fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2181 ]

[ SECRET POST #2181 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2181 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 100 secrets from Secret Submission Post #312.
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but he won't let me.

I don't know what to do. I don't love him. I try to tell him I can't give him what he wants, but he says you can do this in this comforting voice and says that I need his support and help, and I reached out to him for a relationship in a moment of deep agony and vulnerability, when I needed someone badly, so I can see why he thinks that. But I'm not alone anymore, I'm less of a wreck, and I'm realizing that this commitment I made...

I made it two weeks ago as a rebound. Now he won't let me go.

Run.

He sounds terrifying. Pretty much everything you described is emotional manipulation. Okay maybe he thinks he's 'helping' you, but the fact that he won't actually listen to your opinions is a blaring alarm.

Get out now. Do you have friends or family nearby? Go to them. Find a group of support that doesn't include him. Make sure that you fully explain how you feel and the fact that you two are over then cut loose and run. Avoid him for a couple of weeks, if not longer, until he gets the message. Make a clean break.

It doesn't feel like this is going to work. I'm such an idiot to have done this.

NAYRT

No no, you'll get out of this. You're not an idiot. Find a support group, friends, family, anything, and leave. Pack up and leave without looking back, never let him into your life again. Don't answer when he calls, don't open your door, avoid him completely. If you can, move, go to a different city. If at any point, you're feeling scared and threatened, don't hesitate to go to the police. Get a restraining order if you have to.

Look here, they certainly have some tips:
http://www.safe4all.org/news/item?item_id=41211
http://www.womenslaw.org/index.php

Stay safe.

(Earlier anon)

this is in no way your fault. You thinking it is shows how unhealthy this relationship has gotten- and this kind of thing can happen to anyone- you are not remotely alone in this.

And as for not working? Better to do what's difficult than to keep quiet and spend years regretting.

If you want out, you want out. He's trying to turn you into this fragile dependent being you're not anymore, and that's not healthy. Don't answer his calls, tell your friends you're not together anymore period (in case he tries to get them on his side), cut him off completely.

I hope it'll get better for you. *hugs*

*hugs* Thank you.

He attributes my "growth" to his help and thinks I'll crumble without him. I think he might be genuinely worried about me, but I just keep saying no and he keeps telling me to give him another chance and reconsider.

I don't know why I keep talking about it. You're right. A clean break is the only way I can do this, even though it feels impossible.

You're welcome. Please, stay safe, anon!!!

It is the only way. I assume from how you talk you aren't living with him. this is good. You contact him once. You tell him it's done, not to talk to you, not to come see you.

If he has a key, change the locks if you think he'll stalk you. But do not entertain the idea of anything but exclusion. Anything less is something he'll try to latch onto.

This dude sounds fairly creepy, to be honest. Tell him you're done, you are *not* in love, you don't want to see him anymore. Then *don't see him any more*. Block him from your FB or whatever, take his number off your phone - delete him from your life and if he persists in hounding you, get either friends or family to back you up, or go to the authorities.

Yeesh. Sorry. Might be a slightly over-the-top reaction, but your description of him gives me the heebie-jeebies big time.

Considering anon's description, I'm not entirely sure this is an overreaction. He does sound unstable and potentially dangerous. Break up with him but be careful anon!

I am a little frightened. Um. That's an understatement, really. He owns an AK-47.

Okay...I know there's nothing inherently wrong about owning a firearm, but I don't see any reason why someone would need an AK-47. That's not exactly a hunting rifle...

If your description of him hadn't already been disturbing I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but from the sounds of it he isn't the kind of take 'rejection' well. He's already tried to emotionally manipulate you into staying with him and it's only been two weeks; how much worse would it be later on?

I think the best thing to do is break up with him in an email or text. (If need be, block his number/email or change yours so he can't contact you again.)

You don't know how he'll react or if he'll get violent in person, and even if you break up with him over the phone...he might try to talk you into staying with him again. Hearing his voice might make you feel guilty, which might make it harder to say no and end things. So I wouldn't go there.

And if after breaking up with him he still tries to come around or get in touch with you, makes threatening remarks or won't let up, let someone know. A friend, family, hell, even the police. Better safe than sorry.

Edited (typo) 2012-12-23 01:17 (UTC)

Re: I want to break up with him

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-23 04:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I want to break up with him

elaminator - 2012-12-23 14:43 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I want to break up with him

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-23 14:58 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I want to break up with him

elaminator - 2012-12-23 15:41 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I want to break up with him

insanenoodlyguy - 2012-12-23 08:41 (UTC) - Expand

It's been two weeks and he says he loves me. I thought I'd found something special and now I don't know oh god

Well if it is special, a little time apart won't ruin your lives long-term, will it? Just tell him you're ending it, cut him off and see how you feel in six months time. In the meantime, I'd try not to go anywhere alone if I were you.

Yeah, two weeks is a bit soon plus? Something supposedly 'good' shouldn't cause this much anxiety. Cut him loose.

OP here. I don't know if anyone will see this, but he just told me he'll let our relationship end if I have sex with him. (We haven't yet.) I don't know what to do.

Don't. That's some Class A Manipulative Bullshit right there. Whether or not you have sex with someone should not be so they'll do something for you—it should be because you want to.

That he's pulling this kind of crap on you is an extremely, extremely bad sign. It shows he thinks coercive tactics are all right in the context of sex. Get out before it gets worse.

I've dealt with people like that before and even if you did do it, it likely wouldn't end there, nonnie. That one thing (sleeping with him) would turn into another and another and another, and always with the promise that he'll let you go if you just do this one last thing~. You want to avoid a cycle like that at all costs. And he sounds like epically bad news, from what you've told us. Tell him no and do as the people above said and get out of that toxic relationship as soon as you can and as safely as you can, no matter what he says to try and convince you to stick around.

And if you haven't already, tell several people irl about the situation, so you're not in it alone and they're aware and can keep an eye out or back you up if you need it. Your health, happiness and safety are the top priorities. <3

You don't need to have sex with him to end the relationship. You can just stop seeing him. You don't need him to live. You only need yourself. He sounds like an ass.

Okay, if everything else didn't raise enough red flags, this is definitely your sign to get as much distance between you and him as you possibly can.
Whatever he did to "help" you, he didn't do it for you, he did it because you were vulnerable and he saw someone he could manipulate. Seriously, the normal reaction to "I don't want to be with you anymore" is not "Only if you have sex with me first".

You don't need to get him to agree with you or be happy about it, you just need him to leave you alone. Cut off all contact. You don't need to give him a final "we're over" message because you've already told him that. Don't respond to any of his attempts to contact you. Don't let yourself be drawn back in to a discussion about it. He's trying to turn this into a negotiation. There is no negotiation. You don't need to explain yourself anymore and it doesn't matter whether or not he thinks your reasons are valid.

Uh...it's not up to him. If you want out it's over. Relationships are a two way street. Tell him to suck it up and move on. Ignore him, block him on facebook or any social media site of your choice and delete his phone number from your contacts list.

You aren't a 'mean' or 'bad' person for wanting to end the relationship. No one should guilt trip you into staying if your feelings aren't there any more.

Please get out if you can do so safely. There are people out there who can help. Please post again soon.

*hugs if you want them*

No one can force you to stay with him. Tell him to stop contacting you. Block him online. Don't answer his calls. Enlist a friend to remind you to stay on track if you're tempted. I know this might sound like an overreaction, but if he won't leave you alone after that, call the police. This dude is bad news.

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