fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6499 ]

[ SECRET POST #6499 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6499 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[The Cat Has Its Heart on the Outside]

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I'm so sick of the ship wars in my main fandom. The fans of the less popular rival ship to the juggernaut (which I ship) are just such assholes. I won't deny that there are some assholes on "my side" too, but the other group are just such dicks, several of them are blatantly homophobic, and I suspect there's some racism, too. Usually I don't like to block people, but I'm at the point now where I'm starting to just block them as soon as they start their crap and move on...I'm so sick of them.

Anyone else want to vent about anything?

I'm just mad at myself. I managed to wrench my back this weekend. Bad enough that I had to go to doctor at lunch today. It is pretty painful and spasming. Doctor could tell. On muscle relaxers for a little while. And now can't do basic things like bring the trash out.

I wanna do something different with my career but I don't know what direction to go. In the meantime I am probably gonna take another shitty kitchen job. I actually like food service... or... I have a love/hate relationship with food service. My last jobs have sucked but I recognize part of the problem is that I honestly have a bad attitude. I get heated over nothing and backtalk when people ask me to do stuff if I'm upset, I can be way too negative. I am working on that but it's very embarrassing and humbling to admit to myself what I could have done better in situations where I messed up, especially when I was being treated badly for real (but also acting like a drama queen). I know if I can't look at my mistakes realistically I'm gonna be acting just like my mom, who would rather die than apologize. I hear her voice coming out of my mouth when I get heated over unimportant things and when I am overly critical of coworkers. Anyway. I don't expect myself to be perfect, I'm slowly getting better at communicating and staying calm in stressful situations. Food service is tough because it's common that you'll get shouted at or sexually harassed on the job, and I really need to find a balance between letting people walk all over me and overreacting with anger in situations that don't need it. I also need to be able to handle stuff like that without letting my PTSD triggers overwhelm me. Not trying to say I should just accept harassment. I want to honor that it upsets me and handle the problem in a calm non destructive way. Hopefully that makes sense.

Anyway back to what I said at the start. There are a few different things I want to study or try my hand at. I don't know what direction to move in. My indecisiveness is frustrating. Of course I start telling myself I'm too dumb to succeed at anything I want to do as well. I think I'm making a lot of progress on my mental health that will help me with my next career moves when I'm ready and I should just focus on that. But it's hard to be patient and hard to tolerate not knowing what I want to do yet.

Today was my late Dad's birthday and the first one since he passed away. My older brother who lives upcountry was completely silent for the whole day. No messages, no calls. I've checked in with my Dad's sister and mother, neither of which he's done. I posted a photo and birthday message to a group Whatsapp that he's a part of, which he's seen but no reply or reaction from him.

I know I'm the more sentimental of the two and me and my Dad had the closer relationship, but it's been such a heavy day and I'm just really disappointed that he didn't speak to any of us or acknowledge it in any way, at all. Idk.

hugs if you want them. I love my dad and I'd probably fall apart if he died.

Hugs are so welcome, thank you <3 Me and my Dad were incredibly close and I'm definitely still falling apart. It was such a rapid progression from him being diagnosed last June and passing at the end of February (leap year 29th, so commemorating that to the day will be difficult). I looked after him at my home for the end of it. He was amazing and just fucking mattered so much to me that it really hurts that my brother just let today pass by.

Give your Dad a big big hug next time you see him. I'm sure he's an awesome one too. <3

I don't get to see him very often because he lives 2000 miles away but I will.

That’s so tough and I’m so sorry for your loss <3 In a perfect world, everyone would do what we want them to when it comes to our emotional needs. But it just doesn’t work that way :( I hope your brother is ok because processing grief alone is extra hard. Big love to you all because it sounds like you’re all hurting

I am sorry for your loss.

I am going to play devil's advocate here. I am more like your brother - I would absolutely ignore everyone and everything because I just can't deal with such things with talking. I need to keep my facade because I can't break down, because me breaking down is unstoppable anger. Why I have toxic masculinity traits while being a woman idk.
Anyway. There is a chance that he is also grieving just in his way

I agree with this. Different people have different ways of grieving, and I know from experience that it can hurt when they clash, but I think the different ways can all work out with understanding and patience from all sides.

I'm sorry for your loss. Wishing your family peace and comfort.

It is so hard. My mom died and there are five of us siblings. One of my sisters and I cope by talking about mom (and her death) a lot, but the other three cope by basically never talking about her. My sister and I ended up creating a seperate message group so we could mourn our way together. We bounce around between sadness, happy memories, and all encompassing rage.

I am really sorry for your loss and for feeling unsupported and alone in your grief. All the hugs and sympathy for you

I'm very sorry for your loss. Is this something you've discussed with him before? I'm asking because this reminds me of my brother being unable to talk about our late sister, something I expected him to want to, which was unfair of me. Things got better when we talked about it.

I've lost my (pretty new) job and it's not actually such a bad thing (boss making stressful job even more stressful, job being just one disaster after another. Also I have a suspicion that they are playing musical chair contractors to get out of paying taxes). But I still sinking into depression. Like seeing it in slow-mo and I just can't get out.
Argh argh

*hugs* if you want them.

May I make a suggestion? I also suffer from depression, and losing a job is definitely one of my triggers, so I set a schedule — job search for an hour, go for a walk, do chores for 20 minutes (like, pick up stuff in the living room and put everything away), then back to job hunting, take another walk…it made the days go by quickly, walking helped lift my mood, and keeping my home tidy helped my depression.

Good luck. It does sound like you’ve had a lucky escape, tbh.

Thank you!
Yeah, I really need to get into more scheduled style because my mental health takes a hit without it.
My job was really cool but sadly had many downsides too. Going to miss colleagues already though.

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