fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2133 ]

[ SECRET POST #2133 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2133 ⌋

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I'm a girl who loves sex. I'm 24 years old as of last week and haven't been a virgin since I was 15. I've had tons of partners and played out a lot of my kinks through the years. I haven't had a problem with getting right down to business within the first or second date with my previous girlfriends and boyfriends because I wasn't ready for anything serious. I didn't want to be tied down in the past because I wasn't ready for a long lasting relationship.

But now that I'm older and found a guy I really like, I want to try having a more committed relationship. But...I really like having sex and don't see the point of waiting when a perfect relationship for me would be having sex while getting to know each other along the way. ...I guess a conversation with my aunt got me thinking that maybe people perceive me as "unworthy" to be the type of girl people would want to settle down with. My aunt doesn't know that I'm not a virgin, but she knows about my current boyfriend and started talking about, "I didn't let my husband touch my breasts until 4 months in the relationship. If you want a man to respect you and commit himself to you, you should wait." I felt really shitty afterwards because I already let this guy feel me up after the third date and loved every minute of it.

But now I'm having a mini freakout that maybe I'll be perceived as just a phase for this guy and not worth having a real relationship with. I'm confused and bummed out. Should I have waited? Is there any possibility that a girl like me can be seen as worth having a real relationship with?

I never got the whole: if you really like someone you should wait to have sex with them thing... But to be honest I don't get the whole love thing either, so I guess I'm not the best to judge that...

I only have this to say, if anyone ever thinks you are not worth it because you have sex too early or often or had too manny partners they are NOT worth it!

I'm of a similar persuasion as you, so here's my advice.

One, don't worry about your aunt. There are people who think like that, but those people are slut-shamers don't deserve a minute of anyone's time. If you love sex and move fast that's wonderful and you should never deny yourself. Society has been repressing women like us for too long.

Two, I came too this issue once before, I met I guy I didn't want to let go, but I knew sticking to one person wouldn't work for me. I told him how I felt, and how I worked, and he understood and and accepted that. So we got into an open relationship and it worked out well. We've been together for three years now, we live together as partners, our relationship is still open and I'm still seeing other guys too.

So, all in all, be true to your nature, you will find people who will accept your sexuality and work with it, and those are partners worth having. Be honest with this guy and yourself, and good luck.

The way I see it, it's really not on you but your boyfriend. If he is over the moon with you as you are with him, then you two sleeping on the first, second or the fortieth date shouldn't matter. He should be crazy about you as a person. If he is not and is in it only for the sex, well, those relationships are doomed even before they start.

Well, I don't think you're too fast, but the people around you might. There's still this stupid belief that women should wait for men to make the first move, that they should not "give in" too fast, or even that women who actually enjoy sex are sluts.

For what it's worth, I was in a four-year relationship with a guy that basically started out as a one-night-stand. None of my or his friends (as far as I know, at least) said anything about one of us not being worthy or not giving us a chance because the relationship started with sex.

I find the best way to deal with these sorts of things is to communicate with your partner. Tell him how you're feeling. Express to him your worries on this matter and see what he has to say.

Because the only people whose opinions matter in your relationship is yours and his. So go see if your opinions match.

Because the only people whose opinions matter in your relationship is yours and his.

Well said, and agreed.

Why don't you tell your boyfriend what you wrote here? I think that being as honest as possible and open about your concerns would be an excellent way to prove to him that you trust him and love him enough to start a long-term relationship. If he turns you down for it, won't that be a sign that he doesn't deserve you?

The two longest relationships I've been in (including my current one) we got physically intimate pretty soon in. Like most things with dating, it's gonna vary from person to person.

I think your best being blunt. "Hey, you know... I really think this could work with us. I want to be serious with you. I hope you feel the same."

That's independent from the sex. Though if you want to be serious and he doesn't feel the same way, a lot more then the sex could be at stake. But I think that's exactly WHY you need to get that out in the open. Probably do that before the sex since your worried that will be an issue.

That said, a girl with a well developed and healthy sexuality is something a lot of guys like so I'm guessing once he knows your full extent of sexual interest he's not going to be so put off by it so much as "oh shit hello there boner" And I think you'll know what to do when that happens.

How about TELL HIM this and make it clear that you're interested in something long-term even though you want to get to the sex quickly, instead of obsessing over what your aunt thinks while not communicating with your boyfriend and worrying silently about whether you're sending him mixed signals? If he's a guy worth keeping, he'll understand as long as you spell it out openly for him.

i think your aunt is coming from a standpoint where people who are super quick to sleep with someone (or sleep around, even) aren't looking for a committed relationship, just a lay. and unfortunately that's true enough that people do make that assumption. i know i would, if someone expressed interest in me despite their promiscuous past. it's not that i would want to take it slow, it's just that their history on top of their behaviour towards me would make me suspicious, you know?

so while i don't agree that waiting is a must, like your aunt implied, i would agree that people seeking committed relationships might be wary of getting into one with somebody who has a history of more or less just sleeping around. i don't think people would think you're "unworthy" though. if you can prove to them that you're serious about a relationship, then i don't see why anybody would turn you down solely for your sexual history.

Ugh. Your aunt is wrong. For herself, and her boundaries, of course her opinion is fitting and cool.

But sex is not a prize. You're not a prize. The idea of earning sex after some arbitrary goal or period of time is stupid. Obviously folk are going to have their assumptions and perceive things about you about this, but why don't you just talk to your boyfriend about this? You want a serious relationship, so isn't communication one of the big things about it?

Anyone who thinks you have no merits because you're "loose" is a toolbag.

Edited (typo. ah fuck. i don't usually edit out typos. just aUGH) 2012-11-05 01:13 (UTC)

You might be "too fast" for some people, but those aren't people you would probably do well in a long-term relationship with anyway.

This is something you should talk to your guy about, not people on the internet.

Some people would see you as "too fast" because not only do people differ a lot in how they feel about sex and intimacy, but a lot of people are judgmental about how other people choose to have sex.

But honestly, would you want to be with someone who didn't respect you over something like this? Or whose own ideas about sex differed so much from yours?

I do agree with the people who have recommended being open with this guy, though. And I don't think having sex soon should be a problem, but I do think it'd be good to try to do non-sexual things that encourage intimacy, as well. If you guys are doing a variety of special things together, I think that will help send a message that you're not just interested in sex.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2133 ]

Am I "too fast" for people?

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