fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2445 ]

[ SECRET POST #2445 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2445 ⌋

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[Breaking Bad]

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[Cillian Murphy]

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[Robert Downey Jr.]

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[Star Trek]

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[Homestuck]

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Parents who are passive aggressive, who openly mock you for wanting a break from job hunting, who are not aware of the vicious cycle started by convincing me I can never drive so don't think about asking, and dare to bitch that I didn't prove myself "worthy" of driving.

Parents who don't appreciate that I need a break after two or three months of applying everywhere close by and getting NOTHING. Parents who will dismiss your efforts. Parents who are hard nosed one moment but then try to act all understanding when I get turned down for a job or don' get a call back and sit there and preach that I'm taking it too personally. Parents who say that after also telling me "I want you to search for jobs as if you won't eat tonight.

Parents who put all this harassment, then dare to say "your whole life is a break".

Parents who approach my self destructiveness as a result of all this stress as if it's just bad behavior from someone who just wants to get their way. Rather than someone who's trying every way they know how to say "I AM CRUMBLING APART. I. NEED. HELP."

Wow. That sounds like a really toxic situation. Is there any way you can put some distance between you and them? GAH.

No

*sigh*

I can't drive....I can't go to anyone else and ask them to house me because everyone in my family his shit going on. They just don't see how they've crippled my ability to leave.

Which makes their "You've got to learn to be more self sufficient we're not going to support you forever, we don't want you living here when you're forty" worse. It cuts deeper because they make me feel pathetic.

After pressing it on me for years that I can't drive the doctors say I can't dive give up on driving, no you don't really want to drive, driving would be a huge waste of time and money. You can just rely on us...no ...no ..NO"

we FINALLY get a doctor who confronts them and suggests that maybe they should try and see. They give their reasonings why it scares them. "I'm emotional", "I don't follow their rules, so why should they think I'll follow the rules of the road?" "she's on her phone a lot what if she gets on it while driving." (the last one is probably the only good one, but I did tell them that I'd put my phone in my trunk if it meant I could drive.)

Later in the car they're I'll "Well if you wanted to drive so badly why didn't you prove to us that we could trust you?"

*throws hands up in the air* I can't fucking win.

Basically they expect me to rely on them rather than seek independence outside their "help" and get upset when I want to seek outside help. (my mom flipped when I suggested taking my medicine and finding a homeless shelter in the city. Told me those places weren't for me) But then they also complain that I'm not growing up fast enough. They want to be the ONLY ones who are allowed to help me and make sure I do it THEIR way.

hey this might be a good read for you

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3566058

I did see a lot of those in me.

"You have harsh "inner critics." (Really harsh. nasty hateful voicies hissing "shut up nobody cares" when I post something, or this feeling that I'm going to get flamed. I've only got flamed twice.)

"You have trouble asserting yourself" (Bingo. Also I apologize...a lot. If I'm talking to my friends and one of them doesn't answer I have to fight the temptation to apologize for what I said.)

"You have an eating disorder or addictive behaviors."(I'm pretty sure I have an eating disorder if it involves compulsive eating. When I was in highschool I was always getting snacks and had an embarrassing fixation with getting my hands on food mainly junk food. It's not as bad but i still eat a lot when I'm bored , or just have eating binges where I just want to eat a bunch of stuff. My mom just dismisses it as being "a pig" which makes me feel worse. When I was working I spent a lot of money buying snacks and sodas. Or junk. I think that crossed over with impulsive shopping.)

"Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents." -(I feel disloyal or like I'm betraying them by talking about my frustrations with them. Once someone at work saw me come in crying and I just vented about their suffocating behaviors for fifteen to twenty minutes. I felt like I did something horrible.....right now i feel guilty.)

"Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why."

"Feel confused by parental mixed messages." (Oh yeah.the only thing i;m sure of is that in the end it's always my fault...somehow. I don't even know what's normal ..I always ask myself "is this normal? are they expecting too much of me or am I just lazy?")

"Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents." (when it comes to opinions on politics and religion...yeah.)

"Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents." (whenever I try to confront them I get tongue tied and just end up crying and getting into a screaming match. and It's always going to be my fault afterward. I'm just a spoiled brat who "wants to just be handed stuff in life")

"Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents." "The thought of cutting off contact, even when I'm moved out scares me to death. I love them...I love them so much I still sleep with the stitch plush that mom got me at Disneyworld when I was thirteen and the stuffed iguana my dad got at the fair when on my 18th birthday. Yeah that's how emotionally attached I am. *just waits to be laughed at*)

That's a lot...

I gather you actually are seeing some sort of therapist? In that case, their office might be a place from which you can negotiate some kind of agreement with your parents on learning to drive. "Proving yourself worthy" of driving is a ridiculous idea, but driving is a huge responsibility, and I can understand parents wanting some sort of sign that you're responsible enough to handle it. What could you do to demonstrate that you are responsible?

Additionally, if your job search is stalling because you don't have marketable skills or references, consider volunteering as a way of obtaining both. Possible places to start might be your public library (also good as a way of getting advance notice of paid positions), county conservation board, a local soup kitchen or food bank, or the local historical society.

We're looking for one. We just moved.

I want to drive even though it's scary because the idea of being dependent is repellent to me. I've had enough of it. I would follow the rules because it means not dying in a car wreck or killing someone. I don't normally consider myself a responsible person.

I have a year's worth of job experience. It's just stalling because I'm under a lot of stress and am always being pushed and told i need to try harder and the job rejections get me so upset and depressed. I wish I could take a break from searching. But they won't hear a word of it. I wish they could let me be more easygoing about it. I want a break from all the pushing and the negativity I feel between pressuring and rejections...

I have unhealthful self destructive thoughts when I get rejected or don't get called back. It scares me....>.

I don't normally consider myself a responsible person.

I'm sure you have heard this message a good deal from your parents, and that's bad enough; it's even more damaging, and likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, when it's coming from you. So one good thing you can do for yourself, that might be within your reach, is to expand the things you actually take responsibility for, and carry them out consistently enough that, when you're tempted to think "I'm just not a responsible person," you have a couple of counter-arguments.

This is something volunteering might also help with, especially since organizations that need volunteers are very grateful to get them, and it would do you a world of good to receive the commendation of a disinterested third party when all you usually hear is the criticisms that you get from your parents (and yourself). Plus, it'll broaden your skill set and give you yet another bullet point on your resume. And finally, it would get you away from your folks for a while.

It's hard not to take rejection personally; can't say I have any advice for you there. It's something I have to constantly remind myself not to do.

When I'm in high school at 16 severely bullied and with obvious anxiety disorders they take the psychiatrist's word that I can't drive as gospel.

even after I leave high school and we are in a new location and i'm looking for a job they continue to take it as gospel . "You can't drive , it's your fault because you did shitty in highschool that was YOUR choice. stop asking"

I get good grades in college and it's still "no you can't drive forget about it rely on us, we'll take you places." plus a heaping dose of 'well you have to prove you'll take college seriously before we'll pay for it,because we don't want you to waste our money." Which they're kind of off and on about. "You should apply for [college] it's all online and you can do it from home" and then "you did poorly in online classes we're not paying for that."

We move suddenly and they tell me "don't tell your boss you're moving until the last month! We don't know where we're going to live" . and in the last month welll......it's a bit too late to get a fucking transfer and I have to quit. Then it's "well you need to find a job in two months or we'll cut off internet access. It's a big city so there should be no excuse." and "we have to threaten you or you won't do it" "we don't want you to be stuck living with us forever but we're also scared of you being on the road because you're irresponsible. Just let us drive you everywhere"

Finally a doctor says they should consider the possibility of driving and then it's "but you need to prove you're responsible. you haven't proved us that yet" and back to "get a job if you want to drive" "You're not working haaard enough" "why don't you let us help you , you're way isn't working" "you obviously don't want it enough.

and in the end "don't blame us for how your life turned out we're not responsible for that, you are." "Most of your hurt is self inflicted."

and I just. BLOW. UP. and can't take their shit anymore and "your hurting us too, your words hurt"

GEE LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW.

Fuck this...you know what? I'm not eating today. If I don't eat and just drink all day they'll KNOW somethings wrong. Just..nope I can't put up with this anymore. They have to see they're hurting me.

*curls up with stuffed animals and dreams of when they were decent*

I'm sorry, anon. It's a horrible situation and your parents sound like real unpleasant people and I'm sorry you're in this situation and I'm sorry you're in pain.

Please don't hurt yourself. Please don't starve yourself or do anything else to hurt yourself. I understand why you would want to do it - I'm not saying it's a bad impulse, it's a cry for help and it's a cry for attention and recognition and you deserve attention and recognition, you really do. But I don't think you should do it because you'll be hurting yourself, and that's bad - you shouldn't need to hurt yourself, you shouldn't be in pain. It is a bad thing for you to hurt yourself because hurting yourself is bad.

I don't really have any practical advice. I don't know what practical advice I can give you. I guess I would say that it seems like your parents are not really people that you can or should rely on, or that you should necessarily listen to absolutely. To the extent that you can, maybe try to not rely on them as much as you can. Please seek whatever help you can get outside the family, in whatever ways - whether it be friends, whether it be therapists independent of your family, whatever. And don't listen to them and let them tell you you're worthless because you're not.

This is a short story I like: http://fasterthanfashion.blogspot.com/2006/06/saucer-of-loneliness.html I don't know. Read it, if you feel like it. It's something that's had a lot of meaning for me . I don't know.

Good luck, anon. Good luck.

Thank you and I didn't go through with it....I'm glad I didn't.

I don't really have proper internet access right now (on my phone) but I think I'll be able to read it tomorrrow.

I'll just wait until I get a psychiatrist or counselor and explain myself to them.

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[ SECRET POST #2445 ]

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