to pay that price. Ut sounds like they already resent you (and have let you feel that resentment) for really basic, reasonable stuff like needing a place to live and financial support while you're finishing school and establishing a career. That's a bad sign that they're highly unlikely to be reasonable about their daughter coming out.

It's really hard to know whether people know/realize not to tell. I had some friends out me to a classmate without my knowledge. Nothing bad happened, but it still was a thing that should not have been theirs to share. They just didn't know they weren't supposed to tell, because hey I know that person. Made me wonder how many others they'd told before I caught wind of it.

If you can somehow make sure that despite the fact your cousin tells her mom everything, and your aunt talks to your mom a lot, they'd respect the fact that this is not something you want spread, then sure go ahead. But just be wary that some people don't realize that it is a big deal to share that kind of stuff with others without consent.

I'm sorry I wish I had an easy yes or no answer. Talking to them about how it's important to you that you get to decide who knows and when might help.

I don't suppose you could go live with your cool aunt?
I know it's easier said than done, but isn't there a club or volunteer opportunity somewhere where you can meet people who aren't your colleagues or family members? Classic film series at the library? Earth Day park clean up?

I think it depends on whether or not your cousin can keep a secret, but I personally wouldn't. Everyone YOU think can keep a secret knows someone THEY think can keep a secret.

I could see something like this happening:

You tell your cousin, because you're close and you talk a lot. You can probably trust her not to tell everyone.

But she's close to your aunt, and they talk a lot, and she can trust her own mom not to tell everyone. So she tells your aunt.

And your aunt is close to your mom and they talk a lot. So your aunt tells your mom. Or accidentally lets it slip without meaning to. And now your mom knows.

So, yeah. I wouldn't. Not until you're in a good place financially and able to go live on your own if you need to.

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[ SECRET POST #4101 ]

Coming out to family but not to other family

Re: Coming out to family but not to other family

Re: Coming out to family but not to other family

(ayrt)

Re: Coming out to family but not to other family

Re: Coming out to family but not to other family

Re: Coming out to family but not to other family

Re: Coming out to family but not to other family

Re: Coming out to family but not to other family

Re: Coming out to family but not to other family