[ SECRET POST #2489 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2489 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 058 secrets from Secret Submission Post #356.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[seventh_seal]

I guess you're not alone in sounding like an asshole since this was my exact reaction to the secret.

It's time to let go and forgive, OP. This reminds me of how my dad always went on about what a bad father his father was to him and guess what, my dad sucked at being a dad himself.

[(Anonymous)]

oh god, I hope OP doesn't have kids. if she's this hung up after so long she's probably not doing too great herself.

[pkbitchgirl]

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178055

[seventh_seal]

Great poem, thanks for the link.

And true, too. It's the curse of all parents to either repeat the mistakes of their own parents or try to be so much better and different that they fuck their children up in a new and unique way.

[(Anonymous)]

I was thinking this, too, considering vindication isn't something one should strive for. I know it's easy for anyone to say "OH COME ON JUST LET IT GO ALREADY" but OP, focusing your attention on your asshole mother is just poisonous to yourself, especially at your age. My mother wasn't exactly great to me, either (hell, I would argue she was manipulative and sometimes downright cruel) but I'm doing my best to be a success without her words hurting me. That sort of attention and focus is just on me and not for my mother because I really don't care what my mother thinks as long as I know I'm not the stupid, unaccomplished person she use to bully me as when I was a kid. I shouldn't care what bad people think of me because they don't matter and OP should focus his/her attention on themselves in a more positive light.

[ariakas]

Daaaaamn. Did we have the same father?

"My used to scream and threaten and insult and smack us around!"

"...Awesome, dad, you only scream and threaten and insult and throw things at us! Allow me to present you with the 'bare minimum parental achievement' award."

[seventh_seal]

I am quite fascinated by the transformation of a little boy who longs for his father to love him into a father whose children long for him to love them and instead, he's a massive jerk.

[dreemyweird]

Thank you. That was what I wanted to say. As somebody who did have an abusive mother, I absolutely do not understand the point of confronting the abuser (or anyone who mistreated you) about their misdeeds when the actual threat of being hurt is gone. Most of the time they are either unable to realize that they did something wrong or have already realized it. If the latter is the case, it could be that they feel guilty over it; why do you need to make that guilt worse? To make them suffer? What would be the point of doing it, exactly?

[(Anonymous)]

i've seen it said by people that encouraging therapy and growth and moving past abuse is "victim blaming". even when the abuser is long gone, even when it's been years, saying maybe it's time you stop wallowing in the past is now BAD to say. Uh. sure. whatever. enjoy living the rest of your life stuck there, never finding true happiness because you can't bring yourself to walk away from an issue that's been dead for years. i know it's not easy. PTSD is no fuckin picnic. but nothing's ever going to get better if you don't take a step in the right direction. constantly facing backwards won't work.

[(Anonymous)]

This. my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to me all through my teens. I grew up and started throwing it back at him, and eventually moved out, he stopped, and we get along just fine now. Sure, I still have the occasional issue crop up related to it, but I'm a big girl now, went to therapy and everything, and I can handle myself just fine. Dredging up stuff that happened 6-7 years ago would be pointless, because he's not that person anymore and I'm not that person anymore and we've both moved on for the most part.

[(Anonymous)]

If you continue to have some kind of relationship with someone, addressing it in some way with them is often really important, especially when you're traumatised. It's something psychologists do tend to advocate. If you're able to put it behind you and move on that's great and it's worked; some people work for years to get to that stage and it's not their fault or inadequacy that it took so long or with external help to get there.

Speaking from experience. I shut them out for a decade until I could confront them, and they fortunately demonstrated some willingness to acknowledge, and then the rest was forgiveness even though I won't trust them or confide in them ever again.

My friend who was raped by her father many times has been unable to move on without heavy heavy therapy for decades and I'm glad she has no intention of talking to him ever again.

Just "moving on" as you've done is totally inappropriate for some people, including me, and definitely her. Assuming you still have a relationship with your mother.

[dreemyweird]

IA with the first part; perhaps it would be a good idea for the OP (albeit they do not seem to be traumatised), but the method is questionable. It is not the addressing as such that matters, it is how one does it.

As to the second part, it really has nothing to do with "moving on" (which I am probably in the process of) - it is about avoiding an open confrontation, not about keeping the relationship up. Walking away from someone isn't confronting them. At the time, I would've gladly walked away if I could, and I believe your friend did the right thing (it sure as hell would be odd if she wanted to keep in contact with her father).

[(Anonymous)]

Not OP but I think you're forgetting that parents are parents for as long as they and their children are alive. OP stands to gain a healthy relationship with their mother or at least the chance to have a relationship that isn't harmful. It could also mean having a relationship (or a better one) with other family members.

Example: My own mother is horrible and I hate her but I can't cut her out of my life without cutting the rest of my family out, too. I won't do that so it means putting up with her. I'm 35 and she can't hurt me the way she used to but that doesn't mean she doesn't try and our interactions aren't good for me. But it means I can still have my father and sister in my life so I call her regularly and keep up the pretense that we're a normal mother-daughter pair.

[lunabee34]

Thank you for saying this.

I'm 34 years old and have a fraught relationship with a lot of my family. Just because I'm not a child anymore doesn't mean that my parents don't have the power to hurt me. You also don't stop wanting your parents to be proud of you or to validate your life choices just because you're a grown up yourself. Because I *am* a grown up, I find validation in other ways but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings to know that my parents are disappointed in me because I don't share their religious or political beliefs; that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when they favor my brother (not his fault BTW) simply because he *does* share their outlook on life.

I'm a little bothered by the tone of this thread that somehow adults shouldn't be bothered by the way their parents treat them or have treated them in the past.

(I was not abused by my parents, and I don't hate them in case that wasn't clear)

[darkmanifest]

Personally, I couldn't continue to have a healthy adult relationship with my mother if we never discussed and accepted the ways she fucked up as a parent (and less so, the ways I fucked up as a bratty kid), purely because we would probably continue that negative behavior towards each other. Of course it would have less power now, but as she never stops being my mother, she would always have a unique influence on me, for better or worse. I'd have to cut her off; maybe OP would like to avoid that.