[ SECRET POST #4171 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4171 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 21 secrets from Secret Submission Post #597.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Advice.

[(Anonymous)]

So... male acquaintance (semi- but not close friend) just asked me out. Sort of invited himself to my apartment along with a female friend after a mutual friend gathering, and said female friend left after awhile and he hung behind when she was gone and had "the talk". I told him I wasn't single (which was true) and I'm dating a woman (also true). He was disappointed but still wants me to go to a concert with him this weekend. We're in a mutual friend group, sort of the only regular friend group I've made since moving to this city relatively recently, and I don't want one fuck up to cut off the whole social outlet for me. Should I go to the concert with him "as friends"? I'm not actually interested in the music... but I'm worried if I don't, this friend group becomes awkward.

Also, the female friend called me after she left because she noticed what was going on. She had been worried about me and thought it was really inappropriate for a guy to invite himself over to a woman's apartment like that and then ask her out late at night all alone in her place (because what if he had been a predator). It didn't peg me as weird, but do you think it's inappropriate for a guy to ask a girl out in that setting, or is she being paranoid?

Re: Advice.

[(Anonymous)]

IMO, it's a little weird. I raise an eyebrow at anyone inviting themselves over anywhere. But a guy doing it when you're not that close AND staying past the time when their people leave AND putting you on the spot... ehhh. He might mean well, but that was awkward as shit. I'd say no the concert. I wouldn't necessarily cut him off, but I'd avoid one on one outings until I could be sure he wasn't going to be weird about the rejection.

Re: Advice.

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks for the input. This friend group regularly meets for after-work drinks and the female friend and I were talking about watching a movie at my place afterwards and I stupidly invited another female friend (it was sort of a chick flick movie), but she couldn't come, and I guess the guy who overheard took it as an invitation. I don't think he meant badly at all and he had been at my apartment once before at another mutual friend gathering, so I didn't read the location as weird, but I could see how it might be a general social no-no for a guy to do. I'll probably excuse myself from the concert, I just really don't want to leave things awkward because I would pretty much lose the whole group (except for the aforementioned closer female friend).

Re: Advice.

[(Anonymous)]

I get that, but there's a limit to how much control you have over the potential awkwardness of this situation. If the guy chooses to make a big deal over this, please don't go out of your way to try and smooth things over just because you don't want to rock the boat.

Re: Advice.

[(Anonymous)]

Agreeing with anon above you on the awkwardness he sort of put you in by basically tagging along just to ask you out (though at the same time, maybe he wasn't sure how else to approach you so I can sort of forgive that).

At the same time, I'd probably say no to the concert basically just on the whole not being interested in the music thing. You've made it clear you're seeing someone, I would give him a chance to remain just friends doing friendly things, but that doesn't mean doing something that I don't enjoy especially when it's going to be just the two of you and it's not like say... bowling or mini putt where you can enjoy hanging with someone peripherally to the activity at hand. Concerts are like movies to me, you're there to see a show more than you're there 'with' someone/people. If that makes sense?

Re: Advice.

[(Anonymous)]

It's not a situation I would have been comfortable with, because I know how wrong it can go. I am a lot more wary about men trying to get me alone now.

It's inappropriate to invite yourself into someone's space, IMO. It also sort of hits another wary point for me that he didn't back off at least temporarily in wanting to spend time with you. There is the more benign reason for trying to just push past the awkwardness or maybe not understanding that it's uncomfortable, or he is hoping you will be persuaded and has not taken your "no" as definitive.

Let him know that the music thing doesn't interest you. Set some boundaries for yourself with him so that you will be able to see if he respects your space and what you're telling him. If he takes it fine, then that's great and maybe you'll eventually find something to bond over as friends, but don't take it at face value that someone is on the same page as you with regards to how they view your interactions. A social outing to you may still be something he thinks of as a chance to convince you or to get you away from people who might be more firm in establishing boundaries on your behalf. You sound maybe a little naive or unsure of that, and some people will take full advantage of it.

Don't worry about making things awkward by being more firm and decisive. It is not you that is ignoring social cues. He is the one forcing you to make things awkward by putting you in that position. Better things be awkward than you be uncomfortable or in any situation where you feel unsafe.

Re: Advice.

[(Anonymous)]

If you are interested in going to the concert, go.
If you want to throw him a clear signal that 'this is just about the concert," then take a friend as well. Better yet, take your partner.

As for whether it was innapropriate or not... yeah, there are BETTER ways to ask somebody out, but he behaved more awkwardly than badly - badly would be not accepting your answer or throwing a fit about you leading him on or something along those lines. It's all about boundaries - if you don't want people tagging along with you, make it clear they aren't welcome; a clear "good bye, now," works well; or if somebody doesn't want to leave when the others do, my usual policy is to hold the door open and ask "So, do you have everything you came with? Hope you get home safe". It's hard as FUCK to set clear boundaries with people who like you more than you like them, especially if they're new acquaintances and you can't yet peg how they'll react - it sucks. It equally sucks when you find somebody attractive but aren't quite sure if its mutual and find yourself awkwardly tagging along hoping for one-on-one time in which to ask (I mean, for self-aware people, the mere fact that there isn't any one-on-one time is a signal that, no, they're just not into you, but ... hope springs eternal). So I'd peg it as awkward, yes, but innapropriate, not really.

I'm more confused by the behaviour of your friend, who was worried about you and the guy AND LEFT YOU ALONE WITH HIM only to call later. That is bizarre to me. What was her reasoning? "this looks wierd, but not my problem, I need to catch the bus"? "Well, this is creepy, but maybe she'll be okay with it, I'll get out of the way to give him a shot at it, but then call later just to make sure it didn't go badly"? I mean... what the hell?