[ SECRET POST #2489 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2489 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 058 secrets from Secret Submission Post #356.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[dreemyweird]

Thank you. That was what I wanted to say. As somebody who did have an abusive mother, I absolutely do not understand the point of confronting the abuser (or anyone who mistreated you) about their misdeeds when the actual threat of being hurt is gone. Most of the time they are either unable to realize that they did something wrong or have already realized it. If the latter is the case, it could be that they feel guilty over it; why do you need to make that guilt worse? To make them suffer? What would be the point of doing it, exactly?

[(Anonymous)]

i've seen it said by people that encouraging therapy and growth and moving past abuse is "victim blaming". even when the abuser is long gone, even when it's been years, saying maybe it's time you stop wallowing in the past is now BAD to say. Uh. sure. whatever. enjoy living the rest of your life stuck there, never finding true happiness because you can't bring yourself to walk away from an issue that's been dead for years. i know it's not easy. PTSD is no fuckin picnic. but nothing's ever going to get better if you don't take a step in the right direction. constantly facing backwards won't work.

[(Anonymous)]

This. my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to me all through my teens. I grew up and started throwing it back at him, and eventually moved out, he stopped, and we get along just fine now. Sure, I still have the occasional issue crop up related to it, but I'm a big girl now, went to therapy and everything, and I can handle myself just fine. Dredging up stuff that happened 6-7 years ago would be pointless, because he's not that person anymore and I'm not that person anymore and we've both moved on for the most part.

[(Anonymous)]

If you continue to have some kind of relationship with someone, addressing it in some way with them is often really important, especially when you're traumatised. It's something psychologists do tend to advocate. If you're able to put it behind you and move on that's great and it's worked; some people work for years to get to that stage and it's not their fault or inadequacy that it took so long or with external help to get there.

Speaking from experience. I shut them out for a decade until I could confront them, and they fortunately demonstrated some willingness to acknowledge, and then the rest was forgiveness even though I won't trust them or confide in them ever again.

My friend who was raped by her father many times has been unable to move on without heavy heavy therapy for decades and I'm glad she has no intention of talking to him ever again.

Just "moving on" as you've done is totally inappropriate for some people, including me, and definitely her. Assuming you still have a relationship with your mother.

[dreemyweird]

IA with the first part; perhaps it would be a good idea for the OP (albeit they do not seem to be traumatised), but the method is questionable. It is not the addressing as such that matters, it is how one does it.

As to the second part, it really has nothing to do with "moving on" (which I am probably in the process of) - it is about avoiding an open confrontation, not about keeping the relationship up. Walking away from someone isn't confronting them. At the time, I would've gladly walked away if I could, and I believe your friend did the right thing (it sure as hell would be odd if she wanted to keep in contact with her father).