fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #7081 ]

I have reached an embarrassingly-old age to have not learned this basic life skill, but alas, here we are. I have a major tendency to be a doormat/people pleaser. My general thing with people who push my boundaries is to just lie on the floor like a rug and let them walk all over me, and slowly build up resentment, until I cross the threshold to being fucking DONE, at which point I permanently ghost them.

This is obviously not ideal for myself or for the people I am spending time with, because I am unhappy and silently fuming for sometimes years without saying anything, and they have no idea that anything is wrong until I cut them off, at which point they are hurt and confused.

The thing is that my family and best friends aren't the type of people who annoy me, so I've gotten along ok, but now I have a boyfriend who I love but who is starting to really get under my skin, to the point that I honestly want to end this relationship, but I don't think this is worth ending it over.

But, like, how do I explain to him that I do not need or want him to police what I eat? He's not usually telling me not to eat something, it's more the opposite direction, where he's like OK IT'S TWELVE NOON WHAT'S FOR LUNCH? or YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME JUICE WITH BREAKFAST THIS MORNING or YOU CAN HAVE A NON-CAFFIENATED SODA THIS AFTERNOON.

And this is just so aggravating to me. I am obese. Trust me, I don't need someone to monitor and make sure I'm eating my meals. I'm eating plenty.

He also texts me stupid stuff at night, which sometimes wakes me up. I have my phone set so calls/texts from important people will come through while I'm asleep. Everyone else on my allowed list has the sense to not text me stupid shit at night, but he will send me links to YouTube shorts or articles he thinks I'm interested in. I put my phone so it just vibrates, but even the vibration wakes me up sometimes. I don't want to completely silence it or turn it off, because then I might miss something important from someone who actually needs something.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him mad, but damn. STOP SENDING ME DUMB SHIT WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. He also sends me texts throughout the day that are just like... random bullshit. Wow, that sounds so mean. But it's really irritating to get a text about something I don't care about every 30 to 45 minutes. It's hard for me to concentrate and focus on things, when I keep getting these texts. It's often more texts about food, not necessarily that I should eat, but "Oh look at this new food item that's coming out" or "I'm hungry and _____ sounds really good right now." Or more articles about video games or movies or something. And if I don't answer quickly enough, I get kind of guilt-trippy texts about me ignoring him.

I am just really getting fed up with it. Maybe this relationship just ain't it for me, but I have this same problem with people who are just friends. I still have a lot of guilt for cutting off a longterm friend because of this. So I've got to learn how to deal with this. How do I get past the crushing guilt and pain from hurting his feelings by saying, "Please chill out with the breakfast/lunch/dinner monitoring" or "Can you maybe consolidate texts into one instead of sending them all day and expecting an answer right away."

I have a hard time telling people no, so I let people do stuff that I feel is taking advantage of me without saying anything, until I get fed up, and then I ghost them. This leads to hurt feelings on their part and frustration on mine.

I have a boyfriend who is doing this and I think he might not be the right person for me. But even if I break up with him, I still need to learn how to tell people NO, because I have this problem with friends too. I have to learn to set boundaries and not feel so guilty.

Have you tried telling him any of this like at all?

I'm genuinely not trying to be mean here but this post seems to place all the blame on the other people for not reading your mind like "stop sending me messages I never asked you to stop sending, stop talking about I topic I never said annoyed me" and being like "I am people-pleaser (passive, makes you out to be the victim, makes it sound like others are taking advantage of you)" instead of "I am a bad communicator and want to take responsibility for that and change that"... and until you get to seeing it like the latter I don't think anything will change

Oh no, I know 100% that I am the problem. Or, well, nearly all of the problem. I just feel guilty about telling people "no" in any way, I feel like I'm hurting their feelings. So I want to get past that feeling and be able to communicate better.

Part of the problem is that in the past, when I DID try to establish boundaries with a former friend, she reeaaally overreacted to me and flipped out.

I just feel guilty about telling people "no" in any way, I feel like I'm hurting their feelings.

It's helped me--and others I interact with!--to recontextualize this kind of thinking as "telling people how to care for me". If I'm doing something that's annoying or even hurting someone I care about, I'd like to know so I can stop and change my behavior! I'd like to know how best to care for them, and I need to trust that they also want to know how best to care for me.

Not being woken up in the middle of the night with a dumb text is a perfectly reasonable request!

Oh that actually does help so much! I'd never thought of it like that. You're right, though. I never thought of it from the other perspective, of "what if I was the person annoying my loved one and I didn't know" which is really pretty sad of me.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 00:14 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 01:45 (UTC) - Expand

People struggle to set boundaries because it feels mean or very confrontational, but as you've already discovered, not setting them can lead to build up of toxic resentment. That's why boundaries are healthy and good, and not bad.

Re: your boyfriend, that's tough. If you haven't had a talk with him about "no comments about my food intake or diet, thanks for understanding", then sooner is better than later if you don't want this to slowly poison the relationship. Because it will. As for the phone thing, tell him you're not glued to your phone all day because you're busy with work/school/etc., then mute his notifications and only check it when you want to.

You're worrying about hurting his feelings... is he putting as much care and consideration into not hurting yours? Snapping at him when you finally lose your shit will likely be more hurtful than a civil, brief discussion about how you don't need your food intake supervised because you're an adult.

"And if I don't answer quickly enough, I get kind of guilt-trippy texts about me ignoring him."

That's a small red flag that suggests he's needy and insecure. You can think over your relationship as a whole and see if that's the case, or if I'm overthinking it. It's okay for him to want lots of texting or quick responses, but it's not okay to guilt trip you about it. Especially when his texts aren't super urgent in the first place.

TBH, that combined with the slightly weird "you can have OJ for breakfast" remarks would be enough for me to dump this guy unless he's mind-blowingly amazing in every other area. (Is he?) The combination of treating you like you're a child who needs to be guided in your meal choices + being the kind of needy stage 5 clinger who wants you to respond to every meme and Youtube video like you don't have a life outside of him gives me the ick.

+100

To be fair, we are getting the worst picture of the boyfriend because OP has let annoying things go for far too long and is now a volcano of simmering rage.

I get that. But honestly, telling people "you can have this for lunch!" is just weird to me. I don't see how OP ignoring that behavior could've fanned the flames, it's a behavior that's odd to start with and shouldn't escalate regardless of OP ignoring their weirdness.

As for the needy texting, it's possible that I'm so old, I'm TOO old for this shit. I didn't grow up with cellphones, there wasn't this expectation of being on call 24/7 to whoever's got your number. For stuff that's obviously not urgent or time sensitive, you send it and wait, and you don't expect people to get back to you ASAP especially if they're working or sleeping. That's reasonable, and not OP's fault.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 01:44 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 02:00 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 02:40 (UTC) - Expand

This is very true. The texts about food would be too much for me but I would've told him to please stop that very early on. The overnight inane texts are crazy in my eyes; anyone who wakes me up in the night with a text of a random You Tube video link is going to get an immediate what the fuck is wrong with you reply, but I might be a little bit of an asshole. To me you shouldn't text someone stuff like that at night unless you know they have their phone totally silenced or if they're awake at night. But does the boyfriend know that he's waking her up? Does he know his texts still come through? Has she even told him that much or does he just think he's sending her something that she'll see in the morning and has no idea that she's getting woken up and pissed off?

OP, talk to him! It'll be ok!! And if it's not ok, if he tries to guilt trip you because you don't want him to wake you up with You Tube texts or get a written account of everything you eat in a day, then he's really unreasonable. And you probably don't want to be with him.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 01:44 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 01:57 (UTC) - Expand

Yeah, I know you're totally right about setting boundaries. I know it's something that you have to do, you have to communicate and sometimes you can't just ignore things because the resentment builds up. I just struggle so hard. But you're right that someday I'm going to lose my shit over something, and that's going to be way more hurtful than a calm rational conversation would be if I do it now.

And yeah. There are some red flags. He wasn't clingy like this in the beginning. Asking what I ate once in awhile didn't bother me, that's totally normal and expected, but when it becomes a daily thing, and he's wanting a report of all three meals, it's just wearing my patience down to nothing.

Oh and this morning. He texted me at 7 am , "I hope your dog doesn't come in and wake you up before you're ready" Well, she didn't! But YOU just did, so thanks for that?!

DA homie, no one needs a "report" of all three meals, goodness, he needs to back the fuck down.

NAYRT

"Oh and this morning. He texted me at 7 am , "I hope your dog doesn't come in and wake you up before you're ready" Well, she didn't! But YOU just did, so thanks for that?!"

Did you tell him that? Does he know that? That was a perfect opportunity for you to say exactly that. You could have worded it nicely but still told him that his text woke you up. I mean, that almost feels like a deliberately passive-aggressive thing on his part. You really need to tell him. That's not even really setting a boundary, it's just really basic communication.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 01:44 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 16:37 (UTC) - Expand

He wants a report on all three meals? WTF? That's not even close to being normal. Why is he so obsessed with what you eat or don't eat? I know it's possible to make excuse for that. He's just trying to help! He's being caring and trying to look after you!

It's controlling, OP. Red flag. Policing what you eat or don't eat and expecting you to "report" back to him is an alarming form of control that's poorly disguised as concern. My guess is that along with the texting random stuff, there's something going on that makes him feel like he's losing control in the relationship, so he's tightening up the food monitoring and upping the guilt-trips so you're emotionally tied to him.

"Don't ask me what I ate/tell me what to eat, it makes me uncomfortable."
"I am not going to talk about my diet with you."
"I only check my texts once/twice a day, and I will not be able to respond to each and every text quickly."
"Your late night texts are waking me up. Please only text me within [these set hours] or I will have to put you on Do Not Disturb."
"Please don't text me at night unless it's an emergency."
"Please don't text me before 9am."

You don't have to be rude about it, but polite requests and firm boundaries would either get his ass in line if he's truly an okay person, or if he's not okay he'll double down and get even more assholish about it, which is your signal to LEAVE.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 05:25 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 05:41 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

(Anonymous) - 2026-05-27 08:48 (UTC) - Expand

he probably thinks he's trying to be helpful by giving food suggestions and he probably thinks keeping in constant contact via text is something a good boyfriend should do to let you know he's thinking about you. It does come off a little clingy though so he could be kind of insecure about something.

i would start setting some boundaries one by one. maybe start with the nighttime texts. maybe let him know you're going to bed at a certain time and can he please send you his texts during the day. and during the day if he says something guilt trippy about you not texting him back right away, try saying "i'm here, i see your texts, i'm just not a fast texter."

I do think he genuinely thinks he's being helpful and showing that he cares, it's just gotten to be too much. He wasn't like this in the beginning, is the thing. Usually I feel like this kind of behavior slows down when you've been in a relationship for awhile, instead of it getting more common.

I think you're right that the night time texting is the first step. I mean, if he reacts poorly to that request, which is totally reasonable, that kind of gives me an idea of what I'm dealing with (aka that means this relationship is going to come to an end). I don't know why he texts it in the first place when he could send it to my discord, where I'd see it when I wake up the next morning, but it wouldn't notify me instantly. I think that's what I'll start with - asking him if he can send me that kind of stuff through discord at night, instead of as a text.

I was kind of baffled by this behavior honestly. I've never had people just casually text me in the night unless it's a situation where they know I'm awake. Nighttime texts are generally something really urgent that I need to see ASAP. Not, haha look at this YouTube short.

"he probably thinks he's trying to be helpful by giving food suggestions"

That's a really weird thing to assume people need. Does OP struggle to figure out what to eat and drink on her own? Even if she does, sounds like she hasn't asked him for help. Do you give food suggestions to your friends and family?

It's not unheard of for men to be a little over-eager (and that's the nicest way I'm able to put it) to "help" women by mansplaining things, but it's not an attractive or helpful habit and he's not a nice guy for doing that.

You know this is on you. It might help to think about setting boundaries not as telling people to do/not to do things, but being clear about what you will do in response. So tell him that you don't want him to send you texts during [time you sleep] and if he does, you will take him off your "allowed" list because he is waking you up at night. If he does it again, he gets the clearly stated consequence.

You don't need to negotiate, you just need to say what is happening. And the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Oh, I like that. I think I do need to be more direct about it, instead of my usual dancing around and trying to sugar coat it. I love him and respect him, and I don't want to hurt him, but I get so mad when my phone goes off and wakes me up at night and he has sent me a link to a cooking short.

And thanks for the assurance that it gets easier. I've never been good at confrontation, and neither of my parents were either, but honestly I'm ready to stop being this way.

Just... tell him? If you feel something in the moment, just say it.

Sometimes you just need to deliver the truth (firmly, not savagely), and just let people be mad, especially over something relatively small like this. Not to diminish your frustrations, I just mean it's best he deal with disappointment over a minor thing now, and not freak out if you're ever in a situation... good or bad... where access to you is extremely limited or just nonexistent. But also... talk about it like two mature adults. It's possible the relationship is done, and it's equally possible that talking things through could make it stronger.

^This. Setting boundaries can sometimes result in discomfort, but it's better to let off steam and improve the relationship rather than letting resentment build up and blow up.

Honestly, the biggest help for me was realizing that I needed to give myself what I was willing to give to others. I am a person too, and I'm allowed to take care of myself. I still struggle with it, but I've gotten better at self care and knowing when I've really reached my limit.

It sounds like you're avoidant and he's clingy/insecure and you just feed off one another's neuroses. You feel crowded and struggle for space, so he clings harder, which makes you run even further, and you just spiral down and down. Relationships between those two personality types almost always end up being a toxic shitshow.

Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

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Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?