fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1216 ]

[ SECRET POST #1216 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1216 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 15 pages, 351 secrets from Secret Submission Post #174.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 1 2 3 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 3 4 5 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - empty comments ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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163. http://i40.tinypic.com/2uz3ujt.jpg

:( *hugs*

I don't have any advice to offer, but I hope things work out for you, OP.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who identifies as a male should be respected as a male, whether or not he has a penis, or ever plans on having one. I hope that your friends can understand that.

Iawtc.

I would put up exactly what you said here. How you were planning to transition but you are now having second thoughts and you aren't sure if you ever will. I've not experienced a lot of hate directed toward people who are transitioning and then change their mind, however, I'm blessed with not having any assholes on my flist either ;)

You said you have a small number of friends online. If you created strong relationships with them, they will hopefully remember that and not judge you for it.

Best of luck, OP! *HUGS*

(no subject)

lady-wormtongue.livejournal.com - 2010-05-02 22:21 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

fireholly.livejournal.com - 2010-05-02 22:24 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

rdc9 - 2010-05-02 22:52 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2010-05-03 01:03 (UTC) - Expand

regardless of whether you identify as male/female/other or whatever parts you were born with, you are still you. I'll be the first to say fandom can be so judgemental, but it can also be incredibly accepting. At this point it seems to me that you have nothing to lose by telling at least those you are closest to.

I don't think it should really matter. You are who you are, and whether you identify with one gender or the other doesn't really change that. If they're really your friends, they'll see past this and still care about you regardless of what you decide.

And if they judge you for it? They probably weren't worth your time to begin with.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2010-05-03 03:50 (UTC) - Expand

I'll love you anyway.

(Is anyone ever who they say they are?)

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2010-05-03 02:16 (UTC) - Expand

Transition is such a physically scary thing, and I think a lot of people who don't have to think about this kind of thing, don't realise that even with strong dysphoria, it's really really scary, and/or the practical problems and outcomes.

Also, there's nothing at all wrong with passing online, and don't let anyone tell you there is. You owe no one disclosure.

And, as other anons have said, if your friends are your real friends, they'll listen and understand if you explain to them. If they were just flocking round you because gay men in fandom are shiny, they weren't your real friends to start with.

Supportive fistbump, anon.

oh no bb I'm so sorry :(

I don't judge you

Tell them the truth!

Perhaps if you carefully tell them the truth. There's probably someone, you trust or are closer to in the fandom maybe? You can gently ease them in by telling them you have something important to tell them, and that you ask them not to judge what you are about to tell them.

After said person asks you to go on and 'spill' and you feel comfortable with it, tell them.

Perhaps that someone could also be someone who has your back as you gradually tell others.

(If you are sure you want them to know, I get the impression you're not happy keeping this underwraps)

I don't really have much advise to offer either, but I hope things work out for you.

I don't know if it helps but you're probably not the only person this has happened to on some level.

Gender identity can be confusing after all sometimes. I've kind of thought for a while that orientation is more 'fluid' then we give it credit for sometimes, so perhaps gender identity is sometimes the same thing. Not QUITE as fluid as orientation, but perhaps on some level it can be fluid too.

What I mean is SOMETIMES it CAN change for a person in their life. The fact is however, NO-ONE can force someone to change in that manner at all, nor should they try to do so. To do so is of course morally repungent, severely damaging to a person and wrong as well as impossible to succeed in reality. Instead such change if it happens could not be forced. You can't force yourself to change OP, and the fact you MAY have changed in an area is really out of your control. It's not your fault that any of this happened. And you can't I repeat, forcibly change yourself. Hopefully by gradually easing yourself in and telling people, things will work out.

And if they judge you even if you bravely tell them the truth, well, I think you're better off without them.

That's just my thoughts anyway.

Whether you find yourself to be trans or not I hope things work out OP.

I think if you're honest with your friends they will accept you for who you are. I know I would if you were on my flist and there are a lot of other people here who would as well. *hugs*

I think as long as you are honest about why you did what you did, and how you've changed well -- I can't guarantee people won't be upset, but I do think that you are in the right.

I know I wouldn't judge you at all if you were on my flist.

Transguy here who is also not out to fandom friends. For a start, being uncertain about transitioning is a good thing. It means you thinking about it and taking it seriously. Remember, there is no time limit on these sorts of decisions.

Secondly, you don't have to medically transition to be trans. Some of us just say fuck all that shit, and will live life as a dude in a female body. There is pressure to medically transition in some portions of the trans community, but there shouldn't be.

And thirdly, it's okay to change your mind about this stuff. Some people start transitioning and feel more comfortable half way, and some decide that they're female on days they feel female and male on days they feel male. Your identity is as individual as you are, even if you fit under the broad umbrella of 'male' or 'female' most of the time. At least, this is what I believe.

Regarding your friends, you shouldn't ever have to disclose. I know it's a pain not feeling comfortable speaking on vent or whatever. If you do decide to disclose and are worried about it, sound the person out a bit first. The only person I've told online is pretty interested in queer activism etc, so I knew she'd probably be okay with it. To be honest, telling her was a relief because it meant I had someone to talk to about this stuff when I wanted to.

Sorry about the wall of text. Whatever you decide, good luck. You're not alone.

I can't say that I know what you're going through. I only know someone who'd know (and actually anon, you remind me a lot of him. Maybe you are him). But I do know that there are people out there who would understand, and like everyone's said, if your friends are true friends, they will too. But I also know it's not as easy to tell people something big as it is to tell someone to tell people something big. I hope you figure things out.

/hug for you, anon

I know exactly how you feel. I came out to five people. I lost one forever. Three took the "like I care what color your underwear is" attitude. The last is one of my closest RL friends, and most of what we talk about isn't fandom.

Never, ever feel like you owe it to anyone to out yourself as being trans. If you want to, that's great, it's totally up to you, but you do not owe it to anyone to say "I was born in a female body", especially not on the internet. You identify as male, you portray as male, you are male, and no one has any right to try to make you feel like you're lying or hiding something for not mentioning that you were or are female bodied.

It's basically been said - I'm in a similar position, and while I'm firm in my identity, there's a lot of practical issues, aside from the social and legal ones, to transition. There are as many ways to live as there are people in this world, and it's a ridiculous expectation to think that every transperson would have the same feelings and experiences. Though honestly, I got down on myself about that tremendously and even avoided the subject with my therapist for a long time because I was so sure someone would turn around and tell me I'm 'not trans enough'.

Most of the fandom friends I've made are pretty open-minded about these things, I've had nothing but good experiences and have many fandom friends I chat with on the phone and spend time with IRL. I think it's better to be honest. The people who are worth keeping as friends will value you and respect you no matter how you choose to identify or present or if or when you ever take steps toward that.

:c -HUG-

I'm sure that if you explain it to your friends, they'll understand. I have a trans friend who did the same thing to his VF page, and when he explained to a guy who'd asked to meet up due to geographical convenience that he was female-bodied, he ended up still wanting to meet. They're best friends now. It's not that uncommon for trans people to do, so your friends shouldn't get all that bent out of shape - and that shouldn't change, even if you're having doubts.

As a side note to the doubt, though, ALL trans people I've met have had some major doubts, so just because you're having some doesn't mean you should completely drop the idea. A lot of my trans friends had doubts even after going through transition, but they eventually got over them and realized that they were happier. Not that I'm saying hurry and go through with it, just make sure of what you want before you make a decision. :)

No matter what the outcomes, I'm rooting for you, OP. ♥ I hope everything turns out okay.

Late but, I'm pretty sure your friends will just respect whatever it is you are/want to be called, judging from the people in this post (which ok, isn't very representative of fandom, but still.)

I mean, I think everyone can agree that transitioning is scary as hell and massively painful both physically and emotionally, and if they're your friends, I think they should at least be able to understand that much.

Also, I can't speak for anyone else but even if you didn't tell me beforehand and we met iRL, it's not like I'd suddenly start using feminine pronouns (I mean, unless you asked me to or something...)

If it helps at all, if you were one of my fandom friends, I wouldn't be upset at all. *hugs*

*hugs* People have already given better advise than I could, so I'll just say good luck, and that I hope you make your decision soon and it works out well for you.

This is an old secret, but I just had to say something. I really hope things worked out for you anon. I hope you were able to tell your friends about yourself and they were completely accepting.

One of my best friends is transgendered. She had the sex change. (I've only known her as female). I used to go out to lunch regularily with several of her transgendered friends, because they were really nice people. We called ourselves the lunch bunch. I wish you had a trans community in your area. Or if you were here I'd invite you to the Lunch bunch : )

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