fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4679 ]

[ SECRET POST #4679 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4679 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 31 secrets from Secret Submission Post #670.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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So I have a cold and have reached the “brain is mostly functional but body is a miserable exhausted mucus factory trying to hork up its lungs” stage.

I worked through the first day because I woke up with a sore throat I wasn’t sure was a big deal, and by the time I was halfway through the workday, had progressed to full on ick mode. Normally I have at least a day or two of “is this a cold or what,” but not this time.

Then on Saturday I worked at a Halloween carnival, staffing a booth for work, interacting with children, handing out candy, and, presumably, virus. Not only was I exhausted, I was probably also a health hazard, but work was super short on volunteers due to a conflicting event, so I didn’t back out.

I was originally doing the most low-risk, fewest interactions with the public job I could do while ostensibly doing community outreach. Then the other staff asked that I take over standing in front of the booth, handing out candy and prizes.

My uncle was visiting from out of state and instead of going out to dinner to catch up (he’s one of my two remaining blood relatives) he picked me up after the carnival, dropped me off at home, and I collapsed.

I went to breakfast with him yesterday, couldn’t really taste anything, came home, and ached and coughed and gagged and spat (and sweated, I stg I literally saturated my comforter and all my comfy clothes and pjs with sweat) the day away. And the night. Didn’t sleep much.

Stayed home from work today. I really need to lug my comforter and some clothes to the laundromat, but I’m still exhausted. Dammit.

I have PCOS, and my main symptom has always been super irregular periods - like, I've had periods separated by as little a week and a half, or as much as eight months. I just sort of lived with it.
Well, I finally got prescribed the Pill this year (and a really fucking expensive version too, thanks mister gyno), and I'm getting my period more often... just not a lot more regularly. I've had it twice this month, for example. And it's still not lining up with the sugar pills. I get that I'm mainly taking these to reduce my chances of uterine cancer, but I was promised various benefits that I am just not seeing! >:(

Tell your doctor. It sounds like there's not enough hormones in the pills that you're currently taking.

...I have so much to vent about, but no energy to do it. I have no energy for anything. And it gets worse and worse. Anyone who knows me and has any sense knows that I'd be healthier if I didn't have a job, but ever since I've had this job (which is probably the least stressful one possible), my parents, who don't really believe in mental health (I'm extremely lucky they pay for a therapist and meds), have been treating me almost like a human being. For the first time in my entire life. I can't give that up. I just can't. It's got to the point where I wish they would die so I could quit and be free, but I also still need them for so many things I can't do on my own, and...

I feel like it's only a matter of time before I have a total breakdown. But I've felt that way for 20 years and I've still kept plugging on. Because I have no choice. If I have a mental breakdown, my parents will get angry, and as stupid and silly and sick as that is, that seems to be stopping me. My fear of them knows surprisingly few bounds considering they've never laid a hand on me or forcibly isolated me or really done anything but yell at me and call me names and invalidate me and...well, they've never done anything to me.

Yelling at you and calling you names and invalidating you counts as “something,” and that something is abusive. It’s good that they don’t hit you, or starve you, or isolate you, or deny you mental health care, but it’s not right that they make you feel like shit or as though you should be grateful that they’re not more abusive.

The minute you trot out “at least they don’t hit me,” whether they’re a romantic partner or family member or friend, you’re minimizing your own abuse. I’m sorry it’s happening to you; it shouldn’t happen to anyone.

THIS

I mean this in the kindest way, anon, but... your normal meter is broken. You say your parents have never DONE anything to you, but that's simply not true. They raised an incredibly anxious person who feels LUCKY that their parents are doing the bare minimum of care, i.e. paying for the treatment that you badly need to survive. They've made you so anxious and frightened of being sick and allowing yourself perfectly normal, reasonable human frailties that you're on the track to ruining your health so you won't disappoint them. They place a value on you that directly relates to your employment, as if you don't deserve to be loved and treated with respect regardless of whether or not you have a job. Their love is conditional, it comes with generous amounts of emotional abuse

THAT'S why your fear of them knows no bounds. You know that it doesn't take much for them to turn from barely loving, not-quite-adequate parents who support you into angry parents who might snatch away what little they've begrudgingly given you.

I'm very sorry. I hope things get better for you.

I've been having internet issues off and on over the past couple weeks and finally talked to the ISP this past Friday. The guy I talked to was basically useless, but tonight's the first chance I've had to call them again. First talked to one guy who seemed to be slightly more knowledgable than the first, but still not that helpful, then finally got transferred to a guy who seems to actually know what he's talking about. And it's now been 1.5 hours that I've been on the phone and they're completely baffled as to what to do. I've felt since it first started acting up that the modem was dying and I needed a new one, but they seem to be doing everything possible to avoid just replacing the modem and I don't know why and I'm so freaking frustrated. :(

I think today is the first day I've really been convinced that I'm just a sad fucking social leper.

Either that, or the people running my department/company are trying their goddamneddest to run me the fuck out of this place, because I'm basically useless as a member of the team, and they're only "keeping" me because I was grandfathered in and I haven't gotten the memo I'm not worth shit.

Don't get me wrong, some of this is self-inflicted, but I don't need the added isolation on top of that, you know? I'm socially retarded as it is. I get that I should probably make the rounds more. But it all seems so forced and fake. I'm happier in a small group where some interaction happens. But I also know I'm not entitled to what I'm happy with.

That doesn't mean I appreciate it when they basically remove everyone out of the office except for me and the one person who's rarely there anyway. Or when I get reassigned to a different "department" where the other members of my team are in a completely different place. Or when I tell them of MY plans to move so that I can be closer to my team, they reassign me to a completely different team. Or when I finally end up where I end up, people leave anyway and they don't fill the spots. Or when the one person who sees you there from your old place and tells you they miss you, only to later ignore you every other time they're there.

I'm pretty sure it's me though. I just haven't gotten the memo I'm not wanted, because I'm too dumb to get with the times. I try to jump through their hoops and do what they suggest/ask/say, but it feels like everyday is a test and I'm failing it. I feel like a burden because I bounce between drowning in work to barely having any at all, and feel like I don't deserve even what they pay me because my schedule isn't busy enough. Everybody else can multitask and put in crazy hours at night and on the weekend, and spearhead all sorts of complex projects, but here I am, the hourly loser whose cares disappear the minute I clock out. I feel like I'm taking their scraps, and that I'm putting more work on them by asking them for more work, which makes no sense but for some reason I have it in my head that I should automatically know what I can do to contribute, because I'm convinced everyone else does but me. Yet I refuse to go that extra mile. I think that it would kill me.

So yeah, pretty miserable here. But I can't go anywhere else right now. I'm not sure I can go anywhere else. I don't even like what I do, and I'm sure it's physically hurting me. I can't even start over to do what I actually do like, because it's a time-sensitive thing and you need connections and a sense of reality, neither of which I have.

(I'm not asking advice, and I'm not asking for ass-kissing or sympathy or rebukes. This is the vent thread and I'm just venting. I don't know if I can get my head on straight until I get it out. And I'm aware a lot of this is self-pity, but thanks if you read all of it anyway.)

I hope things work out for you.

Grandma died, and I can't fly to the funeral because the huge annual work event takes place then and I'm managing too many moving pieces to leave. We're a nonprofit, if I am not there no one else can replace me.

I feel totally shitty since all my other siblings were there with her when she died. Of course, they live in town and I live across the country... but I still feel like the villain in a Lifetime movie.

Funerals suck. They are so sudden and even if I could get off work, paying for the flights would put me back months.

hugs

<3 <3 <3

Big thing: I'm trying to find a way to get rid of the anger and sadness I have all the time like she wanted, but it's just so permeating, and if I can't she won't think we can have a relationship, like the last eight years meant nothing.

Little thing: Sorry, fandom friend, your fic's still mostly good, but no, intersexuality doesn't work the way you think it does, even for sapient frogs.

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[ SECRET POST #4679 ]

Vent thread

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SA, cus mobile and topic jump