[ SECRET POST #2008 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2008 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 088 secrets from Secret Submission Post #287.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

10. http://i.imgur.com/MvWyZ.png

[(Anonymous)]

Asperger's anon here, and while empathy is difficult, we don't lack it completely.

Way to make the sociopath connection (Which was disproved years ago) we used to have sound right.

[(Anonymous)]

I know, right? I'm...aesthetically challenged? And some of the only people who've been able to look past it and treat me like a human being are autistics, so they make up the majority of my friends. IF that's a lack of empathy then the world needs more sociopaths like that.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm just curious, have you ever gotten a new diagnosis now that you're older? I'm just skeptical of mental illness diagnoses in such young children. The brain can change in such drastic ways.

As for the content of the secret: I don't think there's anything to be forgiven for? I mean, you're not doing anything maliciously or with intent. You've found a nice way to adapt to your situation and make your friends feel cared for.

[(Anonymous)]

This. Empathy is very hit and miss with children.

Also, empathy is a thing that you can consciously work to improve. I don't know if you can make it appear out of nowhere if you don't have it, but if you can, say, feel sorry for a character in a cartoon, or something, that is a form of empathy, and you can use that to work on extending that empathy to other people. It takes years of effort, but it can be done.

[(Anonymous)]

Not to be nitcpicky, but feeling sorry for a character in a cartoon would be sympathy, not empathy. Empathy is when you put yourself in another person's shoes and can understand where they're coming from and what their point of reference is.

[(Anonymous)]

Whoops!

Then I must rectify: Feeling sympathy for a fictional character can be used as a base to develop empathy for real human beings.

[(Anonymous)]

Another Asperger's anon

difficulty empathizing with others =/= unable to feel empathy. Even if you're faking it, the fact that you think it's worth faking in the first place means that you DO feel empathy.

What a lot of people don't realize is that social graces and cues can be a learned skill, they aren't gone forever, just harder for people like us to access. I've made great strides in it over the past few years and chances are you have too and just haven't noticed it.

You have nothing you need to be forgiven for, so don't beat yourself up for it.

[(Anonymous)]

This is a good comment.

[(Anonymous)]

This is true for people without Aspergers as well. I don't have Aspergers but I am really awful at social situations. Over the years I've learned to observe the people around me and pick up cues on how I'm supposed to act and handle different social skills. It's nothing to need an apology for.

[(Anonymous)]

+1

+1

[(Anonymous)]

Yet another Asperger anon.


THIS. 'Lack of empathy' and 'social graces and cues are impossible for those with AS to pick up on' are just a couple of the misconceptions about AS that annoy me most.

[(Anonymous)]

Haibane-Renmei~! ♥

I wonder if it's anything like happiness, where you can trick your brain into believing it if you fake it long enough...

[velvet_mace]

Learning to compensate takes so much time and effort, but it's so fucking worth it. Soooo fucking worth it. Good for you for being able to fake it.

[(Anonymous)]

ADHD anon here. Sometimes I feel so exhausted pretending I want to escape the crowd and shut myself in my room. It's worse when I miss the mark and either overdo it or forget I'm supposed to do it and people think I'm weird or a douche. It's one of the reasons I prefer not to ever have small talk or interact with too many people. It's so hard to know when to be sad, when to be happy, when to gush over their cutesy children, and when just be neutral. I wished there was an invisible sign over their heads that lit up and said, "Now you must show that you feel sorry/happy/incredulous/affectionate/horrified"

[unicornherds]

Waitaminute, this is an ADHD thing? Because I've always thought this is just a I'm-a-weirdo thing, but I am like the poster person for ADHD so if my social fail is related to that...I don't know why but it would make me feel so much better. I mean, I fake it till I make it and I'm doing all right, but it's still hard and would be kind of nice to know it's not just randomly me, but actually part of an already known issue.

[(Anonymous)]

ADHD can very well cause issues with social norms, especially communication. Also, many children with ADHD tend to be ostracized by their peers, creating difficulties in establishing social skills, and without intervention, these social difficulties will persist into adulthood.

In your case, it would depend on which end of the spectrum you are on in order to pinpoint where your social skills are impaired and why. So, yes, social problems can be related to your ADHD.

[unicornherds]

I was kind of ostracized by my peers and had difficulty with social skills etc due to epilepsy as a child, and as an added bonus I didn't get diagnosed with anything until I was an adult and off medication because as a child all of my teachers and doctors liked to just say "well, that's just because she's on medication" to any problems I was having, which did not help.

ANYWAY. So yeah, I have a huge problem with social skills and communication. I just never thought to connect it to the ADHD.

[(Anonymous)]

The best is a combination of "if the roles were inverted, how would I want the other person to react to me?" and "what is the polite thing to do?"

You could look into a book about rules of etiquette and use those to make your own "if person in front of me says/does X, I do/say Y in reply" parameters.

same anon

[(Anonymous)]

It's exhausting and difficult at the beginning, but I've found that over the years you kind of brand it into the "routine" part of your mind and have to think less and less about it every time the situation comes up.

[oroburos69]

Fellow ADHD-er! And yes. Same problem. Practice has made me a lot better at it though--mostly being able to cope with failing in social situations, which I'm 90% certain is almost always in my head. I just got obsessive over the idea of what others must be thinking of me, and forgot that no one cares about a 5 second conversation.

If it helps--it helped me, anyway--figure out your own impressions of people, then judge your own actions against that standard. I ALWAYS assumed that the other people were studying me and taking notes on my every hesitation and mix-up, and adding it to this mental record book of fail, but honestly? I don't do that to other people. And if they do it to me, that's kinda weird on their part, and not my fault.

...yeah, hope that helps.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, I just started to realize that too. Like you, I was constantly vigilant, thinking people were judging me and whispering behind my back about what a weirdo social failure I am. It didn't help that I have an extremely anal, criticizing sister who never fails to point my social missteps. But finally I have decided to let it go and take it easy. If they judge me so be it. Instead of trying to act out the emotions and mimic what they do I'd just show a mild vague thing and they can read it as whatever they want: sorrow, happiness, excitement. I just pretend I'm a subtle person and maybe it'd be enough.

[(Anonymous)]

I've been like this for most of my life, too. I've only recently started to care less and less what people think. I'll just do my best to be polite and nice, and if I fail, I fail. I'll just try again the next day.

[rosehiptea]

Sorry to miss the main point of your secret but I ship it too. (Though I will say I don't see what there is to forgive? But I see where you would identify with Reki's story and she's amazing.)

[(Anonymous)]

the fact that you want to be forgiven shows that you do have some concept of other people's feelings.
people with aspergers are not totally devoid of empathy, they just have difficulty getting into the mindset of other people.
empathy and social skills are things you can learn. it might take a while, but you can do it. :)