fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2446 ]

[ SECRET POST #2446 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2446 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

04. [WARNING for gore, blood, etc]

[How To Train Your Dragon]

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05. [WARNING for child abuse]

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06. [WARNING for rape]

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07. [WARNING for rape]

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08. [WARNING for torture]

[Fall Out Boy's "The Phoenix"]

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09. [WARNING for underage]

[pokemon conquest]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #349.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm... pretty much going through that with my SO right now. Every month is begging for rent money and bills money and constantly having to double-check to make sure the bills actually did get paid with the money I put in the account instead of spent on stupid superficial crap. I would seriously leave SO at this point, except that SO's family is literally a thousand miles away and the SO has nowhere to go and no way to get around, so me kicking them out would leave them homeless, and I'm not THAT horrible.

I'm thinking the engagement is off as soon as SO finds a job and has a means of survival other than me, but I don't know when or if that will ever happen.

Time for a separate account that they can't spend out of.

Problem being that I have health problems (and no insurance now, thanks to SO getting themself fired due to doing something illegal due to desperation over SO's lack of "fun money", meaning no treatment) leaving me mostly housebound, so SO sort of has to take care of some of the household bills on our behalf. After a couple shut-off notices turned up (or were hidden, and actual workmen showed up to turn things off), I always go into the account a few days after depositing exactly what I need to put in for rent/bills, and check exactly what amounts were taken out. And ask about it if nothing has been taken out yet, or if small amounts have.

Meanwhile my income is all deposited by default in a private account, and has been since I found out that SO took the joint account's $2000 that was supposed to be a start for a down payment on the house and spent it. I really should have left then, but SO was so apologetic, and was going to therapy, and so on...

So was "so apologetic, going to therapy"? Please. Get rid, soonest. You are not his keeper.

I have a feeling that the engagement should be off regardless, even if you don't want to cut them off complete yet. Because if you are roped into a marriage, it's only going to bleed you more. This is potentially far, far worse than any Tumblr liars due to they are now your legal responsibility and it looks like they don't understand responsibility.

Yes, exactly. I've been thinking for MONTHS about what exactly the problem is, and how I'm going to phrase it when the time comes, and the only way I can put it is that SO is not emotionally/mentally capable of having an adult, "equal partners" relationship yet. This has been proven abundantly clear with more than just the finances.

If I was going to be blunt I would be saying "Look, we already agreed we didn't want kids. You're begging your parents to pay your living expenses every month, and not cleaning up after the pets you adopted, and spending all your time reading fanfic and playing flash games instead of looking for a job - I do not have the spoons to deal with a kid right now, even an adult one." But there is a mental health issue to consider also, even if I'm starting to wonder how much of it is authentic and how much of it is SO using it as an excuse.

They're using it as an excuse, anon. Having a mental illness means you can't always control your thoughts and emotions, but you CAN control what you do about it. Every mentally ill person has the responsibility to try and do something about their condition, because at the end of the day they're the only ones who can change anything.

Sometimes even the most well-meaning depressed person needs a kick up the ass to get them on the road to recovery. But because you're unintentionally enabling them, your SO will never start down that road. Getting them out of this rut is honestly the BEST thing you could do for their mental health.

Regarding your last sentence--SO will probably continue to use it as an excuse for at least as long as they can use you as a crutch. Keep taking steps to protect yourself financially and emotionally, and DO NOT marry this person. It would end in disaster for you both. SO needs to grow up and take responsibility for SO.

Nonnie, please leave the SO. You're being milked and manipulated and it will never get better.

... I know all too well that it isn't that easy, but it's easier now than it will be in a year, or two, or three.

Agreed, you need to leave, anon.

It would be easy enough, seeing as I've been sitting on the knowledge that this relationship is not healthy for me (and possibly not healthy for SO) for half a year already. Except for the SO's mental health issues (don't want to give SO an excuse to completely shut down and do even less in the realm of looking for work), and the fact that I can't leave (in the process of buying a house from a VERY patient relative - SO's financial issues have not helped us get approved, long story short, though I've given up on SO ever getting credit fixed and am just focusing on repairing my own); I can only ask SO to leave, and there is nowhere for SO to go and no method of self-support.

Though admittedly, if SO is going to go sulk back to the parents' house and wind up living with them forever as I suspect, might as well happen while SO doesn't have a job a thousand miles from them.

(Yes, I'm trying to be decent to SO, because SO is still the one singular person I've ever liked well enough to voluntarily live with, let alone consider living with forever, but that doesn't mean I'm not incredibly bitter and angry and filled with venom.)

You could do a clean cut and help SO get tickets back to their parents. :/

Sucky move, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

THAT IS THE ONLY CRITERIA THAT MATTERS IF YOU CAN FINANCIALLY LEAVE. Ask him to leave AND change the locks.

I just checked the internet, and a greyhound bus ticket from the west coast to the east coast is $226. I can only assume that sending them a shorter distance would be cheaper. But even if it wasn't, I promise it would be the best $226 you've ever spent to ship the SO back to their parents and move on with your life, because like everyone else is telling you -- they're never going to change, and if you wait until the SO is employed to break the engagement, you'll be engaged forever.

(Also, and perhaps I'm swinging too far to hyperbole, but I'm about 95% sure that if SO got a job, and you kicked them out, they'd find a way to lose the job and be back on your doorstep in no time. And find a way to make it your "fault" because that's what emotionally manipulative people do.)

Newsflash, anon: SO is NEVER getting a job. Why would they? Their needs are met, they get by comfortably, and they can do whatever they want with no consequence because they know you're not heartless enough to kick them out.

Time for a new bank account SO can't get in. Save up bus fare for him to get back home with a little extra. Then kick. Them. Out. What they do with the money is their concern. Your hands will be clean.

Oh man, you have no idea how true this is. I was actually really pissed when SO got approved for food stamps. The card came, and SO was all "Woohooooo, can finally buy food!" (because I told SO several months ago I was not bailing them out anymore, SO needed to figure out their own finances)... and knowing that SO has historically wasted a ton of money on high-end food despite not being able to afford it, I warned SO not to overspend on fancy stuff.

Turns out SO is getting as much in the way of food stamps as my mom used to spend on our family of four. So SO is all "Oh, I don't need to worry about that, hahaha!" and I basically made myself sit very still and hold my breath so I wouldn't scream.

But food stamps aren't going to pay the bills, or the rent, and they don't cover food for the cats SO insisted on adopting. I'm hoping even if SO doesn't have any occasion to moan anymore about not being able to eat goat cheese and italian gelato and artisan salads every day, that'll be enough impetus to make SO suck it up and take a retail job even if it's not going to pay enough for SO to start accompanying me to conventions again and such.

And then I can go "You know what? This hasn't been working for awhile. Now that you have a way to support yourself - and don't say you can't, because remember when you first moved here and I WAS SUPPORTING BOTH OF US WITH MY RETAIL JOB BECAUSE YOU HAD LIKE $200 OF 'SAVINGS'? - we're going to acknowledge that."

I may come off as a pushover here, but seriously, my own mental health is shaky at the moment too, and I cannot deal with not only the initial confrontation, but the inevitable guilt if I potentially screw over the person who has been closer to me than anyone else ever has (and who is still a good friend, in the moments I can put it aside). So I wait. And I plan. And I fantasize about doing it in less tactful ways.

You keep waiting for that perfect moment to leave him. There will never be one. The moment is now.

This.

I see my sibling in pretty much this exact predicament. It doesn't get better. It's best to cut off the tumor; don't let the "guilt" of leaving them homeless stop you because they will use the hell out of that to keep you supporting their ass, even if it ultimately makes you BOTH homeless.

Seriously, leave. Please.

Consider that

a) leaving is a potential wake up call for your SO to actually get his stuff in gear

b) not leaving lets him remain comfortable without improving

a) has the chance of success for your SO and guaranteed success for yourself, while b) doesn't have a chance of success for either of you and only keeps you both from ever getting out of that slump

You've gotten a lot of great advice that you should absolutely take. Your SO has absolutely no motivation to improve themselves and never will as long as they're getting what they need with the status quo. From their perspective it actually doesn't make sense for them to sacrifice their free time and happiness for a paycheck when their basic needs will be met regardless. Your SO is an adult and not your responsibility. You are not a selfish person for not wanting to enable a selfish person.

But I know sometimes knowing something is right logically is not the same as knowing it emotionally. I'd like to suggest mentally switching you and your SO's roles in your head and imagine yourself treating your SO the way you're being treated. Imagine your SO feeling trapped and stressed by you the way you're feeling trapped by them. If this makes you queasy with imagined shame, and embarrassment for treating someone you're supposed to love like that, if you're mortified at the thought of being a willing, active burden on your partner, if you can't imagine placing your wants over your partner's needs without guilt or genuine attempts at self improvement that should tell you everything you need to know about where your SO's values are at.

Being there for someone is completely different from being used by someone.

At the very least you need to call the engagement off and set some serious boundaries and make it clear you expect SO to become self sufficient.

Absolutely this, Anon. You're a kind person for trying to find the "right time" to break it off, but with people like this every time will be the wrong time, because something will always be wrong. You have to take care of yourself.

oh dear anon, I wish you lots of luck. I hope you can get out of this. I don't think SO will ever be anything but a leech on you and if that's not what you want in a partner, I'd get out of their fast D:

so me kicking them out would leave them homeless, and I'm not THAT horrible.
Seriously? BE THAT HORRIBLE. This person clearly has no love or concern for YOUR financial well-being, living space, safety, etc. At this point, whatever you feel you "owe" them as someone you care about, you've more than paid.

He is stealing from you, or close to it. get out of all joint accounts first though and transfer everything. waiting for him to have means is stupid. A: why should he go get a job when you are taking care of him? and B: fuck him if he's homeless that's his fault.

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[ SECRET POST #2446 ]

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That's half a year you should have left.

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you are a fucking pushover.

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LEAVE NOW