[ SECRET POST #2238 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2238 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 097 secrets from Secret Submission Post #320.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Today is my birthday...

[mekkio]

and it has been crummy.

As in "no one gives a flying flip except for me" crummy.

Could someone tell my a corny joke to cheer me up? It doesn't have to dirty just groan worthy cheesy.

Re: Today is my birthday...

[caecilia]

Aww. Happy birthday. ♥

http://youtu.be/nd9XIUy5mY4

Re: Today is my birthday...

[(Anonymous)]

Happy Birthday! How about a knock-knock joke?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

Ba-dum-tish. XDDDDD (That joke works every time, by the way. And it gets the same tolerant reaction groan too.)

Re: Today is my birthday...

[tamabonotchi]

You know, birthdays are intense. They're intense like ice cubes, because ice cubes float around in themselves in liquid form, kinda like floating in their own blood.

You know what else is intense?
Camping.

Re: Today is my birthday...

[dethtoll]

happy birthday <3

Re: Today is my birthday...

[(Anonymous)]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEKKIO.

nursejoy actually beat me to Hank Green, but here are 53 MORE stupid jokes from Hank Green:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTR2tVr2a6A

Re: Today is my birthday...

[thinkatory]

What happened when the carrot died?



There was a huge turnip at the funeral.

Re: Today is my birthday...

[straydog733]

So a good engineer dies, and by mistake, he gets sent to hell. He feels the sweltering hear, sees the towering cliffs, and observes the abject misery of the inhabitants of hell, and decides he can make it better.

A while later, God looks down into hell and sees that it is looking a lot nicer. Air conditioning, elevators, just a lot of modern conveniences to make the experience not so bad. So he does some digging and finds out what happened and goes to confront Satan.

"Satan, you have to send that engineer to heaven. He was a good person in life, he deserves to be in heaven."
"No way, God! He has made things a lot better down here, and I am not letting him go."
"But hell has to be wretched and cruel, or how will sinners be punished?"
"I don't care, I'm keeping him, and there is nothing you can do about it."
"No, I can't take him by force, but I'll...I'll sue you for his soul!"
"Yeah, right. Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"

(My friend is an engineer and my dad is a lawyer, so that one gets pulled out a lot. Sorry your birthday sucked, and hope you feel better.)

Re: Today is my birthday...

[badass_tiger]

Two men walk into a bar. Which is really dumb because the second person should have seen it.

Happy birthday! Even if no one cares, you should still celebrate having lived one more year! Go out and buy some chocolates, or your favourite expensive coffee or something, you deserve it.

Today is my birthday...

[sootyowl]

Happy birthday! Hope it gets better for you.

This is the only joke I know:

There are three old ladies sitting on a bench when a man comes over and flashes them. The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third one couldn't reach.

;D

Re: Today is my birthday...

[forgottenjester]

Happy birthday! I hope your day gets better.



I'm not very good at jokes so here's a funny mime guy. If you don't like that I know this always makes me smile and I found this is cool thing I stumbled upon recently.

Re: Today is my birthday...

[unicornherds]

I don't have a joke, but happy birthday! I'm sorry it's been so crummy.

Re: Today is my birthday...

[othellia]

Happy Birthday! <3

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

Re: Today is my birthday...

[making_excuses]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I only know Swede and Norwegian jokes so, in all its translated glory:

A swede and a Norwegian was talking about space, the swede told the Norwegian that they had a plan to send a spaceship to the sun, and the Norwegian answered "You can't do that, the spacecraft will melt before it gets close." and the swede answered with, "We aren't stupid we will send it at night!"

And:

God and St. Peter where talking and God told St. Peter that he was giving Norway, the fjords, beautiful nature and oil. St. Peter told God that he couldn't be too nice to the Norwegians, and God said: Just wait to see what we have planned as their neighbours.

Oh and:

Question: Why did the Swede bring a car door into the Sahara Desert?

Answer: So he can roll down the window when it gets too hot.

Re: Today is my birthday...

[elaminator]

I also have no jokes, but happy birthday! Sorry it's been so bad. :(

Re: Today is my birthday...

[(Anonymous)]

A frog goes into a bank and walks up to a teller. On her nameplate it says that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack,” says the frog, “I’d like to borrow $30,000 to take a vacation.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief. She asks his name and he says his name is Kermit Jagger. Further, he says his dad is Mick Jagger, and he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. How about this?” He shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Patty is really confused, so she explains that she’ll have to talk with the bank manager. She disappears into a back office.

When she finds the manager she says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who says he knows you. He wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this elephant as collateral. Can you believe it? What IS this elephant supposed to be?”

The bank manager looks at her and says…

“It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Re: Today is my birthday...

[(Anonymous)]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressively thick callus on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him……wait for it…..

A super fragile callused mystic hexed by halitosis.

Re: Today is my birthday...

[(Anonymous)]

:( Anon I know that feeling.
My birthday was two weeks ago but I haven't been able to get any friends to go out with me for it. My roommate promised to buy me a burrito tonight to make up for it but she forgot.
She's at dinner eating but I haven't eaten since yesterday night and depression is telling me to just not eat until tomorrow.

Re: Today is my birthday...

[hwc]

Happy birthday!

On to the jokes. You wanted bad ones, right?


Two pink cows are sitting in a tree. Beneath them, a dog skateboards past the tree. One of the cows shakes her head and says, "The things you see today."



A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, "Why the long face?"




There's a bar on top of a really, really high building and it's very windy outside, so it is swaying back and forth.

A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.

Another guy comes and sits next to him.

The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."

The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.

The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.

At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.

The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, your an asshole when your drunk!" Copied from here because I couldn't quite remember how the joke went.






Two friends die at the same time and go to heaven. At the gates St. Peter warns them, "You can do whatever you want in heaven, but NEVER EVER step on a pink cloud!"

The two guys nod and enter heaven and after a while they come across a huge tree. The friends agree to split up for awhile and explore heaven on their own and to meet up in a year again by this very tree.

After a year the two friends meet up again, but one of them has a hideous, ugly old woman at his side, with thick warts on her long nose, wrinkles as deep as canyons, and half her teeth missing.

The other guy asks, horrified: "Who is that? Why is she following you around?"

The first friend replies with a grimace, "I stepped on a pink cloud."

The two friends talk for a while, but decide to split up again for a year. When they meet up again the other guy has a beautiful, refined looking woman at his side with a smile as bright as the sun.

The first guy asks in awe, "Whatever did you do to deserve this?"

To which the woman replies with a grimace, "I stepped on a pink cloud."


EDIT: One more!


How can you tell that there was an elephant in the fridge? By the footprints in the cheesecake!

Re: Today is my birthday...

[yeahscience]

Happy birthday!

Two atoms are walking down the street when one says, "Oh damn, I lost an electron."

The other one says, "Are you sure?"

The first says, "Yes -- I'm positive!"

Re: Today is my birthday...

[lunabee34]

Happy birthday!

Re: Today is my birthday...

[cassandraoftroy]

Not a joke, but I will offer you these joyous birthday tidings.

Re: Today is my birthday...

[inkdust]

Here's one of the two I know from an odd friend - you have to imagine a funny voice for the duck:

A duck walks into a bar. He declines a drink from the bartender but asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender looks at the duck like he's crazy. "No, I don't have any grapes."
The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next night, the duck goes back to the bar, and asks the bartender again, "Got any grapes?"
Again the bartender, getting annoyed, says "No, I don't have any /grapes/."
The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next night, the duck is back again, and asks again, "Got any grapes?" The bartender slams down his fist and says, "If you ask me /one more time/ if I have any grapes, I'm going to staple your bill to this bar."
The duck calmly thanks him and leaves.

The next night, the duck comes back, and the bartender braces himself. The duck asks, "Got a stapler?"
The bartender blinks at him. "Huh? No, I don't have a stapler."
The duck nods. "Alright. Got any grapes?"

Re: Today is my birthday...

[cloud_riven]

Happy birthday ♥

I hope you have a crumby day by feasting on cakes \8D/

Re: Today is my birthday...

[riddian]

What's brown and sticky? A STICK. :D

Happy birthday!