fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2192 ]

[ SECRET POST #2192 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2192 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Tales of the Abyss]

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[Merlin, RPS]

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[Lilo & Stitch]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 032 secrets from Secret Submission Post #313.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh lord, where to begin. Let's see your life is not other's lives. Your experiences are not other people's experiences. Your needs for social contact are not other people's needs for social contact. That's nice that you've found what works for you, it will not work for everyone. Stop being so egocentric you can't see that. The OP is not you.

Seriously some people are okay with just talking with people online. Some people will not be happier having to dedicate time, money, and energy to friendships that have no more guarantee of working then online friendships. You know how people up thread are complaining about others saying they need to make more friends, go out, put themselves into situations they don't want. You are doing that. Only you're framing it as, "I was once like you, only I got better. I got friends!"

Some people have deeper relationships then just IMing people and playing online. Some people do care about the people they regularly contact online, sorry you didn't find anyone like that. I realize it's difficult to see past your own experience and realize that other people don't want or need what you do.

Okay, see this, OP?

This is an example of what you don't want to be. Someone who thinks devoting "time, money and energy" to friendships out in the offline world is less fulfilling than talking about fandom on the internet. This is what giving up and getting defensive about it looks like.

This is an unnatural way to live. I don't mean that as a value judgement; it's literally unnatural as the internet's a historically new invention. You can absolutely have plenty of real online friends without ignoring the people you may meet in person.

I "got better" without ditching the internet or my instant messenger account. It's called growing more confident. I did that while being able to count the number of parties I attended in an entire year on one hand. I'm not advocating OP go out and become a frat boy. Just go talk to people.

Edited 2013-01-03 09:33 (UTC)

99% OF WHAT PEOPLE DO THESE DAYS IS UNNATURAL

but hey, if you are so much against unnatural ways to live, you better turn off your computer right now, take off those clothes, don't think about cooking food that sure if unnatural too, and move to some fuckin cave somewhere. Cause, you know. Wouldn't wanna be ~unnatural~

Well no shit. But you can't exactly handwave away in-person human contact.

And again, there's nothing saying you can't have both types of friend.

Listen, i know you like waving your saviour e-dick all over this secret, but maybe you oughta reread it again. The OP has IRL friends. It says so. Right in the secret. You know that line where it says 'outside of school and online/rl fandom, I have no "normal social life". But that's how I prefer it. I have friends, hobbies etc".

They have got friends. And with some/most/all (we don't know) they talk to in real life about fandom. They just aren't into the whole part scene and outdoor activities that a lot of people term as 'normal social life'.

So how about you take you shitty (seriously, unnatural is a bad argument to use in just about any case), condescending unnecessary advice and leave the OP to be happy.

Valid point.

However I think anyone posting anonymously about "e-dicks" doesn't have much of a leg to stand on about condescension. I can be held accountable for what I say. How about you, e-dick?

Fuck this shit. I'm the one with the e-dick in this relationship! Chard has to content herself with the inferior e-clit.

BUT IT'S WONDERFULLY HUGE. Like, Hyena proportions.

My E-dick, of course, rivals Zimmerman. I guarantee it.

To be fair, you are being kind of condescending and not really all that helpful, imo. I think it's good for everyone to have friends, but if a person really doesn't need real life friends to make them happy, then they don't. It would never work for me, or for pretty much anyone I know - even the most of the introverts I know get lonely if they have literally no human contact. But who am I to say that nobody like that exists?

You have good intentions and your original comment did have a point. But you sound like you're being kind of closed-minded. Most people here who actually want a "real" social life would at least be open about it, I think, and say that they're lonely. I've seen that happen many times. What reason does an anon on the Internet have to lie about something like that?

Of course if anyone here really is lonely but maybe just too afraid to meet people, then I hope they find a way to get better on that. I really do. But maybe not everyone who is alone is necessarily lonely. That isn't someone else's call to make.

Anonymous people fibbing on the internet? Never!

I guess the problem is that the "I'm perfectly happy with no physical-space friends, I have the internet" is exactly what I would have said at seventeen while falling into a deep dark depression and the belief that nobody could possibly really like me who'd met me in person, I'm only likable in text, blah blah blah.

The problem with so-called safe spaces on the internet is that they turn into feelings echo-chambers where whatever the OP says is bounced back at them with warm and fuzzy language. "It's okay. Maybe you don't need hugs. Just talk to people about comics some more."

OP, you're getting both sides here. Only you know if you're actually lonely. Maybe this is just something about not liking to party. I hope that's true.

Walden was a book about the value of lots of alone time, but Thoreau still got visitors.

Fair point. I really hope that people who are lonely are able to recognize that and get help, and that people who aren't lonely can continue being happy as they are.

I don't think OP was one of those people without any kind of social life, though, so I'm not sure why you're directing all this directly at them? Didn't they say they had hobbies and friends, they just preferred to spend more of their time alone and not go to big parties?

That's fairly stupid.

I did that for a bit, trying to hang out more with people IRL because at some point I felt I needed to expand my network, both for work and to find friends or at least pals IRL instead of only internet friends who were too far for me to have a drink with.
It never worked out. I always ended up bored or annoyed, and I felt like my time would have been less wasted if I'd spent it doing the same level of over and over.

I did end up finding people I do like to spend time with, quite a bunch of them even... But you know what? All of those people are people I primarily befriended online in one fandom or another. We met IRL because we were at closer physically than former fandom friends, and because we got along well in our online discussions. And we found other activities to share together IRL.

That, in time, turned into a real friendship.

Hanging with people you have nearly nothing in common with, and who aren't curious, leads to nothing.

I don't quite understand what you're getting at here. You met IRL and hang out IRL. It doesn't really matter how you first met, they're friends you actually see now.

Besides, nobody ever said anything about hanging out with people you have nothing in common with. Do you think you can only make decent friends in incredibly targeted circumstances?

I stumbled upon an anime fan in my department. AN ANIME FAN. TO WATCH ANIME WITH. And I didn't have to do a targeted internet search for "hometown anime fans" as if I'm some kind of broken person only capable of hanging out with people who share a fandom with me.

I just talked about things I'm interested in and somebody piped up. This is how things were done before the internet was invented.

Edited (Formatting and clarification) 2013-01-03 20:25 (UTC)

This.

Well aren't you nice and condescending. It's good to know that all you need in order to be happy in life is not to be a "broken person".

You're the perfect example of an extrovert who has no fucking idea why it'd be exhausting for someone to spend time with people you don't know, in a situation they're uncomfortable in, until you find the rare gem that shares an interest with them. Lucky for you someone at your work shares your hobbies, I hope you realize that it's not a universal thing.

Sorry that your 17 yo self had the misfortune of being an awkward extrovert who couldn't manage to make IRL friends (could it be the condescending attitude, I wonder?), but please stop project that on other people.

Did you miss the part where I say I barely go to parties and "going to lunch with somebody" counts as a social life?

Keep on talking to angsty teenagers (literally and in spirit) on the internet. Trying not to be such an ass that you drive people away in person is probably very draining for you.

Why? Because contrary to you I understand that different people have different needs? Sorry that you're incapable of comprehending that you =/= everyone.

Possibly my answer made no sense to you because your comment itself wasn't clear.

Lucky you to have met a fellow spirit in uni. I studied in uni too, worked in different places for 14 years without meeting anyone who shared any of my fandoms (and I'm talking about things as diverse as anime, comics, TV shows or music). Or was even in a fandom the way I see it.

The closer I met were gamer / computer geeks, but who didn't have anything much to say out of work - and weren't interested to hear, either.

Talking about my hobbies only resulted in people thinking I was weird. Some were polite about it, but that was all.

I don't mind much, but it also means I wasn't going to talk at large about said hobbies unless I was asked about it. When some people think you're a snob for something as mundane as visiting museums, or crazy-obsessive for travelling out of town for a gig, you know it's best not to start explaining fan-fiction.

It's only in the last 3 years that I met people at work I could have actual in-depth discussions with, about a variety of subjects. They're not in fandom, but they're tolerant enough and interesting enough that we can get past weather chat. Still, I can count them on one hand.

So making a lot of efforts to talk to people around you will only work if there *are* people around you who are like that, and it's not the case everywhere.
And actually, if people are interesting and open-minded, it's not really an effort to talk with them.

Tl;dr : my point is : if it's a strain and an effort to talk with someone, it's likely that this person will never be a friend. And then you're wasting your time if you go out of your way to hang out with them.
Hang out at the coffee machine at work or speak to while in classes, yeah, sure.
Go out after work? Tried that many times, and quite frankly, no matter how hard I try, I just pretend I don't feel out of place, and wonder if the people around me do enjoy it, because I find it hard to believe.
So I only do it if I think that it will cause me more harm if I don't do it, socially speaking...

I guess you don't realize your luck that people aren't as judgemental about fandoms in your area / environment. But then you are still in uni, and it's still acceptable for a young adult to have "silly" hobbies.

AYRT

You make a lot of unfounded assumptions about me based on the fact that I do not think everyone is the same as me. Or that I know some people do base whether or not they want to do something on how much energy, time, and money it would involve. That includes friendships with people. For some people social situations are draining, that includes just going to dinner or being in a crowd.

(Notice I say some people and the word me and I did not enter that. Guess where I scale on the introvert-extrovert scale. I'll give you a hint, I actually like to party and bar hop. I would go scuba diving every weekend if weather permitted and I had the money. I, however, have been surrounded by introverts my entire life. So I understand how I look at going out and doing things is not how they look at it. It's called empathizing, try it some time.)

You seem to be projecting your own issues from being an insecure teenager onto the OP. See your continued reiteration of, "When I was 17..." and "I know OP might not be lonely, but when I..."

The OP is not 17 year old you.
The introverts of the world are not 17 year old you.
They are not all quietly lonely.
They can be perfectly happy with friends just on the internet, or even just one friend or none.

That's nice that you finally got over your social awkwardness to emerge as the extrovert you always were, or something. Frankly I don't care. Perhaps if I repeat it enough you will understand that everyone does not have your level of need for social interaction. It's not a confidence issue for many introverts, it's the fact they find social interaction draining and/or they don't need as much human contact as extroverts do.

Your advice that the OP do what you did, because of course they just have to go out and make friends, is irritating. Your further replies are condescending. Again stop lacking in empathy and understanding that other people are not you.

As for the unnatural way to live. That is your opinion. Again some people do not want, or need, lots of face time with others. There have always been people like this. The only difference now a days is that more introverts are meeting online rather then living in their homes alone.

Try to understand that not every person in the world feels the need to go out and make friends. Some are okay with having social contact via the internet. You might not agree and think they should fix themselves, but if they are perfectly happy what anyone else wants or thinks does not matter. When it becomes a problem for them, not other people, that's when steps should be taken to help them change.

There is absolutely nothing oddly defensive about this very long response to a secret from the day before yesterday.

There are only two kinds of people. There are introverts, who sit at home alone all day except for the computer, and extroverts, who party all the time and go scuba diving. There is nothing in between. If I like talking to people sometimes, I'm an extrovert full stop.

I am now going to disguise my extended complaining as an appeal to empathy and pretend that's not condescending. Frankly I believe any sort of advice-giving that isn't "whatever you're doing right now is absolutely healthy" is condescending.

Basing advice on your own previous experiences as a human being is like so lame.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

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