fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2380 ]

Dreamwidth helpfully tells me that it's been six months since I've actually logged in to leave a comment. But I wanted to vent a little bit, and this is the best place I know to do it. And the topics, while they don't always make me feel good, are ones that I decided long ago not to let shame me into anonymity. So, I present a small novel in the replies so it will eventually collapse:

Today, I walked out of four stores (K-Mart, Target, Sears, JCPenny) and was near tears at two of them. I hate being so fat that it's damned hard to find new clothes that aren't some variation of smock, frock, or super-casual wear. We're doing a group picture at work tomorrow. Professional dress. About as professional as I can get is one of two cotton/jersey type pullovers that look like you've layered a button down shirt with a light sweater and turned up the sleeves. (I've got some button down shirts as well, but they don't actually fit anymore.) And don't get wrong, I *love* those shirts -- well, the coral-colored one that's a little more fitted; the on the black one, the undershirt sometimes feels like the collar is splayed out all cape-like behind me -- but I'd call them business casual at best. Maybe I just have a really skewed view of what professional wear for women is (in a newsroom setting, but I don't deal with the public, hence the lack of professional wear).

It doesn't help that my tastes lean more toward men's fashion. I'm not trans. I'm not nongendered or both-gendered or whatever the hell other box exists for nonbinary -- I'm just a girl (I suppose woman is the term that will keep a certain sect of people from going apeshit) who wishes more clothes like men's clothes existed for women. Especially fat women. Because I did actually see a three-piece suit in the women's department a couple weeks ago that I absolutely fell in love with. But it was for someone about 1/3 my size. Probably more like 1/4 my size.

And all of this just makes me think back to a year ago. And similar points every year for many years past, where I said "Okay, now's the time to start making changes! Small, sustainable changes that snowball on each other as I lose weight and get healthy! I've got 5/4/3/2/1 year to 30!" And those "small sustainable snowballing changes" would last for maybe a month or two and then I'd get to a point 9 or 10 months down the line where I realize just how far along I'd be towards a more reasonable size if I had just kept going and I want to cry. And now I can look at a calendar and see that in 3 months I'll be 31. And look at me. What have I done? I've done squat. I've put on more weight than I've taken off. In five years I've come painfully close to 250 pounds more times than I like to think about.

And I didn't have grand goals from last year. I was about 245 last year when I said I wanted to put 230 behind me. And I got really close a couple times. Hell, one scale that I think was less than accurate even weighed me at 229. Now? Last I checked, I'm wavering around between 245-247 and hating myself when I can't find clothes that fit and look good and suit me.

You know what I need? You know when I felt the absolute best about myself? In high school gym. Because sure, I was always the fat one, I was never as skilled as a lot of the other people (especially the third year when it was an elective and not a requirement), but it was regular activity. We stretched, we did pushups and crunches and ran around and then we played games. And I always felt good, because I could see improvement and there were always some lazy-ass girls who just meandered around who I could look good next to (even if they were skinny -- it felt good to be working harder).

Then I got to college, put on a lot of weight my freshman year, but in my sophomore year I got down to 201 and I was so happy, and so sure I'd keep going, but that's easy to maintain when you've got a treadmill in your dorm building and somebody else is making your food. It's less easy when all that goes away.

For awhile, I thought I was on to an idea. Inspired by Nerd Fitness I kind of built a little RPG blog where I got XP for cooking at home or doing so many minutes of exercise or cleaning and even for cultural/entertainment things like books and movies. And after so many points I'd level up. It was kind of like Elder Scrolls for real life. And I had ideas of making it a community with some sort of goal-related quests and challenges we could do. None of that ever materialized (I think I got too lofty with it), and I later realized that Fitocracy was pretty much it but more high-tech. But then I was just so bitter at fitocracy's existence that I gave up on all of it.

And here I am, writing an opus about my feels instead of actually doing anything. Maybe, because it's the end of the day and I feel gross and tomorrow is "picture day" and I'm pretty sure I'm just going to be a mess who doesn't want to do anything real, and then it's back to work for a week (and then it's visiting family the following "weekend"), I'll take this time to retool the RPG and set up a schedule/time budget or something.

If I do that, does anyone want to play with me? OR help me swallow my bitterness and do the easier thing of making a fitocracy group?

I'm in a similar spot, birthday coming up, what am I doing sitting here not making things better...? I tried HabitRPG for a while (I think someone in FS linked it), but the website glitches so often it was impossible for me to keep track of anything I was doing. I considered trying to start my own... No idea how though.

Yeah, same here. I tried getting new bras today that weren't sports, and god. My breasts aren't shaped like normal breasts. They're really saggy/pendulous(?), so I just could not fit them into anything. I might need a bigger size, I guess, but all the tutorials and whatnot say the under bit has to go at the root of your breasts. But...they're pendulous, so I don't even know how that is possible!

Oh, and I saw some really nice looking sleepwear, and they didn't have any in a size 26. /Sadface

I've got the same kind of breast shape combined with a large size, and the only thing that keeps the underwire secure against the root of my breasts is a band that's strong and snug as a motherfucker combined with cups that are big enough. The problem is, though, the bigger the cupsize, the harder it is to find a snug band. A lot of non-sports bras seem built like they're superficial coverage instead of actual support.

Lift them up and measure under them, where your ribcage is. That's your band size. And when you try on the bra, bend over and stick our hands down inside the cup and drag your breats up and smoosh them around and tuck them into the cups. If they spill out, you need a bigger cup. If the band is so tight it hurts/sinks in/is pulling up in back, get the next band size up. Bra sizes are fucked and *wrong* and the bend-swoop is a good thing.

Read this - it's really helpful. Good luck!
http://sameatschildren.tumblr.com/post/45962915522/do-it-now-guide-to-proper-bra-fit-and-measuring

You know what's even cooler? Being a size 28 and having small breasts.

I only ever have one bra that usually cuts into my sides and stings like a bitch at the end of the day. Not by choice.

:|

Re: On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

(Anonymous) - 2013-07-10 05:30 (UTC) - Expand

Pendulous breasts are not saggy, as most believe. Depending on the age and use/abuse of the tissue, we still have full elasticity of the tendons. The simplest explanation is that there is a lack of fatty tissue around the mammary glands, resulting in the elongated vs. rounded "perky" shape we associate with "normal" breasts.

http://tinyurl.com/sizingbras via ABraThatFits Reddit
"Note: If you have pendulous breasts you may wish to take two measurements and average them. You can measure yourself once in the hanging position, then once in the standing position and average the two numbers." This will give you a more accurate cup size.

Yes to everything in this post. Goodness can I identify with all of this. I don't have the energy right now to really go into it but yes yes a thousand times yes know that you are not alone.

I don't know about fitocracy or an rpg thing but I think at this point I might try anything. I would love a group (or just one person even) to be a sort of "fitness buddy" - someone to chat with and challenge me and help keep me going. So if you set up a DW group or anything, I'd be down for that.

(I'm not signed in right now but if you want I could PM you later about this.)

There's

exercise_every_day here on DW. It's a great space, very low-pressure.

On clothing, have you tried stopping into a men's Big & Tall type store? They might have clothes that fit, and no one said professional clothing had to be specifically made for women.

Or maybe Macy's?

http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/jm-collection-plus-size-top-long-sleeve-roll-tab-shirt?ID=842033
http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/alfani-plus-size-top-short-sleeve-utility-shirt?ID=842033

I know none of this would help for tomorrow, but maybe later

Sharing my own fitness woes story:

Awhile ago I sort of maybe a little bit had an eating disorder. There was calorie counting and a few binge/purge episodes and general unhealthy ideas floating around. I found a forum with other people who thought like I did, but instead of dragging me down further it actually helped me get a handle on things and focus on more healthy weightloss methods. It wasn't 100% healthy, but it was a support group where I could be myself and talk about the crazy and have people encourage healthy ways. We would even have "healthy competitions" where we would need to keep calorie counts above and below a certain level, eat healthy foods and exercise in a healthy manner. It sounds messed up, but that forum was the only time in my life where I actually started to lose weight and feel okay about my body.

Then, as happens on the internet, the forum slowed down, people stopped posting as much, we started to drift apart, and eventually the website disappeared.

Over the years I've gone up and down in weight but the past two years I've only gone steadily up. Now I have no idea what to do. I don't know what's considered healthy thinking when it comes to food, weight, and body image. I don't really have anyone irl to talk to about this and feel so alone and depressed about it all.

TL;DR - I wish there was some sort of small forum or group of people I could go to that would motivate, support, encourage me and I could do the same for them.

I am in the midst of making one.

Edited 2013-07-10 00:22 (UTC)

I hear you. I have fairly large breasts. Finding bras is a nightmare unless I'm online. Buying clothes is also really hard for me, because in one size it will be way too tight in the bust area, and in another size the rest will be too big.

I can also relate with trying to lose weight; I was working on it, and it was going well... and then I broke my ankle really badly. In theory everything's better, but it still hurts after a little too much exercise and I get tired standing a lot easier.

But I'll totally do this with you, when you set this up. I really need to get more in shape.

... and then I broke my ankle really badly.

That is when my weight went up. (Well, to be fair, that is also when I was in the middle of going to grad school for my masters and working full time at the same time, so my eating wasn't as good as it could be either.) I stepped on a tennis ball when I went up to make a volley at a tennis lesson and I fucked up my ankle so badly. Almost 10 years later, and it still hasn't healed completely and causes me issues. Sigh...

getting fit and eating clean sucks. It doesn't help that last time I tried I instantly and mysteriously GAINED a kilo. >.<

also I live in Asia. Their biggest size is usually a US size 10, and after that is 'free size' which is the biggest fucking one size fits all lie I have ever encountered.

Re: On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

thene - 2013-07-10 03:26 (UTC) - Expand

In case you're interested, in the past I've had decent luck finding nice plus- size clothing at Catherine's, Belk and Dillard's. I've also had very good luck with J.C.Penny's but only when the store is in or very near the predominantly African-American part of town.

fandomfitness

I hope the name isn't misleading (or if it is, the bio clears it up). My thoughts were 1. we all met, perhaps indirectly, through fandoms, by being here, and 2. we can maybe kind of try to make being healthier a fandom of our own, not just this thing hanging over us.

And, okay, I know there are some movies that, after I've watched them, I feel like I could go run a mile and kick some ass along the way (I totally can't, but I feel that way) and we could have theme posts every now and again that deal with relating fan-ishness to fitness, whether it's by the above or if there are recipes inspired by films (I know of one YouTube channel where that's what they do, and they made an "Iron Man" green drink, so maybe things like that too.

Re: MAY I PRESENT:

yeranonnyharry - 2013-07-10 03:01 (UTC) - Expand

I totally understand about motivation. I need to get up and *move* and it's just.... Hard. If i could afford to go to a gym, i'd exercise, because no way would i waste the money. Or if i had a friend to exercise with, because i don't like to let people down.

But on my own? Meh.

Re: On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

thene - 2013-07-10 03:29 (UTC) - Expand

Re: On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

tabaqui - 2013-07-10 03:34 (UTC) - Expand

Re: On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

thene - 2013-07-10 04:05 (UTC) - Expand

Re: On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

tabaqui - 2013-07-10 04:30 (UTC) - Expand

Preaching to the choir here. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and shopping for clothes makes me want to set everyone on fire. I swear some ninjas crept along one night and absconded with all the plus-size women's cargoes in the world. I'd love to just wear men's clothes, but I've got substantial T&A and manstuff is not fond of those things. Also those same ninjas seem to have replaced all women's clothing with cheap thin polyester while leaving all the sturdy cotton for men. Fucking ninjas.

When you can't find clothes at -Walmart-, you know you've hit rock bottom.

I've been there for, oh, six-ish years now.

Seriously, your post could have been written by me. Replace 250 with 350 and yep, that's me. The best part is going to the doctor and the scale doesn't go high enough and I have to step off with an embarrassed laugh while the nurse tries to hide her disgust.

When I was in high school, I wavered between 160 and 180 and thought I was a monster. I'd kill to get back there now.

I don't know what's wrong. I don't eat like a pig. I don't eat horrible stuff. Sure, I eat fast food maaaybe once or twice a week, but the rest of the time is home meals, yummy veggies, all the good shit. I stopped drinking sodas and drink unsweetened tea and water. And where's my weight OH YEAH right where it's been for the last six years. 347. Thanks a fucking lot, body. It's pretty hard to convince yourself that giving up and binging on cake isn't worth it.

I hate clothes shopping. I put it off as absolutely long as I can because it usually ends in me crying and feeling like I'm sub-human. Seriously, every other skinny woman gets four sections of the store and I get a half of one that's half-full of crap that's just bigger versions of shit that looks ridiculous on -skinny- girls? I wear my clothes until they're shrunk too far (usually become too short to cover my gut comfortably) or go threadbare. I go through a pair of jeans maybe once every 3-4 months cause my fatass thighs rub a hole between my legs. I have to carefully wash my clothes or they shrink to where they're useless. One time I gathered up all my clothes and went to wash them, and the roommate put them in the dryer without me knowing or having the chance to warn him not to. I was in tears because I thought my entire wardrobe was ruined beyond repair. I managed to reclaim some of it but not all of it.

Anyway, I've found some luck shopping at Lane Bryant. I wear their jeans now because they last about 1.5 months longer than the usual Walmart brands, who don't seem to even carry my size anymore. I just hate how everything in even Lane Bryant is designed for "plump". Anyone can look good with plump. Someone make clothes that make me actually look and feel like a worthy human being instead of a sack of fatty flesh with gross lumps and stretched-out patterns everywhere.

Anyway, I hope you get yourself out of this pit, OP. Maybe you can toss down a rope when you get there, cause it's been a fucking long time since I saw the sun.

Well I've never really cared that much about clothes, but I get the weight frustration (yesterday was my 42nd birthday and I last weighed in at 237. Bleh.)

The only thing I can offer you is one one strategy that's worked for me without fail, at least for long periods of time until I was forced to change circumstances: get yourself into situations where you have no choice but to move a lot.

Which could mean a retail or service job where you're constantly on the run, working someplace close to home and walking there and back every day, escorting someone else to work or school or a nearby grocery store--something that requires a commitment you CAN'T easily blow off, and neither can anyone else who might be in it with you in some capacity. Needing to get someplace and then get home, or to earn a living, or having somebody else depending on you for critical things, is the only foolproof form of continual exercise motivation I know of.

I can totally empathize with both the size and style frustrations.

http://tomboytailors.com
Can't tell what they have based on the site, but they have a store in San Fran. Since the stores you mentioned are all in the States, figured I'd throw this one out.

http://www.saintharridan.com/index.html
Appears to only be online, but they have the best sizing guide and tutorial I have EVER seen. Even if you don't use them for suits, I would bookmark the sizing guide for future reference. (And get a friend to help - it's really tough reading measurements you take yourself!)

http://fourteenstyle.com
Formal wear, though talk of broadening their horizons (including swimwear), given business success.

I know most of these places say their customers are lesbian women/transmen, but for anyone who wants a quality suit built for a women, these are the places to go. I especially like Saint Harridan.

On the downside, they're more expensive than JC Penny, etc. A lot more expensive. It'd be going to Buy A Suit vs. something off the rack; but still less than something measured, cut, and finished *for you.* But if you have the money for one really nice piece, any of these would be better places to look than a department or men's store.

If it makes you feel any better, going shopping for clothing for anyone who doesn't fit the "average" - even in the opposite direction - can be a humiliating experience.

After years of tomboyishly wearing men's suits I finally decided I'd try my hand at wearing a women's one to, you know, see if I'd like that. ...All of which, even in the smallest sizes, had massive darts for curves that I simply do not possess, leaving fabric dangling around my tits, hips, and thighs hilariously loose and making me look like either a little girl trying on her mother's clothing, or a cross dresser.

Gave up, went to a men's store that caters to metro and gay dudes, found a feminine-ish suit in a 36" jacket, 28" pant that fit like a glove.

Also as a AA cup I straight up can't buy bras at brick and mortar stores in the women's section, I have to go get training bras, where the store attendants look at me like some kind of pervert. Good times!

Re: On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

(Anonymous) - 2013-07-10 12:02 (UTC) - Expand

Re: On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

ariakas - 2013-07-10 12:05 (UTC) - Expand

Re: On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

(Anonymous) - 2013-07-10 12:12 (UTC) - Expand

NAYRT

(Anonymous) - 2013-07-10 17:32 (UTC) - Expand

Re: NAYRT

ariakas - 2013-07-11 00:57 (UTC) - Expand

As usual, when I arrive, most members have already left the building, but now I have all these words in my head I must to let loose. Sorry!

I get most of your frustration. I'm a fat girl (OK... actually almost-30, but whatever) who transitioned down from 246,9 pounds to about 198,4 during about one year (slowly, a few kilograms a month), and now I've been holding this weight for about half a year. (I’m still disproportionate though, my lower half is about a size bigger than my upper body.)

So I've pretty much get "the almost-crying in the store"-feeling, except that I mostly shop at second-hand shops, because I gave up on "official" "new clothes"-stores ages and ages ago (oh, and because I'm poor, and because apparently lots of sizes of the same clothes confuse me).

(Few of my clothes came from the German brand “So Bin Ich” (http://www.ebay.de/sch/Kleidung-Accessoires-/11450/i.html?_from=R40&_nkw=so+bin+ich&_dcat=15724&Marke=SO%2520Bin%2520Ich), and when I shopped, I often saw girlish/feminine clothes by that brand in bigger sizes than I’d needed. That always made the torture of shopping more bearable.)

I've been at the fake-layered-sweater-stage (I loved my fake-layered stuff, they made me realize that layers are awesome), and my wardrobe has been always full of button-downs since the end of high school. I've always tended to like men's fashion much more than women's (apparently this trend is changing now)… basically, I’ve mostly just wanted to look like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=706QhD-kE48 (Marija Serifovic from Serbia performs Molitva at the Eurovision’s Finale at 2007 (this song won)), but never had the… style, I guess. (I think this outfit looks good on anyone regardless of height, weight or body type.)

But I’m extremely lucky in other regards, as I’ve never had to deal with failed attempts at weight loss. I’ve always been fat, my mother is fat, my father was fat, and… I just never cared enough to try to diet. I wanted to be thinner, of course, but I didn’t think about it that much. (Still, if I had a chance to make a wish, and change something on my appearance in a moment, my weight would only be my third choice/wish.)

Then my mother got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Then she started babbling about cooking separately and things like that, and I went “nnnoooooooo way… you diet, me diet” at least that was the sum of it. I mean she doesn’t have any research tools at home to read further on things (small village, only seven streets, no computer at home), and she doesn’t have an opportunity to buy any special ingredients (small village, seven streets, no grocery store in the village), and… Yep.

Then my coworker came back from sabbatical with a very strict diet that she had to keep for medical reasons. That severely overlapped with the diet my mother had to keep.
Then the doctor at my workplace gave some advice.
Then for financial reasons I had to cheat (it’s not really the right word) on inner-city public transport, or walk. Needless to say, I still walk a lot. The apartment I let is two hours from my workplace on foot.
Then my best friend got fed up with crowd, including public transport, and I walked even more, just not alone.

In sum: I’ve replaced sugar with Xylitol, I avoid wheat flour, tried other grains/cereals, other flours, and try to eat complex carbohydrates, try to (and usually fail) eat five times a day and walk a lot. And it works, even know, that I don’t really count the carbohydrates any more.

Another summary: I wasn’t alone. There’s my mother, my coworker, my friend, there are all the circumstances (I still *have to* walk a lot, I know the city I live in much more than two years before) and there’s the fact that I’ve apparently fallen in love with a few “healthy” ingredients (barley!!!).

The end? I'm still a fat girl. (But now, none of my clothes fit properly anymore, I'm lucky my mother can sew.) I'm much more fat in my head than in my appearence, and it very probably will always be that way.

On gender, clothing, size and fitness.

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For those wishing for a comm...

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MAY I PRESENT:

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