fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5678 ]

[ SECRET POST #5678 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5678 ⌋

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For your non-fandom secrets.

I loathe the new guy at work. Loathe him. He's arrogant, refuses to admit he doesn't know something, if he bothers to lower himself to ask a question and doesn't like the answer he'll do it his way anyway and then try to blame the person who gave him the answer he didn't go with for the mistake rather than take some goddamn responsibility.

But I can't say this at work because he's black and I'm white. :/ I've been putting distance between us but I'm worried that ALSO comes off as racist. And it has nothing to do with the color of his skin and everything to do with him being a jerk who doesn't think he's got to listen to a woman who knows this job better than he does.

Just cover your own ass (document everything on your part you can, especially things that actually affect your work), but otherwise act normally.

I've been in the exact same situation except the guy was Asian and not Black

You can absolutely say something. The idea that you can't call out jerks when they're POC and you're white is ridiculous. Unless white people have been behaving the same way and it doesn't bother you with them - that's worth examining. But if he's simply the first jerk in the office you can speak up.

The next time he doesn't blame you for doing something wrong even though he didn't follow your instructions you can say something. Be polite, but call the behaviour out.

lol I initially raged about my own experience, but I'm curious if you can't kind yourself through to him?
Like, honestly though, you should say it imo. He is a shit worker and should be held accountable, being black has nothing to do with it. Behaving abnormally due to his skin colour is more racist than calling him out as far as I can see. Otherwise ignoring him is probably your best bet, just like don't be rude about it.

But if you're forced to interact, and your job involves a physical product, it wouldn't be out of place to let him know every time he refuses to listen to instructions- just in a kind and quick sort of way? Just smile, let him know, and keep reminding him of the proper way to handle/process whatever it is you do. Don't linger, don't interact more than necessary, just inform, smile, wait for an acknowledgement if necessary and move on. Pretend it's the first time, every time, and keep doing it until he figures it out.
I smiled my way through some serious fury and rage when I worked with the biggest piece of shit I've ever known. It's almost reverse psychology on yourself from my experience- though the rest of the staff hated her too, so that definitely helped. But being kind was extremely cathartic for me, I can't quite explain it, it was the only reason I lasted as long as I did.

A guy at my job asked me out and I cannot stand him. LIKE AT ALL. My body language has always been...closed off? And my attitude toward him has always been short, bordering on curt, but still respectful enough for the workplace. Hell, I avoid eye contact and always stare tiredly/unamused when he makes a joke. In essence, I've always tried to make it clear that I would rather not deal with you if I can avoid it. However we're coworkers and I will not be disrespectful.

Between stating that I appreciated him shooting his shot, as it were, and that I'm not interested in seeing anyone at this time, and I'm only focused on myself and that it's hard for me to find anyone attractive (I find plenty of people physically attractive, but only one person I've gone out with sexually attractive -- I could probably feel some kinda heat with the others should the time arise, but nothing like what I felt that one time -- but coworker ain't it in any department for me), he kind of tried to convince me? To go out with him anyway? Like "oh yeah, I've been there, the whole I gotta find myself, but you end up finding blah blah another person blah blah. I'm not sure if he got it. But a friend mentioned did you say you were not interested in him?? Specifically? Hope he finds someone interested in him.

Anyway. I don't like him. He annoyed me since he got to my office, didn't like his attitude. Obviously, I'm courteous, but man I just can't stand him. If he doesn't get the picture I'm gonna have to be a bit more forceful with my rejection.

I'm also confused why you would ask out someone who has shown no interest in you/has always been curt with you at worst, perfunctory at best. Especially if they literally chat with everyone else in the office for extended periods of time but give me but 10 seconds of their time. I would have assumed you didn't like me/didn't care for me/neutral at best.

you're assuming that people pay attention to the person rather than their own attraction and a lot of people really don't.

You listen to his jokes, enough to even make a point of it. He's only noticed you interacting with him so he doesn't know this isn't who you are normally. By not giving him a hard no you left your answer to interpretation, saying 'not at this time' means you're available to give it a chance in the future. Say what you mean. You're not in-law's you're co-workers, tell him full stop that you're not interested. When he talks to you at work, tell him you're busy working. You can be polite and not give him the time of day, just direct your attention to something else.

You don't have to provide an explanation. Just 'no, thank you' is enough. That's what I try to do with people who want to argue me around into doing something I've said no to, anyway. I find people sometimes come up with their own reasons and try to change my mind anyway, but I just stick to plain 'no' and excuse myself from the conversation as soon as I can.

I'm just full of resentment right now. And also gas, but mostly resentment.

Ohh, big same. It sucks.

Everyone says that the secret to beauty is confidence. I really wish that were true. I've been comfortable in my own skin for a few years now, no longer plagued by my facial flaws or not-flat belly.

That was until I discovered my OH was cheating on me. The other woman is very pretty and thin. And now I'm consumed with the most intense self-loathing.

Anon, the cheating is on them. You could be as pretty and thin as anyone could imagine and your OH would still cheat on you. This isn't about your looks or your personality or your financial situation or anything else you could come up with.

It's about your OH being a cheater. That's their character flaw, and your OH could be in a relationship with anyone in the world - including the very pretty and thin woman he's cheating with now - and they would still cheat eventually.

Don't blame yourself for your OH's character flaws. You can't change them - only they can.

Them cheating has nothing to do with your beauty. They're garbage who don't deserve you're attention in the first place. Technically your self-loathing began with their betrayal and then a lack of confidence as a natural result. It's them who are at fault, not you. You haven't lost anything, they lost you.

nah, looks isn't the reason. And if so - good for you. A least you know that s/he'll run away at the first opportunity.

Cheaters are gonna cheat. They'll cheat on her, too.

Yup, most likely. OP, your partner's an idiot if he's cheating for looks, because one day she will not be what he was initially attracted to.

Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley at her peak attractiveness (which, to be clear, was smoking hot). Cheaters gonna cheat.

I've been confident- and haven't gotten any man that I wanted.
Confidence doesn't work.

Today, July 24th, I am now 44 years old. And I have no cognitive feeling towards that age at all. If someone asks me how old I am, I have to think wait how old am I. It is just so bizarre, I guess this was building up the past two years with the pandemic but I haven't felt this dissonance till now. It's just... weird! I guess I should just go through life and just not think about the age, I mean I'm not doing it already so it doesn't make a difference... I guess.

[also someone try to tell me why am I having problems posting as anon on this site using Safari. Second time now and I use Firefox for it. Maybe I need to erase the cookies or cache or something]

Happy birthday!
I know what you mean, I think. I have to stop myself sometimes and say to myself, no, I was that age last year, or I was that age two years ago. The years don't really make much of a difference anymore, I add a little bit to the number, but I still feel the same.

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