[ SECRET POST #2433 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2433 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 073 secrets from Secret Submission Post #348.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[saku]

i mean you can call yourself grey-a or demisexual but both of those are synonymous with "snowflake with low libido" so it's less identity policing and more mocking the idea that you are somehow queer for not having loads of sex all the time. most people looking for a special term do so because they are looking to shirk their privilege.

[(Anonymous)]

Welp, you're wrong. My demisexual partner has a higher libido than I do. So.

[saku]

demisexuality isn't a thing tho, and your partner is apparently not labeling themselves accurately. if your partner is sexually attracted to you and others then they're non-asexual just like the majority of the population. tell them i said congrats on not being queer.

[(Anonymous)]

My partner and I are of the same sex.
My partner is not sexually attracted to anybody else.
My partner has no schema for what makes people "physically attractive."
And yet, my partner gets horny and wants sex. With me.

inb4 "UR PARTNER'S LYING"

[(Anonymous)]

lmfao there's nothing special about them. demisexual is not an actual thing. your partner is just very, very selective. end of story.

[(Anonymous)]

UR PARTNER'S LYING

[(Anonymous)]

Sounds like a pretty normal LTR.

[(Anonymous)]

Not being capable of experiencing attraction to anyone other than your partner is "a pretty normal LTR"? On what planet, exactly?

[saku]

that's not demisexuality's definition; the definition given is the act of not feeling sexual attraction towards someone unless one has formed some kind of bond or emotional connection. if your partner's only exception is you, and not because of that bond, not only are they using an unnecessary label, but they are also using it incorrectly, which is a feat in itself.

[(Anonymous)]

"the definition given is the act of not feeling sexual attraction towards someone unless one has formed some kind of bond or emotional connection"

That... sounds exactly like what AYRT said. What makes you think that AYRT's partner is attracted to them "not because of that bond"? Seems a really weird assumption to make.

+100

[(Anonymous)]

people can identify as whatever makes them happy but if demisexual ever becomes something outside of the internet I will cry tears of rage

Re: +100

[saku]

i agree. people can use whatever words they want but the meaning behind them doesn't really change. there's only so much misleading you can do before you either have to admit you're not queer or "special", or you start lying to others.

Re: +100

[(Anonymous)]

I hope you drown, then. Ass.

Re: +100

[(Anonymous)]

Someone's mad.

[(Anonymous)]

I've got the libido of a rabbit on viagra. During my 25+ years on the planet, I've never met a person I've wanted to rub my crotch against. I'm aromantic, but if I DO fall in love one day I know that I'll be capable of enjoying sex with a partner on the same level that I'm enjoying my dildo. Sex drive =/= sexual attraction.

[saku]

yeah, and i agree with that. that's why demisexuality is a farce. demisexuality claims to be a label of sexual attraction, but in reality it deals with how much sex a person is having, rather than anything that would describe what a sexuality is, at its very core.

[(Anonymous)]

"demisexuality claims to be a label of sexual attraction, but in reality it deals with how much sex a person is having"

...No? Demisexuality is about who you're attracted to, not what you do with them. A demisexual person who doesn't have an intense emotional bond with anyone has no sex because they have no potential sex partners, just like a straight woman who's exclusively surrounded by women has no potential sex partners. If that same demisexual person falls in love with someone, they could have sex half a dozen times a day with that person because now they have someone they're attracted to (emotionally). This isn't actually hard.

[(Anonymous)]

That describes most people, though. Demisexuals just seem peculiarly literal about defining it and fail to pick up on the fact that 90% of what people say about wanting to have sex is a joke.

[(Anonymous)]

Then I must be a special goddamn snowflake for having fun feelings in my pants when I look at that gif of Chris Evans and the punching bag.

Experiencing sexual attraction =/= wanting to pursue a sexual encounter. This is not hard.

[(Anonymous)]

Just speaking personally? I'm nearly 30, and in my whole life I've only ever seriously considered having sex with 3 people, all of whom I'd got emotionally close to. Having talked to other people about this in the past, that seems to be a pretty normal figure.

[saku]

ok let me make this simple for you.

there are a lot of sexualities out there. demisexuality isn't one of them.

if you are straight, you are sexually attracted to some people who are the opposite gender.

if you are gay, you are sexually attracted to some people who share your gender.

if you are bisexual, you are sexually attracted to some people who fit within the gender binary, but your attracttion is not exclusive to one of the two genders in the binary.

if you are pansexual, you are sexually attracted to some people regardless of their gender, gender identity, sexual parts, etc.

if you are asexual, you are not sexually attracted to any person, regardless of their gender, gender identity, sexual parts, etc.

there are other sexualities but demisexuality is not one of them. at the very least it should not be listed as a sexuality on par with these others. call the status "demisexuality" if you wish but know that the term is misleading, and know that most people who adhere to the label do so under the impression that it IS on par with the sexualities aforementioned.

sexuality is complex, but it is also remarkably defined. for many, it's one axis of a grid, the other being romantic attraction. someone who is asexual but falls in love with someone of their same gender is thus a homoromantic asexual. they won't find the people they fall in love with sexually attractive, but there is still love there.

sometimes people who are otherwise straight or gay or asexual find one or two exceptions. to them these exceptions are so rare and negligible that they don't warrant a change in label. people who claim to be demisexual and feel genuine about the term are generally exhibiting asexuality with exceptional tendencies, as many people do. others just have low libidos.

that's basically the gist of it. you don't need a label for someone who isn't very sexual as a whole but is sexual towards one or two people they feel close to. demisexuality as a label is looked down on largely because it's more or less slut-shaming; you thinking you are special or different because you don't have ~casual sex or whatever.

but to me, the worst part about the term: people who use the label never bring it up in casual passing. they always want to talk about it, and tell you how “oppressed” they are. the label is used to partition someone from their own privileges. they feel robbed of being the “default” in society. being straight but picky or bisexual but selective or gay but choosy isn't good enough for them. they wan't something that will sound vaguely like they have a claim to social justice issues. those same people might show up to pride events to drown out those that pride events are intended for. you only crushing on one person doesn't give you some whacky, colourful identity. you're just a blubbering privileged idiot trying to pass yourself off as something more.

[vethica]

For real, though, sexuality is about attraction, not behavior. Demisexuality isn't any different. It has absolutely nothing to do with how much sex you have or who you have it with, and absolutely everything to do with under what circumstances you're sexually attracted to people. If someone calls themself demisexual because they "don't have ~casual sex or whatever", then... they're wrong? Because that's not what it means. :|

Now, is calling demisexuality its own thing misleading? Should it instead be considered a subset of asexuality - like you said, asexual with exceptions? Quite possibly so! But because there is a term that other people use and understand, I'm going to use it until a better term comes into general use.

[(Anonymous)]

I could get on board with your saying that demisexuality isn't an orientation in the sense that gay/straight/bi/etc. are, that it's not queer and it's not marginalized, but you don't stop there. You then go on to say that it's not a real label at all (while, ironically, incorrectly defining it).

Demisexuality isn't being asexual with exceptions. It's not having a low libido. It's not slut-shaming or thinking you're ~above people who have casual sex (and people who do act that way are assholes). It's having sexual attraction work differently for you. It's having no idea whether a person is physically attractive or not, because the only things that affect you sexually are emotions. It's about attraction, not behavior or sex drive. This isn't actually a difficult concept, if you know the difference between finding someone attractive and wanting to have sex with them. Demisexuality is about the former, but you seem fixated on the latter.

[(Anonymous)]

Props for this comment, but...while you've given what's now a popular definition of bisexual, it's not one that most bisexuals agree with, especially not older bisexuals. 'Bisexual' was coined in sexology, where it means what the middle of the Kinsey scale says it means - "both homosexual and heterosexual". The 'bi' isn't about the gender binary but the sexual binary (which IS absolute by definition: eg, I am female, so if I'm dating another woman that's homosexual, if I'm dating someone who isn't a woman that's heterosexual - whether that person is a man or a neutrois or a third-gender person, if they're not female it's by definition a heterosexual relationship for me.) IMX the difference between 'bisexual' and 'pansexual' is simply a cultural and generational shift that boils down to 'did you come out before or after 2005?' Personally I'm really not comfortable with the pansexual movement. I fit the definition (as do pretty much all the other bi adults I know), but I'm much more at home with 'bisexual'.