fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5208 ]

[ SECRET POST #5208 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5208 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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03.

[Shoot 'Em Up (resized)]

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04.

[Banana Fish]

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05. [SPOILERS for Kids Baking Championship]

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06. [SPOILERS for Big Little Lies S2]
[WARNING for discussion of rape]

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07. [WARNING for discussion of suicide]

[ID: Invaded]

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08. [WARNING for discussion of rape]

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09. [WARNING for discussion of noncon (probably?)]
https://i.imgur.com/qhjWFCS.png
[image linked for above warning]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #745.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

As long as we're going there anyway -- consent that you regret the next day was still consent. We all make bad choices sometimes. Own them.

This is true, I just wonder where the hell all these women (let's be real, your comment is targeted at women) are who are waking up the next day and claiming they didn't consent when they absolutely did. Because your comment makes this kind of thing sound like it happens a lot and that is a giant load of shit. It's a rarity and if you think otherwise you've been badly misinformed.

In fact, the number of women out there who convince themselves they actually did consent when they didn't is way, way higher than the number of women who claim they didn't consent when they did.

It's kind of condescending and gross of you to claim that there's all these women out there who *think* they said yes even though they really said no.

Of course, it's also sexist and gross of you to assume that all of these conversations about consent and assault only apply to women.

There are, actually. They feel guilt and believe they somehow consented while not actually saying "yes", because a woman is supposed to be sensitive, read the room, speak without words and all that bullshit. Source: life as a woman

This, 100%. It's hard for me to imagine how anyone female could fail to understand this, so I have to wonder if AYRT is a guy. If they're not a guy they are bafflingly oblivious. Hell, even if they are a guy they're pretty oblivious.

Lol, nice try, but nah. We all know who the sexist and gross one ITT is.
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It's you. In case that deductive reasoning was beyond your grasp.

DA - I'm reminded of an article I read where a woman accused a minor celebrity (I think he was a comedian?) of sexual assault, but by her own accounting of events it was basically just 'went on a date, went home with him, gave him an unsolicited blowjob, and... felt vaguely icky afterwards'. That was it. She didn't even explain how he was supposed to have acted differently, except perhaps by turning down the blowjob. It was dumb as hell.

That was not remotely what happened. What happened was, he made himself a sex pest. As in, a person who attempts to push and coax and wheedle their way into someone's pants when the other person has already made it extremely clear they're not into it. As in, a person who only cares about consent insofar as it means they can't be charged with rape, but doesn't actually care how the encounter is experienced by the other person.

I didn't agree with that woman posting her experience with Aziz's name attached, because as much as his behavior was scuzzy, I don't agree with shaming someone in front of an audience of millions for merely being scuzzy.

That said, fuck you and your gross mischaracterizing of her account.

*big shrug* What I wrote what what I recalled. I did not intentionally misrepresent anything, and it really doesn't reflect well on you to automatically assume ill intent on the part of an anonymous stranger, under circumstances such as these.
~ Signed, a woman who was talked into putting her mouth on a dick, aged 8 ♥

Since there was no sexual assault in that situation, there was no victim, and therefore I have no responsibility to believe the writer. If she were my friend talking about a creep she had a date with, I'd probably believe her, but she's a rando.

For the record, that's not what she described. She described a date with a celebrity who very specifically and deliberately painted himself as someone who understand the dangers of women with men well enough to not be such a person, and reiterated that on the date as reassurance, and then proceed to pressure her repeatedly for sex, follow her around the room when she moved away, including into the bathroom, which blocked her exit, and into a corner, with brief intermissions of this behavior to tell her that he would stop/be considerate of her nos, before resuming aggressive behavior. The blowjob was very much a "maybe he'll stop and he'll go back to the nice dude he was" action in her description. Personally, she described a heavily coerced sexual encounter imo, but because there didn't seem to be socially construed violent intent on his part or a block of her leaving the apartment, except those times he did block her in personally, or any penetrative sex, she was subject to ridicule.

I'm not surprised at your description what you remember, but honestly, for media literary reasons, I urge you to think about why that's all you do.

Oh, since we're going there I'm not all that enthused by consent as the primary framework talking about sex. Doing survival sex, appeasement sex, or sex just to get the person out of your space can really fuck one up as well. And since 90% of sexual abuse never goes through the criminal justice system anyway, it's more than reasonable to talk about mental health implications beyond "what can I get away with legally."

Like, I don't particularly care about trying to drag the people who got sexually abusive with me into court. I'd lose far more than they would in that particular pissing match. I do feel entitled to talk about those experiences with my therapist other supportive people.

Except that by any reasonable definition, most of that would fall under implicit or explicit coercion, so...

Well duh yes? What was anon talking about anyway...

AYRT: Of course, but as demonstrated above, people will play semantic and gatekeepy "but was it really rape" games about that as well. It took me years to recognize that my sexual trauma for putting out in order to appease a partner who was acting in abusive and manipulative ways was something I could discuss with therapists. Since early integration is a big factor in preventing traumatic events from becoming mental illness, that turned out to be a big problem. And people still argue at me over definitions.

Abusive people are very good at manipulating value systems in order to get people to give them what they want. So we need space for people to say "I consented but it still hurt me."

f!s has been having a long-running argument about about age-gap relationships involving teens in which the "technicalities" of whether teens can consent get foregrounded and the traumatic experiences of people affected by abuse, grooming, and manipulation are backgrounded.

And like, how the fuck am I supposed to clearly remember what forms of consent I communicated in the middle of a fight/flight/freeze/fawn episode? (That last bit is important, given growing evidence that appeasement is one of the variety of threat responses.)

To spell it out plainly, my abusive partners are legally innocent according to the letter of the law. They are unprosecutable according to the practices of a legal system that only handles the most extreme and clear cases of relationship abuse. I can still consider those partners ethically responsible for their sexual conduct and relationship behavior. And I can seek medical intervention for post-traumatic stress symptoms that remain years after the fact.

Moving forward with partners, I want more than consent, I want a shared ethical duty of care. Interestingly enough, it's close to how kink communities talk about ideally planning sex. (Although one of my abusive persons was a part of kink communities, so people fall short of the ideal there.)

SA: If a sexual experience provokes intrusive negative memories and feelings of depression, rage, disgust, disassociation, anxiety, etc., etc., then it's highly likely that some boundary was crossed and talking to a counselor to sort things out might be helpful.

I'm the other anon who replied. Yeah I got you now, and agree.

Thank you.

Yeah, this is a good point. I mean, I'm all for increased awareness about consent, but it's also not the be-all-and-end-all, either.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #5208 ]

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