fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6445 ]

[ SECRET POST #6445 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6445 ⌋

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A lot of the ace people I know in real life are very obsessed with sex, and talk more about having it than the sexual people I know. I confess I don't quite understand.

DA

A demisexual demiromantic anon here.

Some people on the asexual spectrum like being romantically or sexually pursued. They define being ace as never or seldom wanting to pursue any potential partner. They would rather be chased than chaste. If they can date a chaser type that they find interesting, a relationship could be formed.

SA

Also, wanting to be chased sexually doesn't preclude anyone from having a large libido, or a very sincere desire to enjoy the process of creating a child or children.

It's because being asexual and saying one peep about not liking sex gets a whole bunch of people up your ass about how aces think they're better than everyone else for not having sex and think everyone who has sex at all is a slut and we're a bunch of slut-shamers. Hence the reaction of a lot of asexuals eager to dispel that myth by overcompensating about how that's not true, we LOOOOOOVE sex just like you!

Where in the world is that happening? The closest I've seen to that is people in LGBT spaces getting annoyed because a supposedly ace* person shows up and starts loudly declaring that displays of affection make them uncomfortable, so in order to accommodate their asexuality, everyone needs to stop.

*I say "supposedly," because I think these are actually cases of homophobes getting off on mucking up LGBT spaces, not of bona fide ace people showing up.

In any case, instead of lying and saying, "no no, I actually like and want this thing that I don't like and want," isn't the solution to just not talk about sex? Most people don't, in day-to-day life. And if does happen to come up, and someone's a dick about it, then they can get fucked.

Also I suspect you know some ace people who never talk about sex at all, due to it not being relevant to their lives, and therefore you haven't actually noticed that they're ace.

Those people most likely aren't actually asexual. There's a big trend right now where people like to say they're asexual but they just LOOOOOOOOVE sex and can't live without it. Their argument is that it's about "sexual attraction" and they're not "sexually attracted" to anyone so they count as asexual. But that's like a man who sleeps with a ton of women claiming to be gay...but he's not "sexually attracted" to those women even though he LOVES having sex with them, so he's still gay. It's fucking ridiculous and offensive.

So. This is bait, but it has a real answer. I know you, anon, are an aphobe who doesn't really care, but I also know there are some people for whom this is genuinely confusing and I understand why it would be, so this explanation is for them.

There are certainly many gay people who can have sex with the opposite gender and enjoy it, even love it, as an activity. The fact that they're not attracted to the person doesn't negate that. But of course since they're able to feel attraction to some people, they're going to seek out those people to have sex with because it's an even better experience to have sex with someone you are attracted to. Most of those gay people will not be open about getting some level of enjoyment out of sex with the opposite gender, because that's an opening for homophobes to say "See, you're not really gay, you just need to look harder" and gatekeepers to say "See, you're not really gay, get out of our spaces." You know, kinda like you do with aces who like sex! See how that works?

Asexuals cannot feel attracted to anyone, so the choice is either have sex with someone you're not attracted to or have no sex at all. For those not sex repulsed, who enjoy the activity, sex without attraction is the best you can get. They love it because they're not able to experience anything more powerful. It's like loving cheap fast food burgers because you'll never be able to afford gourmet burgers. And people pointing out that that's the only reason you love cheap ones is likely to cause defensiveness and overzealous statements of loving the shit out of cheap burgers.

It's not bait and I'm not an aphobe. I'm asexual myself (I'm guessing you are not, given the vibe of your comment) and sick of not even being able to go into supposed asexual spaces without someone yelling "but some of us like sex!" I don't fucking care. Sexual attraction is completely useless as a definition if you're indistinguishable from any other allosexual person out there who loves sex. They don't have the same experiences as us, they don't deal with the same challenges in relationships as we do, and it's so fucking frustrating that they've co-opted a label that never belonged to them.

"Most of those gay people will not be open about getting some level of enjoyment out of sex with the opposite gender, because that's an opening for homophobes to say "See, you're not really gay, you just need to look harder" and gatekeepers to say "See, you're not really gay, get out of our spaces." You know, kinda like you do with aces who like sex! See how that works?"

This really is not the defense you think it is. "See how that works?" See how what works? These supposed gay people who like having sex with the opposite gender aren't "not open" about it because of homophobes. They're "not open" about it because they would rightly have ACTUAL gay people pointing out the fact that THEY ARE NOT GAY. Bisexuality exists, and if someone enjoys sex with both genders, THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE. And there's nothing wrong with that. But words have meanings, bisexual is not the same thing as gay and it's disingenuous to pretend that it is. Imagine if a woman went into lesbian spaces talking about how she enjoyed having sex with men. She would be criticized not because those lesbians are homophobes, which is a fucking ridiculous notion, but because SHE IS NOT A LESBIAN and unless those spaces have made it clear that they're okay with lesbians AND bisexual women, then she does not belong in them.

"It's like loving cheap fast food burgers because you'll never be able to afford gourmet burgers."

No, it's like saying you're a vegan even though you love eating burgers because you think calling yourself a vegan makes you sound cool even when you're clearly not one.

DA
Yeah and it would be cool to go to a fucking asexual place without someone declaring how we are not real asexuals because we sometimes enjoy sex or do not enjoy it but want to discuss it without expectations of allos.
You are gatekeeping your own community. Not cool

DA but if you keep going into asexual spaces to contantly talk about you having sex all the damn time I can tell you're an insufferably annoying person at least.

AYRT didn't say anything about constantly, calm down.

"Yeah and it would be cool to go to a fucking asexual place without someone declaring how we are not real asexuals because we sometimes enjoy sex or do not enjoy it but want to discuss it without expectations of allos."

Why do you want to call yourself asexual if you enjoy sex? What "expectations of allos" are there? That you might want sex less often than them? That you're not as sexually adventurous as them? I really don't know what expectations you're talking about that aren't just normal variations in sexuality. None of that makes someone asexual.

It's way more likely for an asexual person to go into an asexual place, thinking "oh, hey, here's a place that will finally understand me!" and talk about how they don't like sex, they are sick of society being so consumed with sex and be told "oh, but some of us really love sex!" and then that lead into a conversation by a bunch of supposedly asexual people going on about how great sex is. That's a conversation that can happen literally anywhere. Asexual communities are somewhere you should be able to escape that kind of thing.

If it's gatekeeping, so be it. Maybe asexuals who like sex should start their own community, because that was not the original purpose of the asexual community and they have taken over it.

Why do you want to call yourself asexual if you enjoy sex?

The difference between sex drive and sexual attraction to others has been explained so many times in practically every discussion about asexuality that if you still don't know the answer, you don't really want to. You're just sealioning with that question.

Ah yes, The Sexuals(TM) who see a specific person and can't stop themselves from getting aroused in public. If you don't experience that, you must of course be ace.

Yeah, they act like there's not a wide range within allosexuals and that anyone who's not hypersexual must be asexual, but that's not how it works.

As someone who is active in asexual spaces, while I assume you are not: literally nobody does this anymore. You're describing something that went out of fashion at least 10 years ago. On the random occasion that one does this now, they get a talking-to from everyone else. It was popular behavior back when asexuality first went semi-mainstream, but people learned better because of, gasp, education about what asexuality actually is -- something that you, ironically, seem to want swept under the rug, even though it benefits you as an allo as well.

I am not allo, I'm asexual, and you're right, I'm not super active in asexual spaces currently because I got tired of that behavior. But I've seen it as recently as a couple months ago, not ten years. It's good to know there are some places where it doesn't happen. And I don't know how I'm wanting to sweep education of asexuality under the rug when I'm trying to point out what asexual originally meant. If people that love sex want to call themselves asexual, ok, fine, I don't understand why, but I'll give you that. But it shouldn't be the default and there are plenty of places where people act like it is.

It hasn't been explained to me. I have asked multiple times in various conversations and have never gotten a definition that isn't circular.

I'm not sealioning or trolling or anything, I'm just an asexual person who is very frustrated that I can hardly ever go into asexual spaces and share my frustrations and mention not liking sex without getting tons of "but some asexuals love sex!!!!" comments.

Can ya'll just... make, specificaly, a sex-repulsed ace space, advertise it as such, and gatekeep THAT instead of the general ace experience/space? I mean this as seriously as possible. It just seems like a hassle having to go back and forth with people when the option of an exclusive space can exist and there's nothing wrong with it?

I'm a sex-neutral ace myself. I don't really care one way or the other- I'm even indifferent to masturbation. But sometimes the body wants what the body wants *shrug*. I'd fit in any ace space because I don't really make my sexual urges (or lack thereof) my entire ace personality. I don't experience sexual attraction to people and I've got a low sex drive (low key repulsed sometimes just thinking of the mess that's involved, *ew*).

It just seems like a hassle having to go back and forth with people

There wouldn't be any hassle or back and forth if people weren't so terrified of being accused of being gatekeepers and kept the original intention of the asexual community. The people who love sex/graysexuals/demisexuals/etc. should make THEIR own community. We were here first.

I don't really make my sexual urges (or lack thereof) my entire ace personality.

People who want asexual spaces to be for actual asexual people aren't "making it their entire personality", we just want to have one space that's actually for us. The people who love sex can fit in with the entire rest of society.

Fuck off, gatekeeper :)

Sincerely,
A sex-repulsed ace

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2024-08-30 06:05 (UTC) - Expand

There is one, on Reddit, and it gets non-stop criticism claiming the people that post there are horrible, toxic assholes even though that perception is not correct. The amount of posts I've seen from people saying "I've heard what jerks y'all are, but I'm actually surprised how nice this community is!" is kind of a lot, but that's the reputation it has. Sometimes you just can't win.

You're talking about people with a degree of bisexuality, here. People aren't open about their enjoyment of sex with the opposite sex in those instances because of biphobia, not homophobia.

It's certainly possible to enjoy sex with someone you're not attracted to. But arousal, which predicts enjoyment, is linked to orientation, and we have studies that demonstrate that. Gay men do not get aroused by women; straight men do not get aroused by men; lesbians do not get aroused by men. Interestingly, the exception is nominally straight women, who appear to be more fluid in their arousal, but this does not take away from the overall point. Someone who is capable of being aroused by both sexes, to the point where sex with both is genuinely enjoyable, is neither fully gay nor fully straight, even if they generally prefer one sex over the other.

Now, a comment on this: because that's an opening for homophobes to say "See, you're not really gay, you just need to look harder"

Yes, there's a grain of truth in this, particularly when it comes to lesbians. The idea that a lesbian could actually really love the dick, even though she's a lesbian, contributes to the harassment that lesbians receive, and the pressure they're often under to accept sex that they don't want. That's the main reason why they're so defensive about not wanting dick, and why they're protective of the definition of lesbian. The fact is that the particular view of sexuality you've outlined is perceived by many to be part of the looming specter of compulsory heterosexuality.

Oh, just what this shitshow of a thread needed, transmisogyny.

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