fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2346 ]

[ SECRET POST #2346 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2346 ⌋

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This is one of the several reasons I'm dreading having to get married one day.

I mean commitment and legal rights are going to be awesome to have someday but there's just so much bullshit involved.

Why do you HAVE to get married one day?

Signing a piece of paper means you can use each others' health insurance, file taxes jointly, and make sure your partner has visitation and decision powers in case you get incapacitated. I also like the idea of being married. Really the problem is the process.

See, if you sign that piece of paper without an accompanying ceremony your family gets upset. They feel as if you slighted them. this is particularly true if you're like me and have been vocal about how much you don't like all this wedding crap while they argue that they love it. And even if you're lucky enough to have a family that doesn't much care, your spouse probably won't. I mean your family might say they're fine with it but the people who love you might still be hurt. And saying "fuck my family, I do what I want" tends to be incredibly childish when your family has been good to you.

Edit: I'm not saying there's anything wrong with weddings! Though I hate the wedding industry. The problem is pressure to do it when you really would rather skip straight to a honeymoon.

Edited 2013-06-06 01:54 (UTC)

can't you invite them to the paper singing and then have a little reunion or something?

that could be a compromise

I don't know. Do paper signings usually take place in a church with vows while you're wearing a white dress? Because I think that's the only way I could swing that.

Also we call the reunion a "reception."

Edited 2013-06-06 01:57 (UTC)

vov up to you then

Don't quote me on this but I think you can make a nice show of the signing of the paper-- when my parents got legally married my mom was wearing a nice evening white dress and there were the closest family members there to cheer (not just witness)and then they made a celebration at a restaurant. I'm pretty sure there are vows involved too. I think legal marriage services* allow people to get creative about them even if you just go to an office or something.

*english really isn't my first language, I don't know the right terms for this, sorry.

I'm not saying this is universal pressure, just a sort of pressure American girls my age get put under.

Also, saying your parents getting "legally married" makes it sound like they're older? It's a little bit different at that point.

You could have a 'court room wedding' - which basically skips a lot of the wedding pomp, but still can have a white dress and other little [and very easy to put up/take down] fixtures.

Or you could do a metaphorical 'Screw you, this is what we're doing' and let the cards fall where they may. That's what my ex-fiance and I did [the engagement fell apart do to other reasons.]

I've known lots of people who had very nice non-religious wedding ceremonies with lots of guests.

So do it at the city hall, in a nice white dress, and have a reception afterward with photo ops and cake and whatnot. You're not actually obliged to 'please' your family just because they've been 'nice' - if they *are* actually nice, they'll understand and celebrate your day.

If they're not, well - they'll come around eventually. Don't make yourself miserable and broke to please other people.

Weddings are a waste of time, I skipped that and did the courthouse thing. I spent $300 on a Betsey Johnson dress (black lace) that I wanted anyway

We got married mostly for financial and legal reasons and WHOO marriage (being in a relationship prior to that, too) helped me escape poverty, because of the extra income. It's sad to think how hard it would be for me to live alone otherwise, how difficult it would've been to finish college without sharing income with another person

I got married for the things like health insurance, joint taxes, etc. If we could have done those things without getting married, we would have.

I hate weddings. Planning mine was a total nightmare and ultimately I was going to end up with my mom's dream wedding instead of something my husband or I could tolerate. Our work situation meant we had to get married immediately or his company was going to move him really far away from me, so we had a courthouse marriage and planned to have a regular wedding later. But it was such a nightmare and everyone figured that it didn't matter if they came or not because we were already married, so we finally just cancelled. I'm relieved to have escaped the nightmare that it had all become, but still a little bitter about not getting my dream wedding. My dream wedding isn't anything expensive or lavish and we could have done the whole thing for less than $1000. It was meeting family demands that was making it unbearably stressful and ridiculously expensive.

Eh. When you hit somewhere in a five-year interval have a vow renewal. You'll probably find people more receptive that way.

We passed five last year but couldn't do it because of work. Maybe we'll get lucky for our ten year anniversary.

You could always go the route my sister did - sign the paper and then just have a big family party. No wedding no fuss, family still gets the celebration and you can even throw in a bit of "ceremony" with the first dance, dinner, speeches if you really want.

A lot of families these days aren't so rigid with the whole wedding thing. Obviously some still are but still.

And I really dont' think it's childish to have a wedding or celebration in your own way. Part of being an adult is standing up to your family and standing for your own beliefs, whatever those may be. And part of being a mature and loving family is supporting those beliefs.

Part of being an adult is also sometimes shutting up and going along with things because you really love other people.

I mean at the end of the day this would be having a party thrown for me and someone I love that is inconvenient. That isn't exactly a huge sacrifice.

I think you guys think a church wedding + reception is somehow against my beliefs rather than merely annoying to me.

well, your initial comment and the few following it were very ambiguous on your reasons for dreading it

different anon

"Part of being an adult is also sometimes shutting up and going along with things because you really love other people."

Sure, there's a time and place for that, but YOUR wedding shouldn't have to be one of them. If you honestly don't care either way and doing it in a way that makes your family happy would make YOU happy, then great, but you shouldn't feel obligated.

Sure, there's a time and place for that, but YOUR wedding shouldn't have to be one of them.

See, this is an issue. We're still building up the wedding to be some kind of hugely important event. As if it would somehow be devastating to not have precisely the wedding I want. It's not like I'm an atheist being forced to genuflect.

Weddings are all about obligation. That is why they exist in the first place. Hell, that's why marriage exists. And I'm going to gripe about it. But a wedding wouldn't exactly ruin my life, here. I'm sorry my annoyance and dread of wearing a fancy dress and getting pictures taken got misconstrued as something much worse.

I stand by my statements that the wedding industry sucks, though.

Edited 2013-06-06 20:41 (UTC)

If your family expects you to have a proper wedding and you want to give that to them, that's great! But weddings can be expensive, time-consuming, elaborate affairs, and I don't think it's inherent selfish or un-adult to not have one just to please family members. Especially if you don't have anyone to help foot the bill and you have to do it yourself. It's kind of silly to put yourself in debt over something you don't even really want in the first place, just to prevent family members being disappointed. A lot of people are perfectly fine with small/no-formal ceremony and just skipping to the reception, anyway.

Sounds like they just want a free party. Tell them if they want you to have a ceremony then they can pay for it. Honestly, I hate the idea of weddings. Why waste so much money on a damn party when you can put that towards a house, or car, or something you'll need? Maybe your honeymoon, who knows! It's such a waste.

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[ SECRET POST #2346 ]

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