fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1830 ]

[ SECRET POST #1830 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1830 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Masterchef Australia]

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03.

[Grimm]

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04.

[Cracked.com]

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05.

[Stargate Universe]

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06.

[Skulduggery Pleasant]

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07.

[Young Justice]

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08.

[Chobits]

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09.

[Sailor Moon, Howard Stern]

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10.

[The Wonder Years/How I Met Your Mother]

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11.

[Community]

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12.

[Homestuck]

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13.

[Nutcracker, Motion Picture]

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14.

[David Archuleta]

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15.

[Love Actually]

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16.

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17.

[itskingsleybitch]

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18. [repeat]

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19.

[FFVII]

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20.

[Shake it Up/Bones]

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21.

[Sherlock Series 1]

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22.

[Pokemon]

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23. [repeat]

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24.

[Hatoful Boyfriend]

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25.

[Wonder Woman]

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26.

[James Deen]

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27.

[The Iron Giant]

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28.

[Code Geass]

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29.

[Code Geass]

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30.

[Code Geass]

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31.

[Code Geass]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

32. [SPOILERS for Dead Rising 2: Off The Record]

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33. [SPOILERS for Skyrim]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

34. [TRIGGER WARNING for rape]

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35. [TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of rape]

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36. [TRIGGER WARNING for rape]

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37. [TRIGGER WARNING for rape]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #261.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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36.
http://i.imgur.com/Bt2V3.png

Well. Uh. It was wrong of your friend to convince you to beta something just based on the fact that she should have noticed you were uncomfortable with it. I mean, I'd never ask my friends to beta my (consensual) pron if I wasn't certain they were totally willing to help me out.

I hope you got some catharsis out of telling her, at least. It may not have been so petty if it helped you to deal with what happened to you.

No... that's still pretty fucking petty. Passing your baggage onto somebody else just tends to increase the net average of baggage. She admits she only told her out of spite as opposed to feeling a need to tell her for other, sensible reasons. It may have had some benefit, but probably not outweighing what she put on the friend when the proper response was to refuses the damn fanfiction.

OP, ignore this douchecock. He's friends with F!S' resident rape apologist.

Did LJ eat my comments on this? Sorry if I'm repeating myself then. I'm so sorry OP, that sounds incredibly rough :(

What happened to you was horrible, but I have to say, you sound like an asshole anyway. Being a rape victim is not a get out of jail free card for being a shithead, and I should know.

I'd say the "friend" was the one being a shithead first by pushing the OP into beta-reading something triggering. Even if the friend didn't know OP's history, she should've taken "no" for an answer and found another beta when the OP was reluctant (or at least "pushing" implies to me that OP initially refused and the friend talked her into it; I could be wrong, though).

This might be true, but it's the "holding a grudge for something the friend didn't know was wrong" part that gets me. That's irrational, but it's emotional and hard to control, which is fine. But using their own traumatic experiences to punish someone who, if this secret is anything to go by, is still OP's kinda-friend? Asshole move, regardless of whether their friend pushed them to beta their fic some time ago, possibly even years ago (we have no time frame, after all, but the secret poster does use "back in highschool" for their description.)

Maybe, but I don't really fault the OP for doing so. Because going by the bolded part of the secret, OP wouldn't have done that if the friend hadn't talked her into beta-reading rapefic despite her reluctance. In the OP's shoes, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. If that makes me an asshole in your opinion, oh well. You're a random anonymous on the internet, and I'm not about to lose sleep over what you think.

Then frankly, your kinda weak. Not only because of your apparent ability to hold a senseless grudge, but because you can't say no to others and would feel the need to get "retribution" via some real passive agressive bullshit. As opposed, to, you know, the sensible reaction of "no, I'm not going to beta this."

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2012-01-08 19:44 (UTC) - Expand

No one could blame you for reacting the way you did. It's understandable to feel betrayed because she didn't notice, but would you even have told her if she asked?

One survivor to another, I can't even count how many times I've fantasized about doing the same thing.

If she's writing rapefic, I think there's nothing wrong with her discovering that rape a real, serious thing that happens to people. If she feels guilty, you don't need to feel responsible for it.

If you think that no survivors write rape fic, then you are wrong. And ignorant. Writing about rape after being raped can be extremely healing and cathartic.

God OP, that sounds so hard. And even if it hadn't happened, its a dick move to FORCE someone to beta-read a rape fic. And creepy too. I don't blame you for being mad at her honestly especially given your past. But maybe you should discuss it with her all the same?

I don't get that. You can't be forced to beta a fic. You can say no and then refuse to read it. This whole secret feels really passive aggressive to me, like the OP didn't stand up for herself and blamed her friend for her own weakness. A little bit of honest, grownup communication would have fixed the whole problem.

(And, no, being pressured to beta a fic is not the same as being raped.)

No, you can't be "forced" into beta-reading anything. But you can certainly be guilt-tripped and manipulated into it by "friends" who are too absorbed in their kinks to consider that not everyone will share those kinks or want to read about them. Which is a shitty move on the "friend's" part rather than the OP.

This whole secret feels really passive aggressive to me, like the OP didn't stand up for herself and blamed her friend for her own weakness.

Ah, blaming the victim is such a wonderful stand-by argument, ain't it?

And, no, being pressured to beta a fic is not the same as being raped.

Who here said it was?

Edited 2012-01-07 20:19 (UTC)

It's okay to blame a victim of something when something unrelated is their damn fault.

"Oh no, I have to read this thing I REALLY DON'T WANT TO READ."

I really doubt her friend had a gun to her head. I can appreciate the idea that OP was in a bad place at the time and may not have had a perspective on this, but OP sure as hell has one now, considering they are aware of the reasons they told them now. Petty reasons via their own admission.

OP, no one has the right to judge you for reacting like that. If you needed to tell someone, you clearly needed to tell someone, and your brain just used a bit of (justified, IMO) anger you had been carrying around as a way to get it out.

I assume that when she tried to make you read the fic, she was probably young and not mature enough to know she should have backed off. But you telling her the truth, no matter how hard it was for her, is not even in the same league as what you've been through and what you're still dealing with. So don't place guilt on yourself. You've got a friend who knows your story now, and that could be a good thing; hopefully she's grown up enough to help if you need it.

Huge (consensual, if you want them) hugs to you, I wish you strength and the best of luck.

"Hell yes" to this entire comment. Ignore the one asshole anon in this thread, OP. What you did was in no way wrong or even unjustified. Under the same circumstances, I think many people would've done the same.

Except by her own admission, she didn't tell because she felt compelled to tell a friend the truth, she told as an ATTACK. So honestly, I think her friend would be justified in not being her friend anymore. I have friends who've confessed things to me, but they've never done it in an attempt to HURT me.

SA:

That's horrible and I can't seriously believe you just said that. Seriously? OP has gone through an extremely traumatic event that has affected her for YEARS, and may continue to affect her for the rest of her life. She's never had the courage to reveal it. She has a friend who MADE HER TRAUMA WORSE. Regardless of her friend's intentions, she HURT the OP.

And when the OP lashes out at that friend, you think the friend has the right to just ditch her?

Let's take a different situation. Let's say OP was injured in a hit-and-run accident, and she's never had justice for it. She's still walking on crutches, and in pain every day, and has missed out on things in her life because of what some coward did to her. And one day her friend is running around at her house and completely by accident, knocks out one of her crutches. The friend doesn't even notice, she just keeps barreling around. The OP picks herself up and she's had a long day and she's tired and really mad, both at the friend and the driver who hit her with a car. She shouts at the friend, way more than is justified, and tells her how much pain she's in, and how hard it is, and how horrible hospital was. The friend is upset and tearful, which is only natural. But you know what a good friend would do? Apologise. Not necessarily for knocking her over - maybe she still doesn't realise that was her fault - but just apologise for what happened to her, because a good friend would see that she is angry and in pain for a reason. She needs to hear someone say "this isn't your fault" and "it's okay to be mad about this". It doesn't matter if it isn't all the friend's fault or not. If she's a good friend she has a responsibility to help the OP, and support her in any way she can.

So yeah, I don't know how old you are or if you've ever been in OP's situation, but what you just said was just plain nasty. I hope no friend of yours has to rely on you until you've grown up a bit.

Thank you. This person clearly has NO IDEA opf the seriousness of rape and puts petty 'oh, just be nice to your friends whatever they do' above anything else. Utter dickhead.

(no subject)

dorknessrising.livejournal.com - 2012-01-08 15:20 (UTC) - Expand

Speaking as a survivor, I think you're wrong. What you're saying is "Because Person A inflicted a really terrible hurt on Person B, Person B is justified in deliberately inflicting hurt on Person C, who hurt Person B unintentionally because they did not guess something that Person B deliberately never told them." About the only way you could make that advice worse is advising B that what they suffered at the hands of A entitles them to hurt Person D, a random stranger.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2012-01-09 04:36 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

dorknessrising.livejournal.com - 2012-01-09 04:57 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2012-01-09 11:09 (UTC) - Expand

OP, speaking as a survivor, I want to offer the following distinction:

What you did was perfectly understandable.
What you did was not perfectly okay.

One of the obstacles survivors face is a strain of ostensibly pro-survivor culture which says "Oh my God, sexual assault is such a terrible thing to go through, that anyone who goes through it should be given free rein to do whatever they have to do in reaction to the pain." Why is this an obstacle? Because it's ultimately an illusion. What survivors really need, and deserve, is to be able to go around in society just as normally as they can. Even if they live their whole lives in protected survivor-bubbles, privileged by never having to control their outbursts, it's actually a lonely position to be in.

And what really happens if everyone around you knows that you might go off on them anytime, deliberately hurting them for something they had no idea was hurting you? That's right. People start trying not to be around you.

You went off on your friend because you had a lot of pain; because your friend, without any ill intent but it sounds with a good deal of obliviousness, had compounded that pain; because that pain had had lots of years in which to fester and compound and get worse. What you did was perfectly understandable. We're all human; one of the sad facts of being human is that we all have breaking points, past which we do terrible things just in hopes that it will stop the pain.

But what you did was not the way you want to behave, because, even in the most self-centered analysis, it will drive people away from you, and in a more humane analysis, you are hurting people who never meant you harm. You need to deal with what you went through, both so that it doesn't cause you such constant pain and so that you can handle in a healthier way the pain that you do feel.

How you do that is something you have to choose; I recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy, but whatever is right for you is what you should go for. I also recommend medication as an adjunct to therapy; many people are intensely against that on principle, but I find many of them don't actually understand what a good anti-depressant actually does for you. They think it's a "happy pill" that puts you in a state of artificial joy or numbs you to your "true feelings", and they violently reject that. What a good anti-depressant ("good" meaning the one that's right for your own neuro-chemistry, which unfortunately can take some trial and error to discover) will do for you is to tone down the emotional overreactions that become second nature in a state of long-term depression or anxiety. Much of depression and anxiety is actually a feedback loop; something legitimate may trigger a response of pain or panic, but then the pain or panic triggers a response of "oh, god, I'm going down in this depression again; it's agonizing and devastates me; I can't take it, why does this happen to me" and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. What a good anti-depressant does is introduces enough space into the feedback loop so that, you might feel the feedback loop starting but you have the chance to try and head it off by thinking, "You know? I don't actually have to expose myself to this triggering thing; I can go and look at cat videos instead and that's much better for me than losing the next two days to depression." And when a friend unintentionally does something that hurts you, instead of letting them have it with both barrels, you can say, "I can't believe my friend has never figured out what happened to me, but if I just told her 'look, anything with rape in it is really painful for me to read,' she'd probably understand well enough not to pressure me, and maybe she'd figure out that I have something I need to talk about. I can give her the chance to really be my friend."

There's a saying in the self-help community that sounds pretty facile, but when you get right down to it, is damned good advice: "It's easier to wear slippers than to carpet the world." Along with "easier" I'd add "more rewarding," as it makes more of the world open to you and lets you have closer, stronger friendships.

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