fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1763 ]

[ SECRET POST #1763 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1763 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Somebody's been spamming the submissions post with old secrets, apparently (for what actual purpose, I'm not sure). Just give me a heads up and I'll take the repeats down.

Secrets Left to Post: 08 pages, 200 secrets from Secret Submission Post #252.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - omgiknowthem ], [ 1 2 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This is the reason I can't get close to a girl in our group. She's fun, active, single like myself, and we share a lot of interests. But she smokes. I feel like I can't be her friend because if I were to be honest with her I would tell her she's an idiot. So it's either offending her or hiding my true opinion.

....really?

If you truly must, you could just say to her "dude, you're my friend, and because of this I have to say I kinda think you're an idiot for smoking." She'd probably say something like "I like smoking. I know the effects. You're not my mom and I'll do what I want, thanks" and I'm assuming you'd say something like "I know" or "okay" and then it would never come up again

(not being her mom or her doctor, you could always just keep your opinion to yourself, but hey. Hell, maybe she'd say something like "I know. It's stupid. I'm working on cutting down with a mind to quit soon but I could use some help with keeping on track. Wanna motivate me?" My point is, you can definitely BE A GIRL'S FRIEND even though she smokes =/)

I know but it's more complicated than that. She KNOWS it's bad for her but she acts like she has it under control, that she's only smoking a few and at parties, that it doesn't have an effect on her (even though she lost her voice and couldn't stop coughing at one occasion. And her only concern was...she couldn't have another cigarette.) I just can't stand how she's fooling herself while doing harm to her body. Every time she lights up a cigarette and claims it's her first/only one I want to tell her to stop and realize what she's doing.

That does sound like a more reasonable issue, although it seems to be more the insufferable denial rather than the smoking itself.

Are you serious, you're having trouble being her friend because it bothers you that YOU'RE SO RIGHT and SHE'S SO WRONG and ugh she's HURTING herself, I know better!

Look, its good to be concerned about a friend and to criticize their habits once or twice, but then you leave it be - unless you think it would be fair for them to harass you every time you order french fries because omg you know how bad they are and you're totally in denial about how many you eat.

What I'm saying is, unless its fair game to start picking on everyone's bad unhealthy habits and trying to control them and tell them how they could live their lives better/healthier, then drop it. She knows that cigarette is bad like she knows chocolate cake is bad, but she's an adult and can eat the damn cake if she wants.

WTF, chocolate cake is not bad! WTF man. What you fucking got against chocolate cake?

ditto this, bitches.

Last I heard, chocolate cake didn't give you cancer, didn't give the people around you cancer, and didn't make you stink.

yeah, basically this. Friends and relatives will *always* be doing things that you think (or even know) are stupid, but if you just abandon them every time it happens, you're the one who will end up lonely. Smoking isn't any more destructive than heavy drinking, but I'm still friends with my friends who drink a lot.

So it's either offending her or hiding my true opinion.

Why is that so hard? Do you honestly vomit out every thought that comes into your head or consider it dishonest somehow? You don't actually have to tell somebody what you think of them and every one of their life choices. You can just mind your own business.
Or hey, guess what, sometimes you feel you really need to, maybe because you honestly care about the person so much, and you'll be willing to face the consequences to help them. Interventions are typically filled with close friends and family members.
But choosing to avoid a person you'd otherwise be friends with just because they smoke seems really petty.

But choosing to avoid a person you'd otherwise be friends with just because they smoke seems really petty.

nayrt

You sound pretty, actually, for judging her for not being friends with someone who smokes. Smoking is disgusting, smelly not just for the smoker but the smokees around her (everyone stinks after being with a smoker), gives not only herself but the smokees around her lung cancer (second hand smoke is even more dangerous than the inhaled smoke due to not being filtered), and it's been proven to cause lung cancer. How much more stupid can someone get. I don't want to be around someone who smokes and it's my choice and it's not stupid or petty either.

I won't be friends with, much less date, a smoker, until they quit or are trying to. My mother smoked until I was 18. I fuckin' hated it. I reeked of smoke, the house reeked of it, she reeked, everything reeked. Yes, I judge you if you smoke. You're a stupid, idiot loser. And yes, I lost a friend who didn't smoke to lung cancer b/c of his career and jobs exposed to smokers on nightly basis. He was trying to be a professional singer and so took care of himself and his voice. So fuck off with the it's harmless crap.

You sound pretty, actually
Thank you!

But seriously, wow, you sound mad.

Keep in mind that a moral judgment is different from practical decision-making. Taking an example from another comment, if you have asthma you can and should physically distance yourself from smokers but you can totally do so without judging them. You have the right to say "please don't smoke around me" if you fear it is making you sick, because that's your business. Also it's different to work in a place that's constantly filled with smoke versus hanging around a friend for an hour who occasionally has a cigarette, as I highly doubt the latter will give you cancer. In my state, the first has been addressed by banning smoking in pretty much every inside business. Again, it's a legitimate practical concern that can and should be addressed for the safety of everybody involved, but separate from judging people for having a vice you don't approve of.

Secondly, in this case my problem was as much with the attitude of "If I don't say how I feel, it's somehow dishonest." I see this all the time and it's really irritating. It's not considered dishonest to keep some thoughts to yourself; it's considered a pretty basic part of social interaction.
I'll even admit that after

countess_k described the situation more fully in another comment it doesn't really seem as petty, because it can be intellectually and emotionally distressing to be around somebody who is obviously in denial, but it also doesn't mean one necessarily wants to have the responsibility of trying to set the person straight. The original comment really sounded like "this person is totally great and I want to be their friend, except sometimes they smoke and I think that's stupid so I'm writing them off as a moron." Which sounds petty.

The way some of these people come off...it's like, my mom smokes. Should I avoid an d judge her harshly, even hate her, cause she smokes? I disapprove, yes, and I'd love her to stop for health reasons, but I don't avoid her or judge her for it. :/

What? Do you honestly think it's your right or responsibility to tell every person you know exactly what you think of their choices? Why would that be in any way expected? It's freaking rude. I bet your friends don't feel the need to openly approve or disapprove of every action you take in your life. I bet many of them treat you like an actual adult person who is capable of making decisions, even if they don't always agree with you.

For some reason many non-smokers seem to think that they have a right to explain to people how stupid/gross/inconsiderate/unhealthy they are for smoking. Even though those same people don't think they have a right to school people or call them names for any other bad habit, like driving too fast, or drinking alcohol, or eating transfats, or any of the other million-and-one things people do that are bad for them. JFC, grown-ups get to decide to do bad things sometimes, just because we enjoy them. It doesn't make us idiots.

nayrt

You want to know why? Let me explain it to you: it reeks and not only for the smoker but the smokees, it CAUSES CANCER EVEN IN THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU W/DON'T SMOKE, and most of the other actions you cited don't physically harm the people around you w/the exception of speeding and I've heard friends complain about another friend's speeding. YOU EATING TRANSFATS AFFECTS ONLY YOUR HEALTH; IT DOESN'T AFFECT MY PHYSICAL HEALTH (although if you have a heart attack from it, I may be emotionally upset/damaged by that). I DON'T WANT TO SMELL LIKE OR SMELL YOUR DISGUSTING SMOKE. IT REEKS; IT MAKES ME COUGH; AND I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL. Your eating transfats doesn't make me fat or damage my arteries or give me cancer. Can you say that about smoking? I didn't think so since 2nd hand smoke has been proven to cause cancer.

Smoking is disgusting, smelly not just for the smoker but the smokees around her (everyone stinks after being with a smoker), gives not only herself but the smokees around her lung cancer (second hand smoke is even more dangerous than the inhaled smoke due to not being filtered), and it's been proven to cause lung cancer. How much more stupid can someone get. I don't want to be around someone who smokes and it's my choice and it's not stupid or petty either.

I won't be friends with, much less date, a smoker, until they quit or are trying to. My mother smoked until I was 18. I fuckin' hated it. I reeked of smoke, the house reeked of it, she reeked, everything reeked. Yes, I judge you if you smoke. You're a stupid, idiot loser. And yes, I lost a friend who didn't smoke to lung cancer b/c of his career and jobs exposed to smokers on nightly basis. He was trying to be a professional singer and so took care of himself and his voice. So fuck off with the it's harmless crap.

I'm guessing you're the same anon who I replied to downthread, so I'll just repeat myself.

Where I live, it is illegal to smoke indoors. You, as a non-smoker, have no need to go into a designated outdoor smoking area. It doesn't give you cancer to stand inside while I smoke. It doesn't make you smell bad to stand inside while I smoke. It doesn't harm anyone but me when I stand outside and smoke, except other adults who make a grown-up choice to be standing in those areas, and even then, being that it's outside the effects are negligible.

I can say with 100% certainty that I, at least, am really glad that you don't associate with smokers. It saves me the worry that I might ever be forced to be around you in real life.

Different anon. I agree with a lot of what you've said, I'm surprised how judgey people are being in this thread or why they think it's their business what vices people have.

Though I do have to say it's not always so easy to avoid smokers, many people do not obey the indoor laws, and when you live in a city and walk everywhere it is pretty much a constant thing to have smoke blown in your face by other people who are walking in front of you.

I generally don't mind, but it occasionally does make me sick. Especially at concerts indoors where the pot smoke gets really thick and mixes all together even though it's all sorts of not supposed to be there. I just wish in those situations smokers/pot smokers would think about other people, but I just consider them to be inconsiderate people and I don't hold it against all smokers.

Yeah, I completely agree with the no smoking inside thing, and it sucks that people are blatantly breaking the law where you are. I live in a fairly metropolitan place where people are really strict about the smoking ban - there are only one or two "smoke easies" that I know of, and pretty much everybody who goes there does so on purpose to smoke indoors, so nobody else much cares. Honestly, I was really happy when the ban was enacted, because even as a smoker, working all night in a crowded bar left me hoarse and coughing.

As far as the walking down the street thing, I'm sure it does bother some non-smokers when I smoke on the sidewalk, but I'm honestly not too concerned about it. That type of exposure to second-hand smoke isn't going to affect anyone's health, and I see it as one of those minor inconveniences that you just have to deal with in a city. I am allergic to lots of types of perfume, so it bothers me when people wear heavy scents, but I can't really expect them not to for a stranger's convenience. It also bugs me to walk behind someone chatting loudly on a cell phone, but I deal because I know that's never going to stop.

I do sincerely hope you don't drink. Most of what you've said here applies to alcohol as well (substituting in 'obnoxious behaviour' for 'reeking of cig smoke', and 'risk of death by drunk driver' for 'lung cancer')

And the rest of your rant mostly consists of I HATE IT SO IT'S BAD, which is not an argument.

Yeah basically this.

Agreed.

you sound like one of those people who is all "SMOKING IS BAD AND I HATE IT OKAY" and then says "But it's your choice if you want to smoke pot and it shouldn't be illegal and it's actually good for a lot of things." I hate people like that.

Do you also avoid people who occasionally drink?

Wow, so many heated words because I care about my friend and hate to see her kill herself. Did any of you notice I said I don't tell her what I think and that was the problem? Did you perhaps consider the reason I avoided her was because it's too painful to watch and not do anything to save her from lung cancer which she might be heading for?

Lol, my bad, I didn't realize that by saying "I feel like I can't be her friend" you actually meant "we're just such amazingly close friends".

All that everyone else is pointing out is that you should feel the same way about any overweight friends who could be killing themselves with heart disease or heading for diabetes, and about any friends who drink who could be killing themselves with cirrhosis, or who have gotten speeding tickets and could kill themselves or others through reckless behavior. If you are concerned to the point of not being friends with everyone who exhibits any of the aforementioned vices, then you at least aren't being hypocritical. You're still being super judgmental, though, and you're couching it terms of ultimate concern for other people's health, which is *exactly* as annoying and judgmental as someone who runs around yelling at fat people for being in McDonald's.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #1763 ]

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