fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6565 ]

[ SECRET POST #6565 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6565 ⌋

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How does someone who has massive self esteem issues, lack of self confidence, and tends to judge herself harshly no matter what learn to advocate for herself?

Honestly, I'm really easy to take advantage of. And now that I'm a department head, I'm having to learn to set boundaries and speak up for myself. And I've always struggled with this. Not to mention, my office takes advantage of me too, which I should have recognized before but really only started to recently.

I can advocate for anyone else. But when it comes to me, I just don't know how to do it. I can be confident and poised in court, defending a client, but all that goes out the window when it comes to defending myself. I just don't know how to learn.

can you imagine yourself as a third party client?

also letting your office take advantage of you shouldn't be seen as "it's okay if it's me," it should be "it's not okay because my office is taking advantage of someone and I'm allowing it." if it works on you then all the more reason for them to try it on others because it's working

You are right. In the past, I just assumed that I just wasn't good enough an attorney, didn't have the experience, there was no way I could earn more or get a better job. But I've recently got some positive feedback from other attorneys with more experience than me, won some cases, and got told by a bunch of other attorneys that I'm way underpaid. It just never occurred to me before.

I am working on it all. It is just really difficult to overcome years of self worth issues.

i try to view it systemically overall. if i allow myself to be taken advantage of, i'm allowing the system to take advantage of someone. it helps in putting aside insecure thoughts because it doesnt matter then if its me, or if i'm good enough, or other people are better; the system shouldn't be doing that to anyone, period, and it's wrong for it to be. in standing up for yourself you're also standing up for 'to whom it may concern' which is everybody in there with you

Realize that if they were in your shoes they would not help you.

That doesn't necessarily help since I tend to think fairly lowly of myself and my instinct when that happens is to think they are right and I'm not worth being helped. Stupid, I know. But it is hard to overcome years of ingrained stuff.

DA - you gotta catch those thoughts in the moment and put a stop to them. It is hard work to retrain your brain, but it can be done.

That is definitely something I've been working on. When I have one of those negative self thoughts I try to replace it with something good. But they still pop in my head all the time.

AYRT - yeah I am pretty good at catching them and just mentally saying "nope, we are not doing this" and refocusing but they still pop up frequently. It is really hard and don't let anyone try and tell you otherwise. But the first step is even being aware of the patterns so you've got that.

When you think negative things about yourself, imagine you saying those things about your friend. You wouldn't! You would defend that person against the criticism. Be your own friend.

I struggle with this, too, and I try to keep the Mission first and foremost in my mind all the time. That way I'm not speaking up for myself but for the purpose at hand. But leadership is so difficult.

Idk if this is exactly healthy, but I pretend I am someone else. Like I basically treat myself like I would a friend or even stranger. If I think as "me" then I'm like "meh, I'm okay suffering" or even "eh I don't really need or deserve this" but if I think of myself as my friend or someone else then I know it isn't right. Basically a "treat yourself how you want/think others should be treated" mind game.

Maybe a simpler way to think of it, imagine someone you love in the same situation and what you would advise them or want for them, then just apply that to yourself.

I started doing this years ago and while I still kind of have to play this game I have also noticed it has gotten easier and my self esteem has gotten better. Sometimes you gotta fake it til you make it.

This is a great idea. I should try this. Thanks.

This is something I'm working on myself.

I try to ask myself what I would do to advocate for a loved one/a friend.
I also try to think of myself as a child.
What would I, an adult, have done to help out me, my inner child, if the child me needed help?
Because as a child, my parents didn't advocate for me, I'm learning how to do that for myself now.

It's a lot of mindfulness and it's hard to always advocate for oneself, I still struggle with it. But I have learned to be proud rather than plagued with guilt when I advocate for myself and others have to do right by me.

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[ SECRET POST #6565 ]

Self Advocacy

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