[ SECRET POST #1979 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1979 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Friending Meme if people want to add each other on DW!

Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 115 secrets from Secret Submission Post #283.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Not OP but I just read your post and thank you for that! It's super informative and actually very relevant to my interests and I had a lot of the same issues when I read the book myself because it kept being a bit triggery in the 'oh my god, I know people like this (both anna AND christian) and this is so awkward' way. Even the 'we're together? I WILL CONTROL EVERYTHING' thing

What you said about BDSM being sort of because he has trauma though, I read that as more him being a crappy dom and an asshole BECAUSE of all that, but the BDSM seemed kind of separate to the asshole parts, to me (like I read anna as being surprisingly ok with that but not how christian was being at all of it)

[elialshadowpine]

tw: mention of sexual abuse

Aw, ty... and yeah, it was a little triggery for me to read too because there was so much there that was like past (bad) relationships or like friends of mine have gone through. I seriously want to yelp at some people when they say "Oh well, it's not realistic" about the BDSM, like nobody in the kink community ever does this shit, and no, sorry, it happens and far too often. I have friends who run the security section in their local group that keep a very close eye on anybody new because they have had such issues with bad doms flocking to the newbies.

The BDSM as trauma is gone into the most in the 3rd book. If you only read the first, it's only a little bit touched on. (I was flying cross-country with a three-hour layover. I had time to kill, lemme tell you. -_-) It's very expressly stated that the reason he is into BDSM is because he was traumatized as a child and then sexually abused as a teenager. It is actually something he and Ana work through, because at that point, she is interested in some of the kinky stuff, but he wants to toss it all out because he's associated it with his abuse.

[(Anonymous)]

yes to the far too often thing! I mean ideally that shouldn't happen and I am very ok with kink but people are people and dob or sub can and will fail at things, but this is like not really talked about a lot ): and sometimes it seems like doms are just expected to know things or know best and this is not really good, I feel

I haven't read the 3rd book yet (only just got the 2nd) but from what you said - going into bdsm then associating it then wanting to toss it out, then anna helping him through that, that actually sounds... surprisingly ok in terms of how its treating things, like you can separate out this stuff and all

idk though? I might be wrong here, haha

[elialshadowpine]

Speaking as a switch who has been both sub and dom depending on situation -- yeah, I think that "fail" has to be accounted for, because nobody is perfect all the time, and people fuck up. I've admittedly fucked up. "The dom should know best" is -- hrm. I can see where you're coming from, and I think there should be more support for doms to learn and get experience, but at the same time, a dom does need to know more because they are the one who is getting the emotional and physical safety of their sub put in their hands. It's a huge amount of trust.

But a lot of what I was talking about wasn't just people failing in certain situations, which happens, but people who take advantage of others. :-\

The "BDSM because of abuse" is admittedly a pet peeve of mine, because I get really sick and tired of seeing my lifestyle vilified as something that only happens because of abuse -- and very often, even in books that are otherwise positive portrayals of BDSM, abuse is mentioned as a reason why the character is into it. It gets old. But that's more a complaint in general than this particular book; it was just one more thing that annoyed the heck out of me. ;)