fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2256 ]

[ SECRET POST #2256 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2256 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[The Most Popular Girls In School]

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[Rust and Bone]

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[My Mad Fat Diary]

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[Sailor Moon]

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[Harvest Moon: A New Beginning]

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[American Horror Story Asylum]

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[Homestuck]

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[DC Comics]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 021 secrets from Secret Submission Post #322.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So, my best friend has identified as a lesbian for pretty much her entire adult life, but recently she admitted to me and some other friends that she has feelings for a guy friend of ours. Aside from me and one other girl, everyone is FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT, and being melodramatic as hell and I just...don't get it. How dare she betray them like that (because it's all about THEM, obviously), she's clearly lying to herself, it's a slap in the face to all lesbians everywhere (yes, one of them actually said that), etc.

The one other girl besides me who isn't freaking out pointed out that sexuality isn't black and white, but everyone else pretty much dismissed her and although no one's said the exact words, I'm getting a definite "bisexuality doesn't exist" vibe from the whole thing and it's really pissing me off since I'm bi and they know this.

And of course I feel horrible for my best friend because the guy she likes is a great guy who I'm pretty sure feels the same way about her, and I'd hate to see her pass up a chance at a great relationship because our friends are acting like idiots.

Ugh.

Tell them all to fuck off.

this

joke answer:

for bonus points, kiss the bi friend and tell them you're bi yourself, giving the finger all the while on your way out

Serious answer:

Tell them that reasonable!friend was right and that sexuality is fluid and that they're all being silly. And if you feel comfortable, tell them that you are bisexual yourself and they're genuinely offending/hurting you by pretending your orientation isn't real. Reaffirm your support to identified-as-a-lesbian!friend and reasonable!friend.

Unfortunately, us kissing wouldn't really accomplish anything other than "prove" their point since we're both female and they're all lesbians who are convinced my friend is just a lesbian in denial.

My friend usually has no problems standing up to people (she generally is not one to back down from confrontation) although for whatever reason she isn't in this case, but I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to fight her battles for her, so I'm trying my best to stay somewhat out of it, but I have a feeling I'm gonna end up going off on them if things go much further.

They know I'm bi, but I'm sure they think I'm also in denial and will eventually realize that I must be a lesbian because of course gay and straight are the only two options in their minds. Part of me's not sure it's even worth it to attempt to tell them how I feel because anytime the subject of sexuality being fluid has come up in the past they've always just rolled their eyes and ignored it, but maybe I'd feel better if I at least tried to say something.

Holy fucksticks, how the shit are her feelings towards someone else a betrayal of them? Unless he's evil! Is he evil and has he said, "OP's friend, your attraction to me is JUST AS PLANNED and NOW YOUR FRIENDS WILL NEVER... never... or they'll HAVE TO... or won't... something... WELL NOW THEY CAN'T ALL THE THINGS" and then your friend is like "I CONCUR" and then SAD LESBIANS EVERYWHERE I GUESS

And have they never questioned their sexualities or known anyone who has? Like what response did they have for "sexuality isn't black and white"? And... erghrawrrrrrr

I dunno, would a handy comic help explain some? (right-to-left)

Sorry, that's a frustrating situation, OP. Hopefully your other friends are able to see what it is they're saying or implying and back off (hugs) :(

sa

Also, as anon above points out, reasonably reiterating the points you've made above to the group of unreasonable friends is aces. Like a slow IV drip of CHECK YOURSELF

That's what I don't get. Her feelings for him have ZERO to do with them. Sure, she's their friend (at least they claim to be friends, although I'm starting to question that at this point) but they're not her, and who she dates really has no bearing on their lives.

They've all known they were gay since they were kids, and she thought she was too and is just now questioning things, so maybe it makes them feel insecure? Like "this happened to her and maybe it could happen to me, too, so maybe I'm not as sure about things as I thought I was" or something like that, I guess. Which to me is not a big deal since I've been questioning pretty much as long as I can remember, but I guess it might freak them out to feel like maybe there's some uncertainty there? (But of course I have no idea what's actually going through their heads so this is all just speculation on my part.)

As for the "sexuality is not black and white" thing, anytime that concept has been brought it up they just dismiss it, like it's something so ridiculous it's not even worth talking about.

The whole thing is just really frustrating me.

ayrt

Ahh, ok. I'm curious if you've ever brought up the self-questioning part to any one of them... I'm bi, too, but I have to admit that ime, the majority of people who have brought up "sexuality is not black and white" (which I do agree on) were thinking of that grayness in terms of being life phases (oh, lots of school girls get a little crush on female friends!) and were hoping I would "eventually choose", specifically heterosexuality. So I have a bit of a kneejerk reaction when it comes up and have to remind myself to listen to the context. No idea if that's what's happening with your friends.

And I think it's not a totally unheard-of experience to have this line of questioning happen in a group of gay friends. Happened to a friend of one of my siblings (but afaik they were more like "Wha? ...Huh. Ok."). And I apologize for my gratuitous comic examples, but the series Dykes to Watch Out For has a lesbian character who, after finding herself interested in a man, has to figure out how this fits in with her identity, with the attendant criticisms/acceptances/etc from others, eventually deciding on "bisexual lesbian" -- an arc about which the author writes was her "barely keep[ing] up" with different lesbian self-identities but which she saw and wanted to address.

...Forgot about it until now, but there's even a strip where two of that character's friends talk about the feeling of betrayal (can't find the strip online and don't have a way to get it online atm); one argues that she feels left in the lurch because the friend will get approval and support from everyone else in the world in the new relationship that they won't necessarily ever get themselves, and just how different her life will be. More speculation, I realize... I don't know if these are the sorts of things you want to ask any of the non-supportive friends about, to understand what's going on, or if these are even possibly in the ballpark.

Hang in there :(

Holy fucksticks, how the shit are her feelings towards someone else a betrayal of them? And have they never questioned their sexualities or known anyone who has? Like what response did they have for "sexuality isn't black and white"?

OP knows these people best, but maybe they're the kind of radfems who think that "if bisexual women had an ounce of sexual politics, they would stop sleeping with men."

Sauce (http://ontd-political.livejournal.com/9742438.html)

That really sucks. I think the best thing you can do is to show support for your friend and keep being a good friend to her.

I would try to speak up if you can. It may not change their minds, but it will probably make you feel better, and your friend would probably appreciate it. I would say that the reasonable friend is right, they're being disrespectful, and that the way they're reacting to your friend's bisexuality also makes you question their respect for you. Be firm.

Good luck.

Thanks.

You mentioning them being disrespectful actually confused me for a second and made me go back and reread at my original post because I didn't think I'd mentioned it, but that's actually something they've accused HER of being towards them for daring to have romantic feelings for a man. But you're right, they're being disrespectful to her (and by extension, me) by not even acknowledging that her feelings could possibly be real/valid.

I know I probably need to say something, even if just for my own peace of mind, but I have a feeling the whole thing is going to blow up and I'm not sure we'll even end up friends at the end of it (well, Now Questioning Friend and Reasonable Friend and I will, I'm sure, but I don't know about the others) and I'm just sort of dreading it. I guess I need to just do it, though. They probably aren't people I (or they) need as friends anyway, I guess, if they're going to act like this.

It's a tough situation, and it's possible you won't end up being able to preserve your friendships with everyone, even if you don't write these people off completely. That's why I think it's important to show loyalty to your questioning friend (and the reasonable one). If a rift does occur, whose friendship is most important to you?

This makes me so fucking angry I can't even.

I don't understand, will NEVER UNDERSTAND, why people are so invested in other people's sexualities fitting into nice little boxes. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND why people who are supposed to be open-minded can do this. It causes so much bullshit.

I've said it before here, but sex, love and desire are fucking complicated. They interact, they flow, they're just a bunch of fucking neurons firing at each other. People make decisions about who they want to date/fuck for a whole fucking lot of reasons, none of which they are obligated to explain to you. Labels are just a convenience.

So yeah anon, I feel you. Be strong :(

Because you can't fucking change your class without consulting the DM!

People make decisions about who they want to date/fuck for a whole fucking lot of reasons, none of which they are obligated to explain to you. Labels are just a convenience.

Exactly. I just can't comprehend how people can possibly care SO FUCKING MUCH who someone else wants to go out with and/or sleep with or what labels they want to use. Like you said, it's complicated, and unless YOU (general you) are dating/fucking them, I don't get how or why it would affect you, or why you would care.

Just...grrrr.

Man are your friends being gross assholes. It might already suck knowing something they identified as as may not be the surest thing without these jerks exacerbating it. I sometimes forgot you're only allowed to be bisexual if you have the gayer preference BAH

I sometimes forgot you're only allowed to be bisexual if you have the gayer preference BAH

Yep! The ONLY time it's acceptable to be bi in their book is if you're a teenager and and then they will condescendingly tell you that you're just confused and will eventually realize that you're actually 100% gay because bisexuality is just a step in accepting your true lesbianism. Or something.

Man, thinking back over all the shit they believe/have said over the years in this thread, I'm really wondering how we've been friends all this time.

Question: how old are you guys?

Most of us are in our mid to late 20s, but a couple of them are early to mid 30s. More than old enough in my opinion for them to realize that things are more complicated than they're trying to make them, but if you're still questioning past 22 or so then you're obviously in denial/lying to yourself, according to them.

Not sure which direction you were going with this, but you are never too young or too old to be obsessed with the genitalia of your friends' romantic partners.

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[ SECRET POST #2256 ]

Best friend/bisexuality drama

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