fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2446 ]

[ SECRET POST #2446 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2446 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

04. [WARNING for gore, blood, etc]

[How To Train Your Dragon]

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05. [WARNING for child abuse]

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06. [WARNING for rape]

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07. [WARNING for rape]

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08. [WARNING for torture]

[Fall Out Boy's "The Phoenix"]

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09. [WARNING for underage]

[pokemon conquest]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #349.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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And kind of a secret.

...I really, really hate being asexual. It's boring, frustrating and lonely and it's been about six years since I first realized but it still isn't something I've been able to come to terms with.

I grew up looking forward to those emotions to kick in. I was totally psyched for the day I'd start wanting to date and have sex. And then it just never happened, and I feel so goddamn cheated.

I really don't know who to talk to about this. I don't really like the asexual community, tumblr is full of douchebags and I don't want to drag anyone down with my negativity when everyone else is all "ACE PRIDE" etc.

Is a therapist an option for you?

I brought it up with my doctor and she basically shut me down with "nope, you're gay and repressed, go on some dates and everything will be fine!" My local practice is tiny and only has one therapist, who I haven't seen yet, and if she doesn't believe me there's nowhere else for me to go. I can't afford private counselling.

Wow it sucks that you were actually told that. I know it hurts and is frustrating when professionals don't take you seriously.

your doctor is bullshit what the hell

I mean...what is boring about it? If you are bored because you are craving sexual attention, you may not be asexual. If you are craving physical (non-sexual) contact like cuddles and such, there ARE places you can find that. Just be careful and all that. If you are craving friendship, then go out and make some new friends. Being asexual shouldn't really affect platonic relationships.

So much of how people bond is talking about sexual relationships. I can't get away from conversations where people talk about who they like, etc. and it's either fake it and feel like a fraud, or sit there quietly and not really be able to join in. Plus the intensity of emotion that all this sexual/romantic feeling seems to come with... I feel like my life would be richer if I could experience it.

I am aware that I need to make more friends though, it's something I'm working on.

While you should not doing anything you hate, if you are sort of ambivalent towards sex (as opposed to hating it), there are plenty of asexuals who have sexual relationships with their sexual partners. Find a guy (or gal) with a low sex drive and you can have the intimacy and all that.

Do you find that you are not interested in ROMANTIC partnerships at all or just sexual ones?

Re: Venting

(Anonymous) - 2013-09-13 23:49 (UTC) - Expand

don't force it

insanenoodlyguy - 2013-09-14 03:42 (UTC) - Expand

DA, and not asexual, but there is a certain social aspect that's lacking when you're not in a relationship. Most social events involve couples, so you end up being the single person everyone talks to the same way they talk to the children. Your friends get married and you're suddenly the third wheel. It doesn't always have to be like this, but it can make things a little boring and lonely.

This too! This is more an aromantic thing than an asexual thing but still relevant - I'm scared of being left behind. There's a lot of pressure in knowing I'm probably going to be entirely self-sufficient forever, and at the same time I don't think I'm ever really going to have 'grown up' in the eyes of my family. If you've got a partner, at least you've got someone to split the rent and your worries with.

DA

Another asexual here. Sex always gets portrayed as this amazing wonderful thing and sexual desire is this strong exciting thing and I feel like I'm missing out on a huge important meaningful part of life that other people experience with all its passionate ups and downs. It would be exciting to see someone and go wow that person is hot and feel some sort of desire for them but there's just nothing there and imagining having sex with even people I think are aesthetically pleasing only weirds me out.

Imagine what it'd be like to be unable to crave food. You can eat food, and food can still taste pretty good when you do, but you'll never get that satisfying feeling of omg I want a cheeseburger so bad right now / yessss this is exactly what I wanted.

Exactly this. Thanks for providing the analogy, and for understanding. :)

Maybe you haven't found the 'food' you're looking for?

Is it more important that "everyone else is doing it" and you aren't? (By the way, everyone else is not doing it. A lot are, and a lot aren't for various reasons.)

Do you believe the lack of desire for sex to be some character flaw? Do you just want to claim something so that you can share it in conversation?

Sorry if I'm being intrusive. I was just throwing some questions out there. IMO you're only missing out if it's something you really want to do, not something you only *wish* you want to do. If that makes sense.

Re: Venting

(Anonymous) - 2013-09-14 06:29 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Venting

(Anonymous) - 2013-09-14 12:14 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Venting

el_regrs - 2013-09-14 14:40 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Venting

(Anonymous) - 2013-09-14 16:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Venting

el_regrs - 2013-09-15 02:58 (UTC) - Expand

I'd trade with you if I could. I find the need to masturbate distracting, and I don't really want to have sex with anyone.

Sorry you're not happy with your situation either anon. I'd gladly trade, were it possible.

Thanks. I'm pretty okay, I mean, I live with it. I totally get the feeling weird when people talk about their sexual relationships. I have a friend who is really proud of his sexuality and sees sex as a kind of self-expression and I think that's great, I love talking about sex positive stuff with him. But someone on tv says they're a virgin he either thinks it's funny, or pities them, as if it's the biggest deal. Or if I mention liking someone, my friends act like it's assumed that sex is my ultimate goal. I guess you just gotta accept that everyone places importance on different things, and that's why most people find most other people really annoying and hard to get along with. I don't know if any of this makes sense, it kind of turned into a stupid rant.

Re: Venting

(Anonymous) - 2013-09-14 00:07 (UTC) - Expand

I...kind of know what you mean, I guess? I don't think I really hate it so much because I can't imagine being any other way but I do really wish it wasn't seen as either "you're lying because you just want to feel like a special snowflake" or "you're just an uptight prude who needs to get laid and/or therapy".

I do sometimes lonely because being in a relationship with a non-asexual person is something that I don't think I can/don't want to deal with (I've tried twice and it was just way too huge of an issue to overcome) and the prospect of just happening to come across another asexual person at all (let alone one who I'm also compatible with in all the other important ways) seems basically impossible.

I don't know what my point is, but...I know how you feel. It seems like it would be a lot better/easier even if only more people realized it existed but I'm not sure how to make that happen.

I mean, in fairness... what's the observable distinction between someone who is repressed and someone who really is asexual? What signs can you look for to tell that difference? How does one know that someone else is one and not the other? Because it doesn't seem implausible that someone could actually be repressed and not asexual. It's an interesting question, I think - how can you know something like that for certain, especially if you're coming from the outside?

DA

Repressed is usually like they feel its "bad" or "wrong" or "dirty" or "improper" when it comes down to it. Repression is more about behavior or attitude rather than genuine lack of desire.

Asexual is like "I don't see the big deal" and some of us really wish we could see the big deal or why this omg amazing delicious pizza is so delicious-looking for everyone else but has the appeal of cardboard to us. A lot of us are sex-positive, too. We're glad you're enjoying your pizza and that's great.

ayrt

If you're talking about simply observing someone, you're right, there really isn't a reliable way to tell.

I meant when you tell someone you're asexual and they say "don't be stupid, that's not possible, you're just repressed." It's like, how about just taking someone at their word when they tell you what their sexuality is? It's like if someone said "I'm gay" and someone else told them "no, you're not, that's ridiculous, you just think you are because you've had bad luck with the opposite sex" or something. It's just frustrating when some random person thinks they know who you are/what you want better than you do. (And this isn't directed at you personally, just people in general.)

I'm reading some of the replies in here and it's quite interesting.

I think sometimes people label themselves as asexual because they don't/can't know better, but really, it's self-repression. I'm not trying to judge here, I've come to a realization about myself lately and that's it for me.

I had really bad experiences with people in the past, when I was a kid really, and that translated to me being very diffident of people, and mostly men in general. Then, growing up, I felt some times the need to connect physically with a man, but I was too afraid/disgusted/bored by the other mechanisms involved (say, going on a date, intimacy, I hate that), so yeah, I resorted to calling myself asexual and leave it at that, because the alternative seemed weird.

Now I consider myself still sentimentally completely independent, I'll probably never manage to convince myself that I need a companion, but I've come to realize that yes, biologically my body could do with sex.

As for my friends, they are all pretty much convinced that I'm no virgin because I act like I'm not. They all think I'm super selective because I have a very strong no-compromises (and quirky) personality and that I only see men for brief periods of time and with no strings.

I don't know, someone else feeling like this? I feel very alone some times. I still think sex isn't that important, but I *do* think about it, and that irks me more than anything. I just couldn't rule it out. My opinion, related to myself and my body, is that if you ever feel the need to fantasize about sex or read smut etc, even if it doesn't involve yourself, then you ARE a sexual person.

Re: Venting

(Anonymous) - 2013-09-14 23:23 (UTC) - Expand

I know exactly how you feel. Most of the time its a non-issue for me, but every now and then I just really wish I were "normal" and feel like I'm so separate and missing out on this huge part of society and relationships and just Life in general.

*hugs* if you want 'em.

Yeah, I go through phases of being 'okay' with it and then something will just hit me and I think "...oh" and it gets me down all over again.

Thanks *hugs*

I totally feel you on this. I live in a fairly conservative small town where most people probably don't even know that asexuality is a thing, and neither did I until I found the internet. I was always waiting and waiting for romantic-type feelings to come and always assumed I never dated because I'm shy. And then one day I realized that I just really have no interest. I can read porn and enjoy my favorite characters having sex, but the idea of doing it myself does nothing for me. I guess it's nice to know that there are other people out there like me, but at the same time I can't help but feel like I'm missing something.

It would probably help if I was more social and had more platonic friends anyway, but so often it seems like social situations boil down to "So who are you dating? Who do you like?" and I don't know what to say because I have no desire to date anyone. (I really wish I lived somewhere with more people, I always can't help but feel like there's just no one here who's like me and I'm always going to be the lonely weirdo.)

I'm asexual and have aesthetic and romantic attractions, but what's the fucking point of acting on it? "Oh, hi, yes, you're pretty and I want to admire your appearance, go on dates, and never ever kiss you or get you off. Jerk it where I don't have to deal with it, please." Like anyone would be so desperate for attention that they'd accept that?

I mean, I guess I could just date people serially and break it off before getting physical, but that just seems really manipulative and wrong to me.

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