[ SECRET POST #2552 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2552 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 077 secrets from Secret Submission Post #364.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

What do you do, when you've been crushing on someone for 2 years, and your crush likes you back, but your friend then sleeps with your crush?

WHY? Why would your friend go after your crush knowing it would hurt your feelings? Why would your crush go along with it?
They're not even into each other. They know you know. Are you even allowed to get upset?

Oh, but it meant nothing. They were both drunk and lonely. You weren't there. What's the big deal?

Yeah, so, I had a fun Christmas vacation. So much fun I can hardly contain it. So why do I feel so gross and insecure? It's not like I was cheated on.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

I think it's totally natural to be unhappy and kind of angry when something like that happens, and you're definitely 'allowed' to be upset about it. Shit like that sucks. Feelings suck.

At the same time, though, I don't think your friend or your crush really did anything wrong, so try to remember that, even if you're feeling shitty towards them and it's hard to be kind to them. I mean, there wasn't any commitment, and... I mean, if I can be real here, you've been crushing on the guy for 2 years, it's not like you didn't have time to make a move. It's just a shitty situation, the kind of thing that happens in life. It's not your fault, it's not their fault, it's just a thing.

But I'm sorry that you're in that situation, and I know that it sucks, and you really shouldn't feel gross and insecure about it, but there's no way around it. It sucks, and I'm sorry.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you.

I don't think I feel entitled to be angry with either of them. Logically speaking, there's nothing to feel angry about. But it hurts and... yeah.
I've been avoiding both because I don't want to say anything I'll regret, and I don't really feel confrontational, just defeated.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

dump them both

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

I would but I don't think I can, I still care about them

I'll never trust them again tho

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry that happened. I...would try really hard to get over that crush, though. At least for now anyway. If he/she slept with your friend because they were lonely, chances are they'd do it again. Give it some time to air out and see if it's safe enough to try then.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

thanks

I know it's over between me and my crush. No way would I ever be able to get into a "real" relationship after this.

We'll remain on good terms, only the spell will be broken.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

Just remember; while it's logical to feel hurt, and it's okay to feel hurt, it's not okay to blame them.

I mean, if you best friend knew you had a crush on this guy (did they?) then that's still shitty, but technically they were both single.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

I'm blaming myself more than I blame them, so that's good I guess?

my friend knew about my crush, but you're right, they were both single, and they don't owe me anything

WAHHH

[insanenoodlyguy]

I AM BIG BABY COWARD WHO WAITS. WHY DID BETTER, STRONGER FRIEND WHO CRUSH IS ACTUALLY ATTRACTED TO ACT ON THE INTEREST I WILL NEVER, EVER RECIEVE? WHY IS EVERYTHING BEING AGAINST ME!

BAWWWWWWWWWWWW

CRY SOME MOAR

Re: WAHHH

[(Anonymous)]

lol To be fair I don't think having drunken, probably unprotected, sex makes someone better than someone else. I do think her crush wasn't that interested in her, though, if they went and had sex with the friend. Probably a good sign that she should move on.

Re: WAHHH

[comradesmiler]

You forgot your Heavy icon.

Re: WAHHH

[(Anonymous)]

WRONG ICON NOODLES

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

How did this even come up? I'm assuming that you were in no way involved in the sexing.

And that said, why would they owe you any sort of explanation about being lonely and drunk? And why would they need to explain to you that it meant nothing?

Look, something doesn't add up here. If your crush actually liked you back, you wouldn't have been in an unrequited one-way relationship for two years. Plus, it seems like BFF and Crush have some sort of relationship of their own, one that isn't through you, if they're being drunk and lonely together or making booty calls on each other.

I understand feeling hurt and jealous, especially when it makes absolutely no sense and you have no reason to be. And that's okay, provided that you don't do anything unkind or childish. But I also think that you need to take a good, hard look at this situation because it seems like you've missed something.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

My friend told me about it.

The thing is, it wasn't an unrequited one-way relationship. My crush likes me very much, we just hadn't gotten to the dating part yet.

I get what you're saying.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[chardmonster]

So why do I feel so gross and insecure?Why would your friend go after your crush knowing it would hurt your feelings?

The thing is, you had no claim on this person. You were crushing on them for two years. You had not told your friend you were about to ask this person out. Are they supposed to just never be interested in people you think are cute?

Why would your crush go along with it?

Because they don't owe you a fucking thing. Even if they were actually interested in you and not merely friends with you.

They're not even into each other.

I don't know, man. I generally only fuck people I'm into.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

My friend is very aware of my feelings, and my crush is/was interested in me.

And I know it definitely didn't mean anything to my friend - she gets very loose when she's drunk, and has tried to bed me a few drunken times even though there's nothing going on between us. I don't know about my crush.

But, yes, I agree; neither owes me anything.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[cloud_riven]

I'm sorry you're hurt, whether they intended to do so or otherwise. That you've been crushing on this person for so long without having done anything about, hence feeling entitled to his abstinence or whatever, does seem lame to me. But I can see that with the time you spent pining, it's pretty much only natural that the resentment is going to come off strong.

Though maybe now's a good a time as any to move on, or learn to get over a crush much faster.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you. Me and my crush have a complicated relationship, it wasn't one-sided at all. But I think that ship has sailed now.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

I've been in a similar situation before.

I tried not to blame my friend for a long time, I tried really hard to get over feeling hurt that someone I care about would make a shitty decision, knowing that I would be devastated.

The thing is though, I would never have done the same thing to any of my friends. My other friends were pretty disgusted by it, and wanted me to ditch her.

We ended up having a fight a few years later because it wasn't just a problem in that field, she just didn't seem to care about or respect my feelings in any situation.

If you wouldn't do it yourself, why put up with someone who did it to you?

As for the crush, we ended up salvaging our friendship and eventually parted on good terms. He made a move after this had happened, but my feelings for him were really messed up. It was a good lesson though. Next time I like someone that much, I'm asking them out. If they say no, I'll mope for a while but I'll get over it.

+1

[(Anonymous)]

The thing is though, I would never have done the same thing to any of my friends.

Yes, this exactly. And it would make me question the strength of that friendship.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

op here

I'm sorry you went through that. I'm slowly beginning to question my relationship with my friend, now that the initial shock has worn off.
I still care about my friend, and we've been through a lot, but yeah, I definitely question our relationship now.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[(Anonymous)]

It's okay to be sad about this, but you have to remember that you can't call dibs on a person. If you don't want this to happen, don't silently crush on someone for TWO YEARS. Ask them out. Yes, it's a risk, but guess what? Very little in this life that's worth having comes risk-free. As for never trusting them again... how did they betray your trust? (Remember, no calling dibs on a person is allowed.) You weren't in a relationship with your crush. You do not get to decide who your friends sleep with. Your friend is not obliged to prioritize your crush over their own feelings even if he/she knew about your crush.

Bottom line is, if you won't act on your own feelings and desires, why would you expect everyone else to do it for you?

Re: mentally kicking myself

[caerbannog]

It's okay to be upset, but I wouldn't think your friends would owe you anything just because they're aware you have a crush on them.

So I would say you don't do anything, let the hurt pass, try not to hold on to it, try to get over the crush if possible and try not to blame them, because there is nothing for them to take the blame for.

Re: mentally kicking myself

[nyxelestia]

It's kind of a shitty situation, and I am sorry about it. But I do have some questions:

1.) Are they actually in a relationship now? Some people don't really see casual sex or drunken hook-ups as a big deal, so it might be that your crush hasn't entered into an actual relationship with your friend - who in turn might not see it as anything wrong because as far as they see it, your crush is still "open" for you to "take" or make a move on, so no harm done.

2.) Were you planning on making any romantic attempts with the crush - and if so, did you tell the friend? Because as many others have pointed out, two years is a long time, and it's not that realistic to expect people to wait that long, especially if you don't have any obvious plans to do anything about it. And going on that, how serious is this crush and have you explained how serious this crush is to most people? Because for some people, "crush" just means "I find them attractive somehow", some mean "I want to be in a relationship with them", and some mean "I am in love with them and can't imagine life without them". People may not even be aware of these differences in perspective and that can cause serious problems without anyone realizing until too late.*

Regardless of these answers, though - it sucks to be in that situation, because a lot of people can understand something intellectually and still feel something else about it emotionally. I do hope that whatever the situation is really like, you find a way to resolve it or at least it resolves itself, with as little misery or few broken hearts as possible.




* = example/case in point: During a recent kerfuffle involving fun make-outs vs serious relationships, crushes, polyamorous relationships, etc., it turned out a friend didn't even want to ask me for a fun make-out until my now-boyfriend had made a move, because she felt uncomfortable making even the most casual of moves on me when he "had dibs". Boyfriend and I both agree that he didn't have any dibs on me - especially as a barrier to just some kissing. We are pondering if I should tell her that if someone who I wasn't already close to tried to claim they had dibs on me, I would actually find it quite offensive. (That said, Boyfriend and I are both well-aware that most people don't find the concept of crushes+dibs to be objectifying like we do, so we probably won't say anything.)