fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2059 ]

[ SECRET POST #2059 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2059 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 045 secrets from Secret Submission Post #294.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
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I'm lost.

I'm a 21 year old currently bisexual-identifying woman in a 2+ year relationship with a man and a virgin. I just had a discussion with a friend about sexual frustration and realized I have none.

My relationship is not very touchy, but that's not because of any real physical distance, but because of me. Because, at the moment I don't want any sexual contact, not with him or anybody and I basically shy away from any touch that might turn sexual.

Sometimes I feel like I should leave him for his own good because I'm the worst girlfriend that has ever been, but I really do love him and don't want to hurt him or lose him as a partner. I also don't know how to start a conversation about this without sounding like I don't love him, or like I'm just using him to figure out my sexuality. This is why I don't know what he wants in this relationship. Hell, I don't know what I want in this relationship.

And I just realized... I masturbate, yes, but my fantasies haven't had me, me-stand in or any real people in them since my puberty started, or longer. And then I thought... Maybe I'm asexual? I don't know, is this label really me, or am I just running away from "the issue", what ever that is?

I'm pretty sure I'm not asexual. I'm still a virgin as well but I just have a big bunch of trust issues.

I think I rarely ever had fantasies with me starring in it. Maybe that's because I like pretty kinky stuff, half of which I wouldn't find sexy in real life and imagining me in them would make them uncomfortable. But I don't know, it just has been that way for most of my life.

But you should probably talk to your boyfriend, otherwise you might end up loosing him anyway. He might think you don't really love him if you just reject his touch without any explanation as well.

aces don't feel sexual attraction towards other people, regardless of gender. so if you think this fits you, then it's likely you're asexual.

Obviously no one else can tell you how you should identify, but for what it's worth, I feel the same way you do and am pretty sure I'm asexual.

I'm not a virgin, though. I knew before I did it that I didn't want to have sex, but I felt like there was something wrong with me and like I needed to prove something so I did it anyway with my first serious boyfriend. We did it a handful of times, and it was...ok, I guess, but it really didn't do anything for me and it's not something I have the desire to run out and do again.

I do masturbate occasionally but it's more of a biological/hormonal thing and I don't fantasize or think about anything in particular while I'm doing it.

I do feel kind of pathetic and like a freak sometimes because I'm 27 and have had sex half a dozen times with one person nine years ago and everyone else I know who's my age has had like 5 or more partners by now but it's not something that I have any interest in so I try not to let myself feel bad about it.

I think the only specific definition for asexuality is not having the desire to have sex with other people. Maybe check out AVEN (asexuality.org) and see if the stuff there seems to fit you?

SA

And about the situation with your boyfriend, that's kind of a tough call. After the guy I had sex with, I was in a relationship with a non-asexual guy, and it ended up not working out. I said from the beginning that I didn't think it'd be fair to him and we should just be friends, but he insisted he didn't care and it wouldn't bother him...he ended up getting someone else pregnant, and that was the end of that. Right now I'm really enjoying being single, but I've decided that any future relationship I have has to be with someone who's also asexual. I know other people can make asexual/non-asexual relationships work, but I don't think it's for me.

Why do you identify as bisexual? Have you been sexually attracted to people in the past? Is the lack of sexual attraction maybe a sign of depression or something else, or do you think this is just the way you are?

You really should have an open conversation with your partner about all this. It's only fair to both of you. I mean, maybe he doesn't care that much about sex either if it's been this long and he hasn't brought it up. Or maybe he could help you straighten out your thoughts on the subject.

not OP

It's possible that she's been attracted (just not sexually) to girls as well, in which case I think identifying as bi makes complete sense. I always think of the "-sexual" part of bisexual/heterosexual/etc. as referring to the sex of the person you're interested in, not the actual act. I mean, otherwise I know a ton of "asexual" women (most of whom are married/in relationships, and consider themselves straight, but don't care about/aren't interested in sex).

Okay, this isn't trolling, but... do you care if he has sex or not? If you are honestly worried that it's going to be a problem in the relationship (you haven't been clear what he does or doesn't want that way)... you might just give him a free pass, assuming he wants to take and assuming you could handle that (if you can't, it will absolutely ruin the relationship)

Whoa, don't leave him! You need to be honest and open about this. Don't be afraid to admit that it's a hard topic to bring up. The only way you're going to get anything resolved is by talking to him about it.

Edited 2012-08-23 01:31 (UTC)

Okay, how should I bring this up with him? I can't just call him and tell him: "We need to talk; I'm not dumping you, but you might be dumping me."

I'm clearly confused and IRL I have a habit of rambling when I'm nervous, so I'd rather do this over text, but I don't think that's fair towards him.

No, this is definitely an in-person type of conversation.

Plan it out ahead of time. Write down what you want to say, go over it until you've got the right words and hit all the points you wanted. Take anything out that's self effacing or negative; try to keep on point without any extra rambling or negative self talk. Keep going over it until you're comfortable with what you're going to say, then call or write or text him and schedule a time to talk - maybe let him know that it's going to be a heavy talk so make sure you have plenty of time. DO NOT go with "but you might be dumping me" or any self negative type of "humor".

If you want even bring a paper with what you've prepared just to keep yourself on track and off of rambling.

Good luck!

i suppose you might want to start with asking him how important sex is to him. if he expresses interest in having sex in the future, mention that you don't see that same future for you. i would recommend making sure to add that it's not him that's caused this, it's just how you are for everybody, and that you still love him romantically.

some aces are in open relationships to accommodate non-ace partners. other aces will have sex despite not getting much out of it, also as a way of compromise. but overall if you don't want to have sex, that's the end of that discussion completely. hopefully he'll be okay with this, but if he's not that's understandable too.

It's a hard topic to bring up, and I'm afraid I don't have any easy answers for that. But something you might want to consider is writing a letter. Have the conversation in person, but bring the letter as well and give it to him at the start of the conversation. You can either have him read the letter first, then talk from there, or you can have the talk and tell him to read the letter afterward in case there's anything you forgot to mention because you were nervous.

If I was in your shoes, I'd talk to him (face to face) and just try to explain that you've thought about it and come to the conclusion that sex just doesn't really interest you but that you still care about him and understand that, if sex is important to him, that it might be that you both want different things and maybe it would work out for the better if you were just friends?

Also, please don't feel so pressurised to label or define yourself to anyone. I mean, if it helps you to figure out who you are then sure, go for it, but honestly? There's no hurry and it works out better to go at your own pace and figure yourself out in a way that doesn't make you feel confined to behave in ways dictated to you by a label that you've branded yourself with.

That second paragraph got a bit ranty, sorry! Anyway, all the best and I hope things work out for you. :)

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[ SECRET POST #2059 ]

Asexual or just shy? (Masturbation TMI, maybe)

Re: Asexual or just shy? (Masturbation TMI, maybe)

Re: Asexual or just shy? (Masturbation TMI, maybe)

Re: Asexual or just shy? (Masturbation TMI, maybe)

Re: Asexual or just shy? (Masturbation TMI, maybe)

Re: Asexual or just shy? (Masturbation TMI, maybe)

Re: Asexual or just shy? (Masturbation TMI, maybe)

Re: Asexual or just shy? (Masturbation TMI, maybe)

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