[ SECRET POST #1558 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1558 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 12 pages, 291 secrets from Secret Submission Post #223.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 3 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ], [ 1 - take it to comments ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[wldcatsprstr-14.livejournal.com]

There's absolutely no guarantee that getting married older will guarantee you staying together. And not having kids doesn't raise the chance that a couple will stay together. In fact, it's the opposite (I'm speaking in terms of the US).

Looking at the older people in my life who look back on their youth and wish they got married and had kids and hadn't thought that it would "waste their youth," I feel even more sure of my belief in getting married young.

I just have this mentality that when you're young and flexible and hopeful about your relationship future, it's more promising to get married than when you're older, set in your ways, and (as I've seen in my life) quite jaded and so sure that your relationship will end. Obviously this doesn't apply to all older people, but I've seen it quite a bit in my life. The couples that have stuck together the longest in my life are the ones that married young.

[interrobangings.livejournal.com]

getting married while young is still dumb as shit

that's all i'm saying

and from what i've seen in my life, couples who have gotten married while older are more likely to stay together

[wldcatsprstr-14.livejournal.com]

My parents both got married young. My parents fell in love when they were 16. They've been together over 30 years. And they're just one of many couples in my life that this applies to. So maybe your personal experiences vary, just like mine do, but that does not mean that every young person is doomed and is acting stupidly if they get married young. You get married when you feel you're ready and no one can tell the future. Everything in life is about taking some kind of a chance and marriage is no different. Young or old, people can still be complete idiots about marriage. Painting all young people with the same irresponsibility brush doesn't help people feel any more secure in their relationships if everyone is telling them from the beginning that they're gonna fail.

[interrobangings.livejournal.com]

that sounds nice and all but i've been surrounded by nothing but heartbreak and failed marriages all my life so i think i am going to sit here and be miserable and marriage-hating instead

[(Anonymous)]

I'm going to have to disagree with you there. In terms of national average age at marriage (which is getting older) and number of kids (fewer), the trend in the US is going the direction of many people choosing to postpone marriage and family. Whether that will bear out in fewer divorces remains to be seen, although divorce rates also depend on a whole host of other factors (economics, etc.) than just age.

Where you see young and flexible, I see a person who has had minimal experience dealing with adult problems and probably doesn't even know what they really want out of life (all of life, not just a relationship/family). Where you see set in your ways and jaded, I see people who are more likely to be ready to settle down because of career stability and financial security, who are aware of what they want and need in a partner, who have had experience dealing with relationship problems, and who are less likely to throw their entire lives away on a crush that fades in a few years.

Just to throw the other perspective out there.

[wldcatsprstr-14.livejournal.com]

who are less likely to throw their entire lives away on a crush that fades in a few years.


Just because a relationship doesn't last 50 years doesn't mean it's not worth it. This is the attitude that I've seen a lot of people with and it's a big reason why my sister is so unhappy right now. She was always on about how she's "just gonna be divorced in 5 years" and didn't commit to any relationship and now she's regretting it.

I understand what you mean and I totally know that there's a third perspective. But I feel like a lot of people don't give young people and couples the credit they deserve when it comes to relationships. There's just this "young=irresponsible/clueless/flighty" mentality and that's just not fair.

[hikari87.livejournal.com]

"But I feel like a lot of people don't give young people and couples the credit they deserve when it comes to relationships. There's just this "young=irresponsible/clueless/flighty" mentality and that's just not fair."

This. One of my best friends got married when she and her husband were both 18. They're 25 now, have 3 kids and are very stable, happy and in love. From my own experience and things I've seen, I'd say that it's more a matter of maturity than chronological age. Granted there is such a thing as simply being too young, I would personally draw the line at marriage or engagement before you're of legal age, because until you hit legal age, you haven't got as many responsibilities and therefore haven't got as much experience to know how to handle difficult things that come along. But you have a good point with saying that older people tend more to be jaded and go into a relationship assuming it will eventually crumble. That's not the mindset that leads to permanence; it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, since if you assume you're doomed from the start, you won't work as hard to make things work because you don't believe they will.

[(Anonymous)]

I never said divorce means a marriage was not worth it. I meant that lives are easily messed up or ruined (emotionally, future relationship-wise, financially - for both spouses and kids) for some time, if not forever, because of divorce, and divorce frequently happens if people marry before they're truly ready for it or really know their feelings for the other person are real and durable.

Further, just because someone is more cautious in entering a relationship doesn't mean they never will, your sister's experience aside. I want to make sure I go into a marriage with hopefully a really strong chance when I'm ready for it. That's not the same thing as not committing due to fear of failure.

It's definitely not about age, IMO. It's about maturity, life experience, self-awareness, education, self-respect, etc. etc. etc. Unfortunately, all that tends to go hand in hand with age.

[wldcatsprstr-14.livejournal.com]

and divorce frequently happens if people marry before they're truly ready for it or really know their feelings for the other person are real and durable.

And we totally agree on this. But I just don't appreciate those comments that say that people who are young are automatically gonna fail because they're "not ready." I'm only pointing out that older=smarter/more fit in every single case, and vice versa.

The point I disagree on isn't about the waiting until you're ready and being sure that you are. I simply disagree with the idea that "young people" can't possibly be ready because they're "young." I feel like a lot of people think I'm saying that everyone should marry young because it's better than waiting. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that numerical age is no true indicator of maturity and people should stop looking down on people who want to commit to relationships and have children earlier in life than they think is "smart." Marriages will fail but it doesn't make it any easier for them to succeed when everyone is saying from the beginning that they'll fail. Those doomsayers just irk me.

[liyosa.livejournal.com]

Not everyone can or wants to get a relationship when they're young.

Just sayin'.

Why can't we agree that whatever you want, you should do? Nobody should feel pressured into anything.

Also, yay anecdotal evidence. And how many people do you actually know? And what sector of the population is that?

[wldcatsprstr-14.livejournal.com]

You're missing my point if you think we're disagreeing. My point is exactly that each person should be allowed to make the choice that they want. The people I'm upset at are the ones that seem to think "young people" shouldn't be allowed to make the choice to marry because, by virtue of being "young," they're all automatically less fit than "older people" to be ready. I'm upset with the haters that are always putting pressure on people who marry young and spouting doom-filled comments about how stupid they are and how it's never gonna last.

The anecdotal evidence was for those people that automatically think "married young=doomed to fail." I never professed to know everyone. Notice how I qualified that this was in my own experience. But thanks for being snarky about it.

[liyosa.livejournal.com]

There's absolutely no guarantee that getting married older will guarantee you staying together. And not having kids doesn't raise the chance that a couple will stay together. In fact, it's the opposite (I'm speaking in terms of the US).

.... You are basically implying that the older you marry, the more likely you're going to divorce.

You then support it with anecdotal evidence.

The first part of my comment was indeed snarky. The second part, however, is a genuine scepticism on my part on your experience. All experiences are different and viewed under different lenses. In order to prove your statement correct, you're going to have to provide me with some pretty hard statistics. And even then, the truth is probably murkier than what the statistics could imply.

[wldcatsprstr-14.livejournal.com]

I'm not saying that it's causation. I'm just saying that the statistics don't support what people seem to think (marriages involving young people end prematurely more often than not). I was just saying that the causation that people were implying isn't there. In either direction, there's no causation. And then I added the anecdote to show how I've never seen that causation in my personal experience.

At least that's what I meant to say. If I didn't then I fail.

I know that people have different experiences. That's exactly my point. That just saying "Oh young people are stupid for getting married so soon and their marriages are gonna fail" is just ridiculous because people's experiences are different.